Category Archives: Family life

The Unexpected Gift

Photo via Droid Wallpapers

I had the privilege of celebrating my son’s 16th birthday this weekend.  Little did we know, this day would change his life forever.

It was a very full day of several events, one of which was my daughter’s soccer game.  My husband and I drove separately with plans to meet at the field.  I had our boys with me.  As we drove to the game, my birthday boy talked on the cell phone to his nana as I approached a busy intersection.  Turning right at the light, we saw a homeless gentleman standing on the corner holding a sign and asking for food.

There was nothing I could do because of the traffic flow.  We were already 20 minutes late to the game, and I wasn’t quite sure where I was even going as this was the first time they’ve played at this field.  Add to that, the concrete medians and turn lanes and lights, and well, this was not something I could easily navigate on the fly.

However, we have gift bags in our van for just such an occasion as running into a person who is homeless.  We keep a laundry basket in the back of the van filled with brightly colored, glossy gift bags with lots of colorful curly ribbon tied to the handle and tissue paper bursting out from the bag.  In the bags, we put soup, water, granola bars, etc. along with encouraging Scripture and a prayer of salvation.  The reason we dress everything up in a gift bag is because we wonder just how long it may have been that someone in this desperate state has received a present.  It has been a joy to hand these out and connect with our community, as well as have deep conversations with our children about our responsibility as believers to help others by being the hands and feet of Christ.

Knowing these bags were in the back made me feel quite guilty that the spontaneity of the moment did not lend itself to give this gentleman one.  My birthday boy finished his phone call with Nana, then began to tell me how we needed to go back to the man.

I was torn between arriving even later at my daughter’s last game before tournament and delivering the gift bag.  I was tired from a very busy week and, well, I came to the end of myself.

I told my son, Tell you what, we’ll drive back the same way after the game and look for him.

My son replied, But we don’t know how long he’s been there.  Maybe a long time.  We should go back now.

Disheartened by my inability to be both places at once, I promised we’d go after the game.  We reached the field, but my son couldn’t let it go.  He is an extremely easy-to-please kind of guy who rarely has strong preferences.  He goes with the flow and has quite a relaxed personality.  But this time, he was insistent.

We really have to go back, Mom, he persisted.  I can’t let this go.

I was a bit baffled at his insistence because we’ve given out many bags and will continue to.  I didn’t understand what was different with my son this time.  We walked down the field, set up our chairs next to my husband’s, and I plopped myself down hoping to stave off a migraine, caused by an impending weather front, that I felt coming on.

Can we leave and come back? he asked.  It won’t take long.  I know I’m supposed to do this.

I’m happy to try look for him on our way home, Honey.  The game won’t be much longer, I replied nursing my headache.

A few moments passed as we watched the game, then he asked again.  Can we go at halftime?

This was really unlike him.  Typically, he is the first to let something go.  A peaceful life is more important to him than pushing his issue.

How about you ask your dad to take you at halftime? I proposed.  My migraine was at the crossroads of either going away or blowing up to epic proportions.

The halftime whistle blew, and my husband and son bolted to the van.  I have no earthly idea why I said this (referring to the gift bags), but before they left, out of my mouth spilled, Why not take two?  I didn’t know if he decided to or not as they drove away.

The second half of the game began, and eventually my husband and son reappeared.  I asked my son, Was he still there?  Did you give him the bag?

Yes and no, he answered.  That made no sense to me.  The situation was either or, so I inquired.

This is what they told me…they drove back to the large intersection, but didn’t see the gentleman.  Disappointed, they crossed the intersection to make a u-turn and return to the game.  Just then, my husband saw the man at a city bus stop out of the corner of his eye.  My two guys devised a plan and as quickly as possible they made the u-turn in hopes of catching up to the man.  As they approached the bus, the man got onto the bus and it drove off.

Arg!  What were they going to do?  They weren’t sure, but they knew they couldn’t give up.  In a split-second decision, they followed the bus many blocks as it bypassed the next five stops.  At the sixth stop, the bus finally stopped.  Our son jumped out of our van and ran toward the bus. A businessman stepped off of the bus, saw my son, and told the bus driver someone was coming and to please wait for him.  She held the bus for my son, and he jumped aboard and asked the bus driver, Can you please wait a second?

He said she looked stunned and confused, but agreed.  Our son walked the aisle of the bus toward the back where the man was sitting.  He approached the man and held out his hand to him and introduced himself with a firm handshake and a big smile.

What did you say? I asked with eager anticipation on the field during the 3rd quarter.

Our son continued, I told him that we saw him earlier, but couldn’t turn around.  That Jesus loved him and wanted him to know that.  Then I gave him the gift bag.  

Okay, hold on a second, I interrupted.  You mean you guys followed the bus several blocks, and you jumped out of our van, ran to the bus, hopped onto the bus and asked the bus driver to hold her schedule and wait for you?  Really? I said with sheer astonishment.  Our son has never done anything this bold before.

What did the man say? What did he do? I asked.

Well, after shaking my hand, he sat there for several seconds – speechless.  He had a blank stare on his face as if in disbelief.  Then, I gave him the bag and his eyes grew huge!  He couldn’t believe it was for him.  He said, “Thanks so much.  I appreciate it.”  Mom, this man shared a seat with his fellow homeless friend.  And…I had two bags.  The other man looked at me kindly and said, “Thank you.” 

My son sat next to me at the game completely sure that this task was the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  We talked about what it felt like to be the hands and feet of Christ, literally.

We knew in our hearts that God had an agenda on this particular day.  He knew this man’s timeline and had a divine appointment with him.  If my husband and son had not ran to the van, or they caught a red light, or simply weren’t looking in the precise direction of the bus, they would have missed him for sure.  It was an almost near-miss, but it wasn’t.  This mission impossible was perfectly executed with a team of players from our little family, to my daughter’s soccer game that was at this time and in this first-ever location, to the clerk who checked out the gift items at the store, to the business man who called out to hold the bus, to the bus driver who let my son hop on momentarily, to the other cars who drove around my husband’s van as he waited on the road behind the bus.  Do you see how extraordinary this ordinary moment was?  The people. The timing.  The whole thing was beyond coincidence.  It was as though it had been rehearsed a million times – yet none of us knew it.  God did.

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. Luke 19:10

This was no not about my guys, rather what God had on His mind that afternoon.  Even more than receiving the gift bag, this man needed to see God pursue him.  Think about how it would’ve felt for the man to be sitting on the corner holding a sign for food for who knows how long, then ride the bus for several blocks when a teenage stranger jumps on with a colorful, shiny bag and says that he saw him earlier and had this gift for him so they chased the bus down.  I would have been speechless, too!

