Tag Archives: grief

The Great Sendoff

As I have fallen off the grid lately, intentionally, I have stolen a few moments here and there to just check in to see where the world is at.  A brief glance at Facebook, and I am reminded why this is my least favorite time of year.

Here they come.  Posts of friends and their sons and daughters headed to college.  Packed cars, unpacked dorm rooms and, in a few words or more, posts stream in about how proud and happy and sad parents are.

This takes my breath away.

I have endured such traumatic loss in my lifetime, I cannot bear the thought of my kids leaving home.  Naturally, I want the best for them.  God’s best for them.  But, I know the road of loss – and apart from not walking with God – it is the most lonely road in the entire world.

I read the posts and admire the photos, then the lump in my throat swells.  Eyes sting with salty tears.  My heart sinks as if it were my turn to kiss my babies’ heads one more time before closing the car door and leaving them on the green campus of their new home.

I just can’t take it.

It’s a selfish feeling, not wanting them to ever leave.  But, it gives me very small solace in understanding my issues.  Loss is extremely and especially hard for me.  Change is even harder.  I am well-acquainted with “new normals” and “survival” and “perspective.”  I get it, but it doesn’t guarantee relief in every situation.

This time of year, I typically reflect on the summer and all the memories it generously offers.  I prepare as best I can for the new school year.  Then, another wave of friends sends their precious not-so-little children to college and a tsunami of guilt and sorrow floods my heart.

I should have done more with them.  The science experiment.  The makeover.  The board games, I lament.  This is the only summer my kids will ever be this age.

The balance of my heart and head swings like a sail blown wildly in the wind.  I tell myself to give me break.  To be thankful for what we did do together.  To know that one person cannot be everything to everyone.

Then more photos and stories roll in via FB, text or conversation.

I, praise God, have a few more years before it’s our turn to post stories and photos, and on one hand it helps me prepare to hear others as they work through their grief.  On the other hand, however, knowing this is such a tender subject for me, I lose myself in unnecessary grief at the moment.  It’s not my turn, and this premature grief is stealing the joy from the moments I have with my children now.  My babies are still home.

Everyone has scars.  Everyone has a story.  The epicenter of my story is loss, and what is so frustrating is that it is something that I cannot get away from.

Loss will continue whether I want it to or not.  Change brings change.  I can only continue to try to adapt.  My kids tell me that I am one of the most optimistic people they know.  I reply, “My mom always said, ‘If you have a choice to laugh or cry…laugh.'”

I’m enjoying every laugh now, and pray it will give me strength when the inevitable tears come.

At the end of the day, I remind myself that this earth is not my home.  God is preparing a place for me, and in that place there is no sorrow, tears or guilt or goodbyes.  There is freedom and joy and peace.  That promise is what rocks me to sleep.

Hugging my kids a little tighter tonight.

Is it okay to be angry with God?

Recently, we stood helplessly by as we watched a dear family tragically lose their husband/father.  He had so many years left, but an accident took this hero’s life.  I’ve hugged his wife and children, and looked deeply into the eyes of his father – an older gentleman who said to me, He survived Afghanistan, but gets killed at home.  He died in action, serving his country, but where does that leave his family?  I held his father’s hand in both of mine and told him how sorry I was.  I assured him we were praying for strength and peace during this difficult time.  He looked into my eyes and said,  I’m trying to be as strong as I can.

There are so many circumstances in this world that bring us pain, sorrow and hurt.  Sometimes, the outcome is evident through long-suffering.  Sometimes, it comes in one phone call.  Whether it is divorce, unemployment, rejection of endless degrees, a wayward child, victimization, losing a house, suffering from an illness or watching someone we love suffer, there are scores of reasons why this world is unfair.

When unfair comes knocking on our door, where can we hide?  Nowhere.  It finds us – try as we may to run.

God designed our bodies, minds, hearts and spirits with buffers.  In most times, if the enormity of a situation came at us 100% full-on, we probably couldn’t survive it.  As I spoke to my teen friend whose father died, I thought to myself (having suffered parent loss as a teen myself) You have no idea how this will affect your life – for the rest of your life.

To absorb the implications of what has happened all at once would overtake us, and we would wash away like a footprint in the sand.  Although God designed a perfect world, in His omnipotent knowledge He knew Adam and Eve would sin.  He knew before He created time that this world would need a Savior, and He knew that Savior would be His only Son.