There was a duel purpose in God’s will that day.  Things could have played out like the other times when we’ve sat at a red light and simply made the acquaintance of someone who needs food and we’ve given them the bag.  No.  Not this time.  God radically pursued this gentleman in a very personal way.

For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. Ezekiel 34:11

We don’t know if this man has ever accepted Christ as his personal Savior, but truly he was sought by God because God allowed everything to work out to the very second.  Whether his soul was lost, or perhaps he just felt lost in society-displaced by circumstance-or lonely. Perhaps he felt lost within himself or separated from family. We don’t know this man’s story, but God moved heaven and earth to be a part of it. 

We may be utterly lost in our lives, in ourselves, and feel completely alone, but we are not.  We are never out of arm’s reach of God who made us, breathed life into us, and sent His Son as the final blood sacrifice for us.  No other god has ever done that.  God’s love is relentless, radical, unconditional and unstoppable.  The choice is ours to accept it.

(The prodigal son said) ‘I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’  So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again;he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. Luke 15:20-24

The biggest part for my husband, who couldn’t get through the story without choking back tears was, as he said, Two bags.  Not three, not one, not four…two.  No one could have ever known this man would have a friend with him in the same dire straits.  But God did.  For our son, he summed it up best when he told us, “Being a small part of this incredible moment was the best birthday present I received.”

<<Check out the companion song to this post on my Tunes page!>>

A Time To…

 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Today, I am feeling verse 4!  A time to laugh and a time to dance!

One really cool thing about being a believer is that joy comes from the inside out.  Circumstance isn’t the dictator of our souls.  We rest in knowing God holds all things in His hands.

And with that holy rest, we are FREE to release everything to Him who is in control.  Free to live the abundant life Jesus came for in John 10:10.  To open up and be vulnerable to the work God is doing in our lives.  To take healthy risks.  To draw boundaries.  To feel the goodness of life God has crafted into every day.  Free to feel.  Heal.  Be strong.  Be brave.  Take that first step.  To trust God.  To try something new!  To stop and breathe and appreciate the moment.  Free to enjoy the day designed before time and space ever met.

What a day!  A great day!  A day of mystery, adventure and intrigue.  Who knows what secrets it holds?  Although we may laugh and dance and celebrate life’s blessings differently, let’s do it nonetheless.  We are only given today.  So get out your dancing shoes, or don your bare feet, and enjoy it!  I won’t laugh at the way you dance if you won’t laugh at me. 🙂

The Mother’s Day Card

Photo by Gladys Chia via create.northridgepublishing.com

Mother’s Day is this Sunday.  It’s a time to reflect on the precious mothers we have in our lives.  When I was in my early twenties, Mother’s Day was approaching and it gave me a huge pit in my stomach.  A day I once loved to celebrate became one of the most dreaded days of the year. My mom died when I was 16 from breast cancer. After that, holidays became extremely hard to celebrate – namely her birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas.

Every May, I took a few steps back in my life.  As hard as I was trying to move forward, this day reminded me of all I had lost. It was overwhelming. I was thankful for the husband God brought in my life, and for the blessings He had given me (like the opportunity to go to college, good health, etc.), but three times a year I felt the enormity of all I had lost and this day was a big one for me.

Adding to my pain, watching the world of mothers and daughters continue was more than I could bear.  The sappy commercials, the flower bouquets in grocery stores, end caps filled with chocolate displays in the drug store – the reminder of what I no longer had was everywhere!  It crushed me under a weight of sadness so strong I could barely lift my head and function.

I was alone in my journey through this desert.  My husband is a wonderful man, but he has never walked this road and, thus, can only empathize from the outside looking in.  My friends back then had mothers who were either healthy or had been a survivor of cancer.  I felt as if no one could relate to the long, dark, lonely journey of living without my mom.

I couldn’t bring myself to visit her grave just yet.  It was too much.  I know that is not where she is-as she is in heaven with Jesus planning parties and laughing with friends and loved ones like she loved to do.  However, as a symbol of respect, I wanted to visit her grave, yet couldn’t find the strength to do so.

As Mother’s Day approached this particular year, I felt suffocated by grief. I was angry at all the other young and older women in this country who were about to celebrate their moms, and I had nothing and no one to celebrate.  I felt guilty for feeling angry.  I was angry for guilty for feeling angry.  I was a mess.

One late afternoon, I finished up my classes at college and was on my way home when something extraordinary happened.  (It had been years since Mom died, and I had endured many holidays at that point-mostly in a stunned blur.)

God spoke to me and said, Why not?

Why not…what, God? I asked as the bright Florida sun blinded my windshield on the long stretch of road leading home.

You feel left out of Mother’s Day.  Why not go ahead and do it, He replied.

Do what? I asked, confused.

What you were just thinking about, He answered.

You know, God shows up sometimes at the most unexpected times.  He knows our thoughts, reads our minds, and completely understands our hearts with its desires, motives, hurts, and blessings.  He knows the total us, and this particular day He showed up right in the middle of a really sad moment.

As I was driving, I passed a Hallmark card store.  Okay, I love cards.  I love to give them and I love to receive them.  Nothing, nothing brightens my day like walking to the mailbox and finding a card for me or a handwritten note from a friend or family just letting me know I was on their mind.  There is something about being remembered that is salve to a soul.

I even have a strange idiosyncrasy that I’ve never told anyone, but will confess it here today.  When I shop for a card for someone, I spend a lot of time going through the entire selection.  Once I’ve found the perfect one, I pick it from the back of the stack.  To me, that card was made just for me to give a certain someone-no one else.  Therefore, I choose the last card in the pile because no one has probably touched it, handled it, bent the edges, or smeared sticky fingers on it.  It’s most likely in the best shape.  So that’s the one I take.  Weird, huh?

Anyway, because I love buying cards for people, not having a mom here to buy one for breaks my heart to pieces.  Throughout my childhood, I made her homemade cards-and she kept them all.  I wrote her poetry, short stories and cards all the time.  I tucked little love notes in her napkin at dinner when I set the table; surprised her with a note taped to her dresser mirror; and loved to make cards for her out of construction paper, markers and glue.  She loved receiving them and left ones for me to discover around the house as well.  It was our thing.

Because it was our special thing, not having a reason to buy her a Mother’s Day card nearly crushed my soul to death.  For years, I honored my grandmother and mother-in-law on this day, but kept my grief, pain and sadness locked far away where no one could see.

God knew this.

He showed up in His gentle, quiet way and knew I had passed, yet again, another Hallmark store.

In our conversation, He nudged me to stop and go into the store.  It was an odd moment.  A revelation of sorts.

Why can’t I buy her one? I asked myself.  Is there a law against it?  No.  Is it morally wrong? No.  It is hurting anyone? No. Why can’t I buy her one just because?

I could not think of a reason not to, but could think of a million reasons why I should.  I pulled into the parking lot and felt excitement build in my chest.  My hands shook with adrenaline.  I was, once again, going to be a part of this holiday that I loved, and get to buy my mom a Mother’s Day card.

The bells chimed against the glass door as I entered, and the sales clerk asked if I needed any help.  No ma’am I didn’t.  I could hardly wait to get to the Mother’s Day card aisle.

It was a busy aisle with men, women and children perusing through the selection of mom cards.  It’s hard to describe, but I felt in that moment like a wrong had been righted.  Something that was taken from me ripped from me had been given back to me.  Something that I cherished every year had been stolen, and now it was recovered and returned to me.  It was the experience of buying my mom a Mother’s Day card.  It gave me a reason to stop life and simply think about all she had been to me, done for me, and how much she loved me-and I her.  It was moment to reflect on the good times, all she taught me about life, and the blessing she was to me.  It was a chance to say thank you, something I never got to do one last time.

Until that moment in the card store, I had no idea how much grief I carried with me every day of my life since she died.  The weight of sadness nearly buried me, and I didn’t realize it until that moment.

I picked out several good cards and sat down on the floor-right there among everyone else in the Mother’s Day card aisle.  I lost myself in experiencing pure joy getting be a part of an event I once thought as normal.  It was an extraordinary moment of healing for me.  I spread the cards out all over the floor, making people step over me and my mess.  I sat there for at least 30 mintues reading and re-reading them in search of the perfect card.

At long last, I found it.

I carefully put all of the other cards back in their places and proceeded to check out.  Typically, I put the card face down because (a) it makes scanning the bar code easier for the clerk, and (b) I don’t want anyone knowing what I am buy because it’s not their business (part of my weird card fetish, I know).  Standing at the counter, I handed her the card face up – on purpose – because I wanted the clerk to see that I was buying a Mother’s Day card for the first time in years.  I wanted the whole world to know!  The huge smile on my face probably gave it away.

The bells chimed against the glass door as I left the store.

Want to know something?  I never wrote in the card.  Nearly two decades later, the card sits untouched in a special place.  I have come to the conclusion that the joy of card shopping was enough to heal a deep wound in my heart. How does one write on a simple card a lifetime of gratitude; describing the benefit of every lesson she taught me; every thing she wound up being “right ” about; that every time I laugh at something I know she would also laugh at, I smile and think of her.  How does one write how much she is missed, loved, and appreciated?  Even if all of that could be written on a simple card, she is not here to receive it.

I am saving all of those words in my heart, like a child gathers wild flowers in her arms, and will share all of my “love notes” with her when I see her again in heaven.

That ordinary day, turned extraordinary, change my life.  God used this small act to heal a big part of my heart.  I, once again, got to be a part of something I desperately missed.

I still have the card.  However, God did something even more amazing.  My need to buy her a card  (a need I didn’t know I yearned for until He revealed it to me in the car) was fulfilled.  I’ve never bought her another one.  All is well.  But, God showed me that I can buy Mother’s Day cards for the special women in my life.  My mother-in-law, stepmother, sisters-in-law, and my special girlfriends.

Only God can be so creative as to give me this idea!  Now, every year, I get to go to the store and buy a ton of Mother’s Day cards.  I get to write and tell them how much they mean to me and what great mothers they are to their families.  It is one of the highlights of my year!   In fact, the sweet friend at church, our special widow friend, will receive flowers from us this year-along with my mother-in-law and stepmother.  I had a total blast ordering them for our special ladies.

Mother’s Day has once again become something I smile about.

Also, I hope it goes without saying, since I became a mother myself I relish in time with my husband and children on this day.  I love that they make it all about me and spoil me rotten with breakfast in bed, fresh-picked gardenias from the backyard, and a family walk (my very favorite thing to do on a holiday).  They surprise me with a corsage to where to church, just like I used to do for my grandmother and mom.  It’s a family tradition-one I am grateful to continue.  They shower me with love and affection, and my children now bring me homemade cards-oh the circle of life!  God abundantly blessed me with a loving family whose priority is to make me feel like a queen on this special day.

I have enjoyed many beautiful Mother’s Days since the special visit to the card store.  However, until that visit I wasn’t capable of finding joy in this day.  God healed something deep inside me.  He redeemed a devastated part of my heart.  He turned my circumstances around and gave me eyes to see the joy in every day that He has given me.  Only God can do that.

I still miss my mom terribly, but, I have a whole lot of love notes written on my heart that I look forward to sharing with her one day.  If you are mourning the loss of a loved one, ask God how He can help.  You might be surprised at His answer.

Respect: Cost versus benefit for parents and children

Yesterday we discussed respect and why children need to learn it.  Today, I want to touch on two main issues that can make or break respect – for children and adults.

Self-control and pride.

These are the muscles that either work for or against respect.  When we take away the drama of disrespect and peek underneath at what motivates someone to be disrespectful, typically there is a lack of self-control and an overload of pride.

Disrespect can be shown in any number of ways.  Anyone can do it.  It’s easy!  We just say what we feel with no filter on our mouths.  Or, we do what we feel like with no thought or concern of the repercussions to our actions.  Disrespect is easy.  It’s also very costly.  Once a word leaves our mouth, we can never ever retract it.  We can say we are sorry a hundred times, but it doesn’t make the word(s) disappear.  Sticks and stones – yeah, right.  We all know words hurt.  It’s why we use them against people-to hurt them.  Whoever first coined this phrase was spot on: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.  If everyone lived according to that the world would be a better place.

Disrespect can be shown in many ways without ever physically touching the other person.  Deliberate defiance, foot stomping, walking away, eyes rolling and rude body language screams disrespect without uttering a word or producing physical harm.  Oh, we are good.  We know exactly how to show disrespect if we want to.  After all, it comes naturally!  And for those who are closest to us, we know precisely the hottest buttons to push to show it.

When parents let a word from a child go here and there, they are in essence telling them what is acceptable behavior.  If the child says something out of line either by way of subject matter or foul language, and the parent turns a blind eye to disrespectful behavior, they have just told the child it is perfectly okay to say or do it.  A non-response is a response nonetheless.