Our spirits have eternal life through Christ when we accept Him as our Lord and receive forgiveness for our sins.  But, many of us still have lives to lead, unlike the thief on the cross who asked Jesus to remember him, and Jesus reassured the man he would be with Him in Paradise.  We, for better or worse, must still wrestle the 24/7 bestowed upon us.  It is at this point that brought me to write this post…the wrestling.

My family has prayed for our friends every day since their husband/father died.  However, one prayer caught my full attention.  One of my children prayed, Lord, please help them not to be angry. Being angry at You is wrong.  Please help them not sin by being angry.

Hmm. I wonder what train of thought brought this up?   God gave us a gift by allowing us to feel anger.

Anger is an emotion.  A feeling.  It is a release valve to the pressure, tension, and even confusion, we may feel during emotional or intense situations.  Anger is as normal as feeling happy or sad.  Our bodies physically feel the effects of circumstances, and like lightening, our anger is a channel in which to release adrenaline and chemicals in the brain so we don’t explode (well, not literally, but we may feel like we can sometimes!).

Emotionally, anger helps keeps feelings flowing.  It’s like a lubricant to gears.  When we stuff our natural emotion of anger down inside us, it rots.  When it rots, it becomes bitter and hardens our hearts.  Anger gives us the emotional courage to confront the situation, say what needs to be said, or do what needs to be done, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with the world and with ourselves.

I think what my child was getting at is something, I believe, is often misunderstood about the Bible.  Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

The first part of this passage, “In your anger do not sin” comes from Psalm 4:4, “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.  Selah”

David may simply be saying here, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  After all, it’s better to be silent than say something we will regret.  And that is Paul’s point in Ephesians.  Anger is not the sin.  It’s what we do with it that gets us into trouble.  In action, word or thought, we have the choice to allow ourselves to be angry for a time, letting our physical bodies release, our minds decompress, and our emotions ride the waves – or act upon it in a sinful way albeit passively or aggressively.  Passively – by way of withholding communication (the silent treatment), withholding forgiveness when someone asks us for it of themselves, or any refusal on our part that denies progress in the situation because of bitterness, unforgiveness, hate, etc.  This doesn’t apply when people simply need time.  Of course, we are not vending machines that can produce upon demand.  We need time to heal.  It is when sin stands in the way of our progress that needs to be held accountable.

Take James 1:19-20.  It admonishes us, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

Before we cry foul, let’s look at what the anger means in this particular passage.  In Strong’s Greek Hebrew Dictionary (via www.mystudybible.com), the word anger comes from the Hebrew word orge and means “violent passion (ire, or [justifiable] abhorrence); by implication punishment :- anger, indignation, vengeance, wrath.”

But, the word anger in Psalm 4:4 is different. The Hebrew word orgizo comes from the word orge and means “to provoke or enrage; become exasperated.”

Holman New Testament Commentary Vol. 8 explains, “Sometimes a Christian may legitimately become angry.  Jesus became angry at times. In those times we must be extra careful how we act, for anger gives no excuse to sin.”

The Matthew Henry Concise Bible Commentary phrases Ephesians 4:26-27 this way, “Take heed of anger and ungoverned passions. If there is just occasion to express displeasure at what is wrong, and to reprove, see that it be without sin. We give place to the devil, when the first motions of sin are not grievous to our souls; when we consent to them; and when we repeat an evil deed. This teaches that as sin, if yielded unto, lets in the devil upon us, we are to resist it, keeping from all appearance of evil.”

Let’s compare two situations – Jonah and Lazarus.  Jonah was called by God to do something he didn’t want to do, with people he didn’t want to be anywhere near. He was stoking mad that God had compassion on this brood of ignorant souls.  Jonah was judgmental and hard-hearted and thought he knew better than God.  I’ll skip the story in its entirety for the sake of time, but it is fascinating.  This is the so-called dramatic ending of the four short chapters that make up the entire book…

Jonah chapter 4, “But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. 2 He prayed to the Lord, “O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. 3 Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”

4 But the Lord replied, “Have you any right to be angry?”

5 Jonah went out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. 6 Then the Lord God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine. 7 But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. 8 When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, “It would be better for me to die than to live.”

9 But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?”

“I do,” he said. “I am angry enough to die.”

10 But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. 11 But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?”

The word anger used in this passage is from the Greek word hara.  Strong’s defines it as to glow or grow warm; figurative (usually) to blaze up, of anger, zeal, jealousy :- be angry, burn, be displeased, earnestly, fret self, grieve, be (wax) hot, be incensed, kindle, very, be wroth.”