Parents can, and should, only deal with so much at time.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, and if heavy subject matter is being addressed, it is ineffective to try to correct every single thing the child has done wrong right then and there.  But, it must be addressed at some point.  After conflict, parents just want peace and quiet in their homes, so who wants to dredge up more issues?  However, if the issue isn’t addressed, rest assured it will come up again and again.  And, every time it comes up, a precedent has been set that whatever the child has said or done is permissible.

Children remember.  They remember it was okay to say it, or do it, last time and they are thinking, So who’s the hypocrite now?  I could get away with it before and not this time?  Who’s the double standard now?

They are right.  One thing I often tell my tween and teens regarding peer pressure is this – you have to have already made up your mind how you will respond to a situation.  It’s far too much pressure to try to sort it all out in the heat of the moment.  You have to have already determined your boundaries, that way, when the moment of decision comes you can simply fall back on what you previously decided.

It’s much the same with parenting.  We have to have a plan.  We must have boundaries.  We must gather the courage to stick to them.  Waiting until something comes up in the middle of conflict to determine how you feel about it is not the time to debate within ourselves what we should do.  We should already know what we’re are going to do.  It takes a lot of pressure off of ourselves to simply follow through with our standard, rather than create one on the spot.

Additionally, standards created on the spot are not reliable.  Factors that affect said standard are: the offense committed by the child/teen, how angry the parent is, how volatile the conflict gets, the kind of day the parent has had (what Mom or Dad’s mood is going into the conflict), and likewise what kind of mood and day the child/teen has had.  All of those are centered around emotions, and emotions are fleeting and are extremely temperamental (pardon the pun).

Decisions about what a parent will allow the child/teen to say must be predetermined when there is no conflict and the parent is in control of himself or herself.  It is so much easier to parent with a plan, rather than make it up as we go.

(Tip – kids see right through a spontaneous plan, and they know how to use it against us.  I think they can smell it or see it or feel its vibe (just kidding), but they know us well enough to tell the difference when we are readily prepared and when we are winging it.)

Disrespect is a lack of self-control.  We just can’t help ourselves!  We know we are right, or even when we know we are wrong – we’re gonna be heard – and whatever it takes to make us feel heard, well, so be it.  Yikes.  This philosophy will land the growing child grounded and the adult child unemployed and most likely alone.

Self-control and pride.  When I think about these two character traits, I see with my mind’s eye, the silly image we’ve all seen before.  A person standing with a little angel that looks like the person on one shoulder and a little devil that looks like the person on the other shoulder.  They are both debating their point-of-view into the person’s ear.

Self-control is one of the hardest virtues!  A lack of it wages war against our better judgement, only sees the moment, and could care less about long-term effects of the situation.

Pride is truly the root, the seed, of a lack of self-control – which leads to disrespect.  We don’t want to admit we are wrong, and we certainly don’t want anyone to tell us we are wrong!  A heaping dose of pride inhibits us from letting the other person finish speaking, choosing not to slam the door, choosing not to jump in the car and drive off, choosing not to say something we will deeply regret later.

For children of all ages, they are trying to figure this all out.  They do not have the life experience of say, getting fired from a job for yelling at the boss, or having security come remove them from the classroom for refusing to participate.

They are in a season of life of testing boundaries.  It’s not necessarily always about how “bad” they are behaving.  Sometimes, whether they realize it or not, they are trying to find civilized boundaries.  When parents don’t teach them boundaries, how do kids know when to stop?  If parents don’t have a plan, and therefore are constantly moving the boundary lines, then unnecessary confusion is created and no one is going to come out of that successfully.

There once was a study done with a group of children.  They placed the children in a fenced-in yard with tons of fun things to do: swings, toys, slides, you know, fun stuff.  The kids had a blast!  They were as busy as ants at a picnic.  Then, they took the fence away, but left the toys.  The same group of kids meandered aimlessly around as if they were lost.  They didn’t play with the toys.  They just…wandered around.  Fascinating!  The conclusion was that when the fence was there, the kids knew they were free to do everything inside the fence.  When the fence was removed, the kids didn’t know what they could do because they didn’t know how far they could roam or what else around them was fair game to play with.

The same principle applies to parenting in regards to respect.  Parents must show children what is acceptable and what is not.  They must use the same fence every time.  Don’t move the fence around – that won’t help and will only confuse the child.

Is the child allowed to cuss at the parent?  Yes or no.  Is the child allowed to yell at the parent?  Yes or no. Is the child allowed to tell the parent to shut-up?  Yes or no.

Is the child allowed to storm off in an argument?  Yes or no.  Is the child allowed to slam doors, throw objects or turn away from the parent when being spoken to?  Yes or no.  Is the child allowed to roll their eyes or show other similar body language?  Yes or no.

These are the kinds of boundaries that need to be predetermined – preferably before the child is born, but it’s never too late to begin healthy, CONSISTENT boundaries.

Here’s a tough word…any of the above mentioned that the child/teen is permitted to do to parents, he or she will do the same things to their future boss and spouse.  How’s that going to work for them?  It won’t end well.  And, for parents who are still trying to be their child’s best friend in the growing years, allowing the child/teen to get away with these things through rationalizing or justifying in the parent’s mind (oh, they’ve had a bad day, they’ve had a hard life, etc.) is going to result in the child resenting the parent.  Why? Because the parent, in either spoken or unspoken terms, told the child it was okay to behave like this, but when the grown child tries to pull this stuff on the world, he or she will quickly find out the hard way the world won’t tolerate it and there is a price to be paid for such behavior.  The grown child will, in essence, be baffled as to why the parent didn’t warn them.  Why did the parent lead them on in something that is not reality?  Why didn’t the parent better prepare the child for the real world?  What will the parent say then?

Self-control, pride and respect are a threesome that cannot be separated.  A parent cannot deal with one without knowing the other two are in cahoots with it.  Again, a moment of conflict is probably not the best time to address every single last issue.  The child is not in a position to hear and process all that at once.  But, when tempers have cooled down and everyone is thinking clearly and in a receptive mood to listen, boundaries must be reaffirmed and appropriate consequences given for breaking through the fence.

We are not born knowing boundaries.  We are born trying to buck them.  Take advantage of the little amount of time we have to set up our children for a successful future.  It may mean rough waters for now, but the end result is a healthy family who knows their rules and children know their place.  The end result will, hopefully, be mature, respectful children who will esteem their parent for better preparing them for the real world.

Bottom line – a parent will count the cost for how they parent now or later.  The parent must choose whether to work through the rough spots now, even though they are tired, have hard jobs, have hard marriages, or feel too inadequate to effectively parent, or the parent can choose to turn a blind eye, remove the fence for the sake of a moment of peace and not invest in a plan, but wind up with a grown child who has trouble with work and relationships – including with the parent.

We must decide today – today – how we will parent.  There are many great books about parenting available.  Invest now and enjoy the payoff later.

<<Check out a great book recommendation on my Books page!>>

What’s the big deal about teaching children respect?

Exodus 20:12, Honor your father and your mother…

Scenario #1 – As I sat on the football field this weekend watching my youngest’s team play football, I noticed an interaction between another mother and son.  It was something I’ve seen happen many times.  Too many.

It’s halftime, and Mom notices her tween son might be thirsty, so she jumps up and begins walking toward her son with a bottle of Gatorade.  He meets her more than halfway and, in front of all of the other parents of both teams, he chastises her to stay off of the field.  She quickly submits to his request and retreats off of the field with subservient speed.

As she holds out the Gatorade and tells him she thought he might be thirsty, he snaps, Where’s my water.  I wanted water.

Oh, your dad is supposed to bring that but he isn’t here yet, she says smiling.

I wanted water, he demands.

Okay.  I’m sure he’ll be here soon.  Would you like some Gatorade for now? she asks, looking longingly at him.

Pfft, he said with obvious disapproval.  He snatched the bottle out of her hand and walked away.

Have fun! she called to him as she sheepishly smiled at the parents sitting nearby and took her seat.

I wanted to say to him, Go thank you mother.  You never said, please, or thanks for the Gatorade, or I appreciate it.  Nothing.  Zippo.  It was the same attitude of entitlement and disrespect that is so common no one bats an eye anymore.

Whose fault is it?  Parent or child?  My opinion is that it’s both – at least at this age.  What happened to a society where children honored their fathers and mothers?  Where bare-bones politeness was common courtesy.  Where parents received respect for the little and big things they did for their children.

Okay.  Pause.  I am not addressing abusive or neglectful parents. I am not talking about dysfunctional homes (though many are in some manner) or anything that needs professional help.  I’m talking about every day moments in life when who the person really is on the inside shows on the outside.

Scenario #2 – I was at the dentist office waiting for my child’s checkup to finish.  It’s a very kid-friendly place and has all kinds of things to do to keep little ones entertained while older siblings have their appointment.  A little girl, no older than four, quietly played with the office’s toys.  Mom and Dad watched nearby.  It was time to go back to see the older sibling, and so the dad asked his young daughter to pick up the toys she had taken out.  She just stood there and stared at him.  Then ignored him.  He repeated his request.  This time she said, No.  He asked her a third time, and she simply turned around and walked away with the mom and left Dad and the toys behind.

I was very curious how he would respond and held my breath as he stood there looking at the mess she had made.  I said (to him) to myself, Don’t do it.  Don’t do it.  Then…he did it.  With drooping shoulders, and donning not an ounce of dignity, he began picking up the toys for her.  He picked up every last toy, in front of a full room of women, and then disappeared into the hall to find his family.

My children learned something interesting in school.  In early America, children did not eat with their parents.  Not only that, they were not allowed to talk during dinner.  Not only that, they waited on their parents while the parents ate.  Not only that, the children stood and ate, they didn’t even get a seat when it was their turn.  This was our country once upon a time.

Now for me, that seems extreme.  On the contrary, my family loves our family dinners – something we make a priority in our home.  I’m not suggesting we take away our children’s seats and forbid them to speak, but how in the world did we get from there to here where kids sit at the proverbial head-of-the-table and parents ask their permission to speak?  This blog is far too short to answer that question.  Much research has gone into family roles & dynamics, American history and the changes it’s seen and how that affects the individual.  It’s a black hole of information, unfortunately, because although we clearly see patterns of a downward spiral in our society in regards to respect, manners, and courtesy, few seem to want to do anything about it!

Why do parents allow their children to captain the ship? Rule the roost? What good do they think will come from it?  Oh, I know.  They will gain their child’s respect and friendship.  Um.  Bad news…that philosophy won’t work.  And, shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Why do parents need their children’s approval on their job as a parent?

Who is the leader of the family?

Why are parents afraid to parent?

Why are they afraid of their children? (children who abuse their parents notwithstanding)

When did parents relinquish their power and surrender authority to their children?

How do they think this will ever help the child as an adult?  I have so many questions.

We are all born selfish.  It’s our human nature.  But, unless we are going to live in solitary confinement on a deserted island, we have to act as a society, and family is the cornerstone to any society.  It is the parent’s job to set boundaries and rules for their kids (and follow through on them).  But, kids who are at the age of accountability to accept the appropriate consequences of their behavior must answer for themselves.

When I look at families where the child has the parent wrapped around their little finger at age 7, 9, and 11, I think what fun that house will be when hormones rage in the teen years.  The battles parents and kids have now when they are young, battles where the parents ultimately give in to whatever the topic du jour is, will be more fierce, more intense and create more problems in the teen years than young parents can ever imagine.

Godly authority exercised by the parent, and godly respect given by the children, is how families were divinely designed.  The precious gift of mutual friendship comes later when the children are no longer children and are no longer under the authority of the parents.

Until then, it’s not an even playing field.  Children don’t have equal say, equal voice, in a matter.  It’s not their job because they aren’t qualified for the job as an adult at their ripe, young age.

Some reasons parents cave is because they are either: too tired, too frustrated, too weak, too afraid, have no parenting plan, don’t care, or have become stuck in an unhealthy pattern with their children like a fly stuck to flypaper.

One thing I remind myself of when we address respect in our home is this – how my child treats me now is how they will treat me when I am old.  In other words, how I allow my child to treat me now, is how they are naturally going to relationship with me when I am old and need their help.  It’s something to think about.

Kids who are allowed to say anything, do anything, to their parents will be adults who could care less about their aging parents’ needs.  After all, life is all about them, and that’s the way it’s always been for them…so why is the parent shocked decades later when the grown child shows no concern for them?

I have personally witnessed a boy hit his mother in the head when she said No to something he wanted.  She gave in.  What will happen when he is bigger and stronger than her and she says No again – and maybe means it this time?

The formula is simple: selfish child = selfish adult; demanding child = demanding adult; bossy, disrespectful child = bossy, disrespectful adult.  How will that fair for them in the workplace? In marriage?  In friendships when Mom no longer arranges the play dates?

What I see is parents want to skip the teaching, training, and tough love and jump right to the parent/adult child friendship.  This plan will fail.