I have always wondered what happened to Jonah.  We, by default, want a happy ending.  We look for it in movies, plays, books, and in our own lives.  We need closure and peace, and our moral bookends of the good guy wins and the bad guy gets what’s coming to him are what makes the story in between tolerable.  Here, Jonah’s account just fades off.  His last words recorded in the most complete account of history ever written were, “I am angry enough to die.” (verse 9)

That does not sound at all like Psalm 4:4 or Ephesians 4:26-27.  In fact, it sounds more like the Israelites in Hosea 7:6, “Their hearts are like an oven; they approach him with intrigue. Their passion smolders all night; in the morning it blazes like a flaming fire.”

Then there is Lazarus.  Brother of the well-known sisters, Mary and Martha.  In John 11, Lazarus died.  Jesus knows exactly what has happened and what will happen, but the details of this account twinge my heart because most, if not all of us, have either been Mary or Martha or both at some point in our lives when pain overcame us.

John 11 tells us that basically Jesus had more than enough time to get to Lazarus before Lazarus finally died.  Verses 18-19 even tell us this, “Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother.”

What would be Jesus’ reason for His delay?  Verse 4 answers, “When he heard this, Jesus said, ‘This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.’” And in verses 14-15, “So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.’”

Okay…are you hanging with me?  We are at the heart of the point of this post. Read verses 20-21 slowly, “When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.  “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

These two women are famous for their account of Martha being too busy to listen to Jesus, while Mary sat at His feet. Many of us can relate.  But, we can also relate to them now.

Mary, knowing full-well Jesus has arrived, doesn’t go out to meet Him.  The same woman who poured expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet and wiped them with her hair.  Did she love Jesus?  Yes.  So, why the silence now?

Martha, more spirited than her sister, met Jesus and confronted Him, if I may.

We’re going deeper now.  Jesus called for Mary personally.  Martha went to Mary and told her Jesus was asking for her.

Verses 29-32, “When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there. 32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Once she knew Jesus was asking for her, she ran to Him and was able to speak from her heart.

So how does this account relate to Jonah’s because nowhere does it say the words anger or angry.  Or does it?

How would you feel if Jesus were walking this earth today and your loved one needed life-or-death healing, and you texted, emailed and left a voicemail on Jesus’ iPhone asking Him to immediately come only a short distance – and He is a no-show.  Not only that, He doesn’t return your text, email or voicemail, and stays 2 more days where He is – just a short distance away. Then, your loved one dies.  He or she actually dies.  There is, at this point, no happy ending, the good guy (your loved one a.k.a. Lazarus) didn’t win and the bad guy (death) got his way.

How would we feel?

If we are gut-wrenchingly honest, we’d be angry at Jesus.  Right?  He knows us.  He knows the need.  He knows He can help.  But, He didn’t show up.  He didn’t heal.  He didn’t even return our phone call.

Mary sinks into herself and stays inside.  She can’t find it in herself to go meet Jesus.  We can probably fill in the adjectives she is feeling as we relate.

Martha makes no bones about it.  She didn’t even let Jesus get into the village.  On the contrary, she met Him outside the village and told Him outright how she felt.  However, she did with respect and reverence.  She never forgot who He is – Lord.  She followed up her emotional outburst with, “But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” (Verse 22)

Mary, once told Jesus wanted to see her, ran to Him and told Him the same exact emotional eruption except she did it on her knees. Both women were thinking the same thing, but they went about it in different ways depending on their personalities.

How did Jesus react?  Did He shun them?  Did He smite them and banish them from heaven?  Did He lecture them on how to behave in their time of deepest grief?  Did He reject them and walk away?  Did He ignore them? Did He grow furious at them, point His finger at them, and call on God’s angels to punish them? Did He stop loving them?

How did Jesus feel over their words?  “When Jesus saw (Mary) weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” (Verse 33)

How did Jesus react?  What did He do? “Jesus wept.” (Verse 35)

He wept.  He felt their pain.  Jesus was 100% man and 100% God.  He knew how the story would end, but in that moment, He willingly climbed down into their emotional pit and felt their pain with them.

Indeed, Jesus climbs down into our emotional pits so He can bring us out of them.

God is a gracious, loving God.  Jesus knows our sorrows – He’s been there.  He lived on this earth and felt natural emotions including happiness, sadness and yes, anger.