Scenario #3 – My friend told me that once she, her kids and her adult sister were in a store in the checkout line.  My friend’s daughter (very young at the time) wanted something from the impulse aisle.  My friend said, No.  Her daughter proceeded to throw the biggest tantrum ever.  Resolving to not give in, my friend looked at her visiting sister and said, Can you handle it?  Her sister replied, Yep.  Well, okay, then, my friend said.  And they stood there ignoring the tantrum that had caught everyone’s attention. They were resolute, and guess what?  The daughter wasn’t permanently scarred!  Actually, she grew a little more as a person that day, and she is a very lovely young lady today.

Perhaps maintaining an image is why parents cave.  What will people think of me if my toddler screams their head off over me not buying this toy they want?  I can tell you what some are thinking, Been there.  Done that.  Stay strong.  I’d much rather see a little child throw an obnoxious fit over not getting a toy, then an obnoxious adult throwing a fit over anything!

If parents are hoping that some shift in respectful maturity will magically happen between childhood and adulthood without intentional training, they will be sorely disappointed.  Maturity eventually happens, most of the time, but that doesn’t guarantee a respectful adult.  Just look at the statistics in our country from crime to divorce to prescription drug use to alcohol abuse and so on.  Look at the television shows that are “supposed” to have a pulse on the heartbeat of America.  I’ve never seen so many disrespectful people on the small screen – from mouthy children on kids shows to R-rated reality adult shows.  Really?  This is a portrait of us?

Parenting, especially parenting in the early years, is like the game Risk.  There must be a strategy.  There must be intentional moves on the parent’s part.  There must be a goal to work towards.  There must be diligent work on the parent’s part.

No one said parenting was easy, and we need to put our big girl panties on and accept it.

Laying a foundation of who’s in charge and how things will role will pay off later.  I remember once on a bad day of behavior in our home, I looked my children in the eye and said, I’ll do the hard thing, every time, because it’s the right thing.  Even if that means Mom needs a time out first.  In the moment, it is extremely easy to take the quick way out and give in to the demands of kids.  It’s so understandable that Mom or Dad has had a long day and they are tired.  I completely empathize with being physically, mentally and emotionally drained.  But, losing small battles leads up to losing the war.  No, we don’t want to be at war with our children, but our carnal natures sure are.  It’s how we are wired.  One will win.  One will lose.  Which will it be?

Even the Apostle Paul, a full-grown adult, couldn’t understand it.  His words are some of the most confusing in the Bible…

Romans 7: 14-21

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

Whew.  If even he struggled with how to behave and what to do, a former flawless Pharisee and completely committed ambassador for Christ, then how confused must children be, who have much less life experience, to understand about how to live?

I love my children with all my heart.  And because of this, I love them enough to do the hard thing (i.e., calling them out every single time disrespect rears its ugly head – which is rare, by the way, because my husband and I have set the foundation mention above) in order to keep peace in our home and to set them up for success now and as they grow.  Teachers won’t tolerate rude students.  Employers won’t tolerate disrespectful employees.  In this economy there are ten people lined up waiting for that job!  In a marriage – well – just look at the divorce rates.  They speak for themselves.

Allowing disrespect by way of physical or verbal communication stunts children’s emotional growth. Eventually, if parents want their children to be employable and marriable, children have to learn respect – and this begins at home.

Teaching them this truth now will save them much heartache later.  It may also save their marriage, their job and their friendships.  And, it may give parents what they hope for one day – a healthy friendship with their adult child.  In moments of conflict, think long-term goals.  Parenting is not a sprint.  It’s a marathon.  A strong finish is possible.  Don’t give in or give up.  Your children are counting on you to show them the way – even if they don’t act like it or say it.  Run strong. Lead the way.

Chicks in my nest

Yesterday was a good day.  A busy day.  A day especially fulfilling as a mom.  We’ve had a lot going on (like most people) and I’ve felt quite pulled in many directions.  However, I got to check some important boxes on my “mom list.”  I got the laundry caught up, took care of some things at home, and was out most of the day shopping for basic needs. We are blessed to live where food is available. I never take that for granted – especially after having been to Africa last year.  Some things in life seem so unfair, and so I try to be a good steward of our money and what it buys.

I love cooking and baking.  There is something gratifying about starting with nothing and ending up with a creation that makes others happy and satisfied.  We’ve been pantry-pullin’ (meaning eating out of the freezer, pantry and fridge) for quite some time to stretch the budget and eat what we already have.  But, there comes a point when a restock is necessary.  This was yesterday.  I asked my family what they would like and I made a list.

First, I went to one superstore to get the dry stuff.  After running carpool, going to the post office, etc. I made another trip to my local grocer to get the fresh stuff.  Both were long trips and I was ready to be done (but thankful I could do it in the first place).

As the kids and I unloaded the van and were putting the food away together, my daughter called me to the backyard.  We’ve been tracking the progress of a Robin’s nest for a while now.  The babies finally hatched (featured in yesterday’s post) and they are growing more restless by the day.  Their routine has been: sit quietly for a while, then frantically call for their mom who comes swooping in with a huge worm clutched in her beak.  She hoovers in the air, wings rapidly flailing, while she gives each baby bird part of the worm.  Then, in an instant, she flies off in search for more.  She’s extremely shy, and no matter how many times I quietly race out there with my camera, she’s gone in a flash.

In the middle of unloading everything, my daughter called to me that Mamma is back again with yet another worm to settle their veracious appetites.  I got there just in time to see her in action.  She was so quick, I couldn’t even focus my lens before she vanished.  But, for a brief moment, I watched her do her thing.  It touched me in a special way.  I stood silently and watched those babies rustle their feathers and squirm about in the nest.  They won’t be there much longer.  One baby hopped up onto the side of the nest and peered over the edge several times out of curiosity.

It was then I made the connection to Mamma Robin.  She and I, oddly, live similar lives.  She built a strong nest to hatch her babies.  The walls are unusally high, and even on the top step of a ladder (yeah, I know, what was I thinking!) I still could not see into the nest.  Indeed, she built a humble home for her little ones up under the roof of the house to protect them from the hawks that are common here.  She sat with them while they were very young, and now spends most of her time and energy caring for their needs.

Oh how I can relate!  Ironically, her flying to and fro made me chuckle as I had done the exact same thing yesterday, except I drove from store-to-store.

All three birds comfy and cozy yesterday.

Baby Robin #1 left home yesterday afternoon…and landed right into our pool.  My daughter didn’t hesitate to jump in after it.

It’s so scared!  But it’ll be fine.  It’s in good hands (literally!)

Wet, but safe!  It shakes off the water, as well as the whole experience, and runs under a bush.

Yesterday, two were left.

We can tell #2 is getting ready to leave by the way it paces and hops around.

<<Baby Robin #2 left sometime last night or early this morning.>>  We were excited to see her hopping around this morning.

The elusive mamma captured in a rare (albeit fuzzy) photo.

Baby Robin #3 is the only one left this morning.

While writing this post this morning, my kids called to me to come quickly.  I arrived just in time to see #3.  After perching on the edge and pacing back and forth, he finally gathered the courage and took flight.

Oops!  Trying to learn to fly, he landed in the pool, just like Baby #1.  My daughter rescued him as well.  Here is is wet and flustered.

The empty nest.

My mom’s heartstrings pulled as I gazed at this quiet nest.  For many days it was a time of anticipation and excitement.  The eggs hatched, and three adorable babies entered the world.  They grew a little each day.  Mamma Robin faithfully attended their needs.  They began to wriggle around in the nest, jockeying for position to receive the most food.  They discovered there is an edge to the nest.  And beyond the edge, there is something mysterious – a ledge of sorts.  On that ledge, they are able to see down to the ground and out into the horizon.  They curiously looked around, rustling their feathers and boasting their chests.  Mamma bird called and they jumped back into the nest.  There she found them waiting for another meal.  She left to hunt again, and they hopped back out onto the ledge, each time with a little more boldness and courage than the time before.

Then it happened.  The first one flew away.  The second one flew away.  The third one flew away.  The nest is quiet.  Mamma’s job tending the nest is finished.  She follows them on the ground for a while, still bringing them food, but no longer do they fly back to the safety of the nest.  They are on their own.  This is, indeed, the story of our children.

What seemed like forever waiting for these baby chicks to grow into cute, fuzzy birds, is now a mere memory recorded in pictures.

In my family, I have one chick perched on the edge, one rustling her feathers, and one pretty comfortable snuggled in the nest.  I can provide.  I can watch over them.  I can tend the nest.  But, I cannot stop time and nature from taking its course.

A bird can only appreciate her job so much.  She is, after all, a bird.  But, we are made differently.  We are made in the image of God – with thoughts, feelings and responses.  We have the ability to embrace the task of mothering that God has given us and do it to the best of our abilities.  I never once heard Mamma Robin squawking and complaining to the other mammas about her job.  I never saw her make the babies feel guilty for having needs.  We can learn a lot from this mamma.  Do we take our jobs to heart and show our gratitude for the blessing of our children?  Do we enjoy the time we have with them or wish it would hurry up and end?

I once overheard a mother in a store talking to a friend.  The mother’s middle school daughter was standing right beside her when the mother said, with great enthusiasm, “Yes!  I just have a few more years and then I am FREE!  I won’t have any of this anymore and I will be FREE!”  Oh how my heart broke for that beautiful young lady who stood there with her shoulders down and face to the ground.  That was several years ago.  I wonder how that mom is enjoying her freedom now, because I can’t imagine the daughter ever wanting to revisit her nest.

It’s a cliche, but time is short.  Make the most of it.  Most mothers wanted their children when they had them.  Do we truly act like it?  These are harsh words, but it’s the raw reality that in a self-centered society such as ours, the kingdom of mothers can quickly turn into a whiny parade of women who can’t let life be about anyone but themselves.

Our children will grow up and fly with or without us.  We have the responsibility to provide for their needs.  But, we have also been given the privilege to enjoy the journey along the way.  I lost my mom when I was 16.  I know time is short.  None of us know how long we have on this earth.  But, you have today.  I encourage you to enjoy it.  Enjoy tending the nest.  Enjoy providing.  Enjoy protecting.  Enjoy your children – while they are still children. And be thankful.

Favorite Fifteen! 15 things I love about being a wife

I had so much fun last week writing about the simple pleasures and pure joy of being a mom. Today, I want to give a shout out for some of the reasons I love being a wife.

15 things I love about being a wife

*  After 22 years of marriage, I am still learning new things about my husband and myself.  Life is never boring!

*  I can say anything to him, but because I love and respect him, I watch what I say and how I say it.

*  Wading through the sea of parenting together.  We pool our strengths and weaknesses together and, hopefully, create a pretty cool family experience.

(Our family)

*  I love going to the movies with my man.  He’s the best movie partner!  He willingly abides by my absurdly anal and strict movie standards – no talking, no cell phones, no texting, no crunching, no slurping, no snoring, no rustling of plastic candy bags during the show – oh, and have a great time! 😉 (Who else would tolerate this??)

*  Serving with him on mission.

*  Keeping the house quiet on Saturday mornings so he can sleep in after a long workweek.

*  We can agree to disagree on the small stuff and that’s okay.

*  I have freedom to be myself with him with no walls built around me.  He has seen me at my very best and very worst and still loves me. I can let my guard down and be who I am without the fear of being rejected.  He gets my weird sense of humor, respects my boundaries, understands my weaknesses…yet still accepts me.

*  Dreaming together.

* He brings me flowers just because, on special occasions, and in remembrance of my mom’s birthday – though he never had the opportunity to meet her.  We met exactly one month after she died.

( Happy Anniversary)

*  Sharing the journey of life with my man who has promised to walk every step of the way with me till death do us part.

*  He can convince me to try new things: Thai food (yum!); snow skiing (his passion, not mine); computers (yep, years ago, he’s the one who showed me how to befriend these little monsters); driving go karts so crazy they almost kick you off the track (Ha!); a wicked-scary, fast air boat ride to see alligators up close and perhaps a little too personal (so fun!) – the list goes on.

*  We laugh with, and at, each other.  Most times we know when to do which. Ha!

*  He tells me I am beautiful – even if I have a hard time believing it.

(From the Empire State Building)

*  As a little girl, my two biggest dreams were to be married and have children.  I had other dreams – some I’ve accomplished, like graduating from college, being a published writer and traveling to Africa; and some I haven’t, like working as a photographer for National Geographic. But, my heart has always been passionate for being a wife and mother. I am reminded every day that God heard my prayer and answered it in an incredible way.

Marriage is hard. It takes work. It requires dying to one’s self, seeking the spouse’s best interest and considering the other person’s needs before my own. Many people won’t give up the control, their wants or their ambitions. I used to be that person. But, the beauty of marriage is discovered when both people put each other first. Oftentimes, this means someone has to go first. It creates a peaceful, loving atmosphere rather than dog-eat-dog. Trust and vulnerability are not easily attained in our wary world, but when God has put a man and woman together, and each of them have resolved to live by His standard, it works. Needs and wants of both people are met. Fun and intimacy are a part of regular life. We can work with each other and not against each other.  After all, in a marriage, both people are on the same team.