Hebrews 4:14-16 is one of the most comforting Scriptures in the Bible. “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are —yet was without sin. 16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Anger.  It is one of the 5 responses in crisis and grief.  It is a God-given gift to be angry so we can channel the physical strain (headaches, digestive issues, heart issues, teeth clinching, nail biting, eyelash plucking, comfort eating, deliberate starving) pressure that happens when life deals us pain and suffering. Anger channels our adrenaline so we can sleep at night, keep our heads from spinning off into orbit, and gives us courage for self-preservation in overwhelming times.  It keeps emotions flowing as we wrestle with shock & denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance of a situation beyond our control.

Why would God create the emotion of anger for our physical, emotional and mental selves, but forbid it for our sprits which are eternal?  I believe the answer is in Psalm 4:4 – in your anger do not sin.  It never said not to be angry. It doesn’t promise we won’t ever be angry.  It says WHEN we are angry do not sin.

So why don’t we bring our anger to God?  Wow, that’s a whole other post, but suffice it to say our upbringing, personalities, life experience, and how we view God all affects how we interact with Him.

For me, I grew up in a house with a step father who did not tolerate anything from me and dictated a very unhealthy fear of male authority.  Is it easy for me to come to God with my anger?  No way!  It has taken me years to get to a point of God convincing me (through reading the Bible, His faithfulness to me and the testimonies of others) that I come before the throne and pour all of me out to Him – the good, the bad and the ugly.  The confidence Hebrews 11 speaks of is a work in progress in me, but God is a patient God who loves us with an everlasting love.

Do we think He can’t handle our anger?  That He isn’t strong enough?  That He doesn’t understand or care about our pain?  That we will be punished for being honest with Him?

Quite the opposite, Jesus intercedes on our behalf.  He could have gone to Bethany and healed Lazarus and left.  But, not only did He listen to Martha, but he called for Mary.  They were important to Him.  How they were doing was important to Him.  So are you.

Once, I was so upset about something, all the way home, as I drove alone, I yelled and cried and yelled some more to God.  Not at, but to Him (there is a difference).  I told Him how I felt and the whole nine yards.  I was ready to implode.  It was only after that did He bring a peace that passes my understanding about the circumstance.  He knew I needed to flush, to vent, to purge – and He allowed me grace and room and privacy to do so.  I did not sin in my anger, but I fully released how I was feeling.  It was one of the most healing experiences I’ve ever felt and that peace remains with me today.

God knows what we need, and He gave us a tool belt full of emotional equipment to help us survive, and thrive, in this broken world.  Anger is a tool, and used properly, it can bring us to closer intimacy with God.  Anger, managed properly and without sinning, keeps communication open.  Whether we are Martha who has no problem stating the issue, or Mary, who needs reassurance it’s okay, Jesus wants a close relationship with us – and He knows by personal experience how hard life on earth can be.

It’s our choice to be hard-hearted and bitter like Jonah and the Israelites in Hosea 7:6, but sure enough, circumstances in life will continue to make us angry.  Perhaps like Moses when he was asked by God to lead the Israelites although he had a speech impediment and felt like he couldn’t do the job; like Naomi when her husband and sons died leaving her no plan for provision; like Samuel when Israel demanded a king from him; like Nehemiah when he gazed upon the broken walls of his home – Jerusalem; like Dinah’s brothers when she was raped by a foreigner; like Joseph when his marriage plans to Mary took a left turn; or like Elijah as he, literally, ran for his life from Jezebel.

God looks at our hearts, our whole person.  He knows if we are shaking an angry, sinful fist at Him or using the tool of appropriate anger to uncover our hurt and pain that we desperately need healed.  He is gracious, but He is holy.  He deserves our respect, holy fear and reverence.  He is…God.

He is also Abba Father – Daddy.  He knows when we just can’t take it anymore and need a safe place to vent, to purge, to release.  He is a good listener. The best. He catches our tears of frustration in His hands and doesn’t use them against us. He is mercy. He is peace. He is rest.

1 Samuel 16:7, “…The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Chronicles 28:9, “…acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you…”

Anger.  It’s a tricky thing.  It can be helpful or hurtful.  Hindering or healing.  Understanding why we feel we can or cannot bring God our anger is a step closer to Him in itself.  Just keep walking.  Seek Him, and He will show you the way.

The Mother’s Day Card

Photo by Gladys Chia via create.northridgepublishing.com

Mother’s Day is this Sunday.  It’s a time to reflect on the precious mothers we have in our lives.  When I was in my early twenties, Mother’s Day was approaching and it gave me a huge pit in my stomach.  A day I once loved to celebrate became one of the most dreaded days of the year. My mom died when I was 16 from breast cancer. After that, holidays became extremely hard to celebrate – namely her birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas.

Every May, I took a few steps back in my life.  As hard as I was trying to move forward, this day reminded me of all I had lost. It was overwhelming. I was thankful for the husband God brought in my life, and for the blessings He had given me (like the opportunity to go to college, good health, etc.), but three times a year I felt the enormity of all I had lost and this day was a big one for me.

Adding to my pain, watching the world of mothers and daughters continue was more than I could bear.  The sappy commercials, the flower bouquets in grocery stores, end caps filled with chocolate displays in the drug store – the reminder of what I no longer had was everywhere!  It crushed me under a weight of sadness so strong I could barely lift my head and function.

I was alone in my journey through this desert.  My husband is a wonderful man, but he has never walked this road and, thus, can only empathize from the outside looking in.  My friends back then had mothers who were either healthy or had been a survivor of cancer.  I felt as if no one could relate to the long, dark, lonely journey of living without my mom.

I couldn’t bring myself to visit her grave just yet.  It was too much.  I know that is not where she is-as she is in heaven with Jesus planning parties and laughing with friends and loved ones like she loved to do.  However, as a symbol of respect, I wanted to visit her grave, yet couldn’t find the strength to do so.

As Mother’s Day approached this particular year, I felt suffocated by grief. I was angry at all the other young and older women in this country who were about to celebrate their moms, and I had nothing and no one to celebrate.  I felt guilty for feeling angry.  I was angry for guilty for feeling angry.  I was a mess.

One late afternoon, I finished up my classes at college and was on my way home when something extraordinary happened.  (It had been years since Mom died, and I had endured many holidays at that point-mostly in a stunned blur.)

God spoke to me and said, Why not?

Why not…what, God? I asked as the bright Florida sun blinded my windshield on the long stretch of road leading home.

You feel left out of Mother’s Day.  Why not go ahead and do it, He replied.

Do what? I asked, confused.

What you were just thinking about, He answered.

You know, God shows up sometimes at the most unexpected times.  He knows our thoughts, reads our minds, and completely understands our hearts with its desires, motives, hurts, and blessings.  He knows the total us, and this particular day He showed up right in the middle of a really sad moment.

As I was driving, I passed a Hallmark card store.  Okay, I love cards.  I love to give them and I love to receive them.  Nothing, nothing brightens my day like walking to the mailbox and finding a card for me or a handwritten note from a friend or family just letting me know I was on their mind.  There is something about being remembered that is salve to a soul.

I even have a strange idiosyncrasy that I’ve never told anyone, but will confess it here today.  When I shop for a card for someone, I spend a lot of time going through the entire selection.  Once I’ve found the perfect one, I pick it from the back of the stack.  To me, that card was made just for me to give a certain someone-no one else.  Therefore, I choose the last card in the pile because no one has probably touched it, handled it, bent the edges, or smeared sticky fingers on it.  It’s most likely in the best shape.  So that’s the one I take.  Weird, huh?

Anyway, because I love buying cards for people, not having a mom here to buy one for breaks my heart to pieces.  Throughout my childhood, I made her homemade cards-and she kept them all.  I wrote her poetry, short stories and cards all the time.  I tucked little love notes in her napkin at dinner when I set the table; surprised her with a note taped to her dresser mirror; and loved to make cards for her out of construction paper, markers and glue.  She loved receiving them and left ones for me to discover around the house as well.  It was our thing.

Because it was our special thing, not having a reason to buy her a Mother’s Day card nearly crushed my soul to death.  For years, I honored my grandmother and mother-in-law on this day, but kept my grief, pain and sadness locked far away where no one could see.

God knew this.

He showed up in His gentle, quiet way and knew I had passed, yet again, another Hallmark store.

In our conversation, He nudged me to stop and go into the store.  It was an odd moment.  A revelation of sorts.

Why can’t I buy her one? I asked myself.  Is there a law against it?  No.  Is it morally wrong? No.  It is hurting anyone? No. Why can’t I buy her one just because?

I could not think of a reason not to, but could think of a million reasons why I should.  I pulled into the parking lot and felt excitement build in my chest.  My hands shook with adrenaline.  I was, once again, going to be a part of this holiday that I loved, and get to buy my mom a Mother’s Day card.

The bells chimed against the glass door as I entered, and the sales clerk asked if I needed any help.  No ma’am I didn’t.  I could hardly wait to get to the Mother’s Day card aisle.

It was a busy aisle with men, women and children perusing through the selection of mom cards.  It’s hard to describe, but I felt in that moment like a wrong had been righted.  Something that was taken from me ripped from me had been given back to me.  Something that I cherished every year had been stolen, and now it was recovered and returned to me.  It was the experience of buying my mom a Mother’s Day card.  It gave me a reason to stop life and simply think about all she had been to me, done for me, and how much she loved me-and I her.  It was moment to reflect on the good times, all she taught me about life, and the blessing she was to me.  It was a chance to say thank you, something I never got to do one last time.

Until that moment in the card store, I had no idea how much grief I carried with me every day of my life since she died.  The weight of sadness nearly buried me, and I didn’t realize it until that moment.

I picked out several good cards and sat down on the floor-right there among everyone else in the Mother’s Day card aisle.  I lost myself in experiencing pure joy getting be a part of an event I once thought as normal.  It was an extraordinary moment of healing for me.  I spread the cards out all over the floor, making people step over me and my mess.  I sat there for at least 30 mintues reading and re-reading them in search of the perfect card.

At long last, I found it.

I carefully put all of the other cards back in their places and proceeded to check out.  Typically, I put the card face down because (a) it makes scanning the bar code easier for the clerk, and (b) I don’t want anyone knowing what I am buy because it’s not their business (part of my weird card fetish, I know).  Standing at the counter, I handed her the card face up – on purpose – because I wanted the clerk to see that I was buying a Mother’s Day card for the first time in years.  I wanted the whole world to know!  The huge smile on my face probably gave it away.

The bells chimed against the glass door as I left the store.

Want to know something?  I never wrote in the card.  Nearly two decades later, the card sits untouched in a special place.  I have come to the conclusion that the joy of card shopping was enough to heal a deep wound in my heart. How does one write on a simple card a lifetime of gratitude; describing the benefit of every lesson she taught me; every thing she wound up being “right ” about; that every time I laugh at something I know she would also laugh at, I smile and think of her.  How does one write how much she is missed, loved, and appreciated?  Even if all of that could be written on a simple card, she is not here to receive it.

I am saving all of those words in my heart, like a child gathers wild flowers in her arms, and will share all of my “love notes” with her when I see her again in heaven.

That ordinary day, turned extraordinary, change my life.  God used this small act to heal a big part of my heart.  I, once again, got to be a part of something I desperately missed.

I still have the card.  However, God did something even more amazing.  My need to buy her a card  (a need I didn’t know I yearned for until He revealed it to me in the car) was fulfilled.  I’ve never bought her another one.  All is well.  But, God showed me that I can buy Mother’s Day cards for the special women in my life.  My mother-in-law, stepmother, sisters-in-law, and my special girlfriends.

Only God can be so creative as to give me this idea!  Now, every year, I get to go to the store and buy a ton of Mother’s Day cards.  I get to write and tell them how much they mean to me and what great mothers they are to their families.  It is one of the highlights of my year!   In fact, the sweet friend at church, our special widow friend, will receive flowers from us this year-along with my mother-in-law and stepmother.  I had a total blast ordering them for our special ladies.

Mother’s Day has once again become something I smile about.

Also, I hope it goes without saying, since I became a mother myself I relish in time with my husband and children on this day.  I love that they make it all about me and spoil me rotten with breakfast in bed, fresh-picked gardenias from the backyard, and a family walk (my very favorite thing to do on a holiday).  They surprise me with a corsage to where to church, just like I used to do for my grandmother and mom.  It’s a family tradition-one I am grateful to continue.  They shower me with love and affection, and my children now bring me homemade cards-oh the circle of life!  God abundantly blessed me with a loving family whose priority is to make me feel like a queen on this special day.

I have enjoyed many beautiful Mother’s Days since the special visit to the card store.  However, until that visit I wasn’t capable of finding joy in this day.  God healed something deep inside me.  He redeemed a devastated part of my heart.  He turned my circumstances around and gave me eyes to see the joy in every day that He has given me.  Only God can do that.

I still miss my mom terribly, but, I have a whole lot of love notes written on my heart that I look forward to sharing with her one day.  If you are mourning the loss of a loved one, ask God how He can help.  You might be surprised at His answer.