So thankful for Selah Day!

My peeps and I are taking the Sabbath to rest and rejeuvenate from a wonderfully busy and blessed weekend. One of our family’s mantras is…

We do nothing really well!

Join us in enjoying doing nothing.  Monday will thank you. :)Tomorrow we will continue our Favorite Fifteen.  See you then!

Kristi

Favorite Fifteen! 15 things I love about being a mom

*** This just in!  For all of you wonderful people who prayed for my mother-in-law’s surgery yesterday, she came through it well.  We don’t know any of the details, but if I start getting weak in the knees I’m going back to the Scriptures from yesterday’s post!  Thank you for your prayers, emails, posts, texts and phone calls.  We appreciate them!

Okay…15 things I love about being a mom-in no particular order 🙂

*  I can convince my kids to dance with me in the middle of dinner.

*  “Say yes to the dress” while snuggling with my daughter on the couch.

*  When my tween son looks at me, his eyes sparkle and gleam with love that only a son can give.

*  My kisses possess magical power to heal hurts and hearts.

*   My high-school son keeps the notes I slip into his school lunch.

*  I have been blessed with this motley crew of humans that God put together under one roof who accept me just as I am.

*  All of our family’s private jokes.  Priceless!

*  I have dozens of pet names for my kids.  They know them all and answer to them!

*  They trust me and know I’ve got their best interest at heart.

* Performing an animated solo flash-mob to my teenage daughter while the grocery store’s overhead speakers played Whitney Houston’s song, “I will always love  you” in the middle of the checkout line last night.  The clerk laughed as I walked out with my arm around my sweet thing serenading her all the way to the van.

*  We’re not afraid to talk about the tough stuff.

*  The smell of their freshly washed hair.

*  Watching them grow into amazing young adults.  What a privilege.

*  They give me an excuse to drop everything and have a pillow fight in the living room!

*  No one else but my family would want to live with me! 🙂


I could…

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  ~ Hebrews 4:14-16

Good Thursday morning,

Today, I could tell you that I woke up with my stomach in knots.  But, I didn’t.  I could tell you that I am worried sick over today’s events, but I’m not.  I could tell you that I’m freaking out inside over walking a familiar road – one I never wanted to walk again.  But, I won’t.

Today, a beloved family member is having surgery.  Surgery that makes my skin crawl and tempts me to throw hope out the window and only listen to statistics. Surgery that possesses the power to completely alter the future of our family.  I have a personal, deep-seeded hatred for the disease that necessitates this surgery.

How do we respond when life brings an unwanted package to our door?  We didn’t ask for it, order it or want it.  It sits at our door nonetheless, and no one is able to take it away.  It must be accepted.  It must be opened.  What do we do?

Well, we could deny its existence, but that doesn’t lessen the reality of it.  We could sit and stare at it, but that gets us nowhere.  We could try to discard it, but it’s too heavy to lift.  Dear Lord, what do we do?

What we won’t do is cave.  We won’t crumble under helplessness.  We won’t give in to worry.  We won’t admit defeat before the battle has barely begun.  We won’t hysterically throw our hands up in the air and lose our senses.  We won’t shake an angry fist at God saying, It’s all Your fault!

We pray.  Oh, I am not talking about the cliche Christian answer to life’s problems.  I’m talking about tapping into the Holy Spirit inside us to intercede on our loved one’s behalf (Romans 8:26).  We call on the authority in the name of Jesus Christ, to proclaim God’s sovereignty over our loved one (2 Corinthians 12:9).  We exercise our faith muscle knowing God sees all and is in all.  We call on Christ as our High Priest to intercede for her.  We, with boldness because of salvation and grace, approach the throne room of God and ask for the sparing our loved one’s life.

Our family’s strength and sanity is wrapped in the goodness of God despite the circumstances.  We know He is passionate about our loved one.  We know He never takes His eyes off of her.  More than coming up with feelgood statements, or reaching for some false hope that the world tries to wrap as truth, we stand on God’s Truth.  Real, solid, biblical Truth.

We’re praying Scripture over our loved one today.  If you’ve never done this before, it’s basically personalizing Scripture in the form of prayer.  It is not changing the context of the Scripture itself, rather it helps give us words when we can find none of our own.  Let’s go…

* Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with (Salli) wherever (she goes).”  Joshua 1:9

* Even to (Salli’s) old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain (her). I have made (her) and I will carry (her); I will sustain (her) and I will rescue (her). Isaiah 46:4

* May your unfailing love rest upon (Salli), O LORD, even as (she puts her) hope in you.  Psalm 33:22

* ‘“The LORD bless (Salli) and keep (her);  the LORD make his face shine upon (her) and be gracious to (her); the LORD turn his face toward (her) and give (her) peace.” Numbers 6:24-27

* …And I pray that (Salli), being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that (she) may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Ephesians 3:17-19
* (Salli ) lives by faith, not by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7

* God speaking – “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget (Salli)!  See, I have engraved (her) on the palms of my hands; (her) walls are ever before me.  Isaiah 49:15-16

* Keep (Salli) as the apple of your eye; hide (her) in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8
* God speaking – “For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.” 2 Chronicles 16:9
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The following is Scripture that Salli is claiming for her life.  She shared it with us, and I am sharing it with you.  
Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair. So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”  When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  John 11: 1-4
Only God knows the future.  We know He is good all the time and nothing happens that hasn’t passed through His hands first.  He doesn’t create bad and evil events, but He does provide a redemptive plan for them.  Please listen to me.  God promises His children absolute healing.  This healing will either be in our lifetime or in the one to come.  We have prayed for Salli and released her into God’s hands.  She WILL see healing.  We ask that it be now, in this body, selfishly for our benefit because we love her, but also so she can continue to share her story of what God has already done for His glory through this illness.  As believers in Christ, our lives are not our own.  We relinquished all control when we accepted Christ as Savior.  We know He is always working for our good.  I think we get tripped up when our definition of good does not match God’s definition. After all, our definitions of “good” can differ person to person throughout the world.  There is only one God, and He is good in the most holy, pure, omnipotent, faithful, loving, tender and righteous way.  We rest in who He is and in knowing He loves Salli even more than we do.  As the old hymn sings, it is well with my soul.
<<Check out two companion songs to this post on my Tunes page!>>
My personal prayer for Salli.  Psalm 139: 1-18

 1 O LORD, you have searched (Salli)
and you know (her).
2 You know when (she) sits and when (she) rises;
you perceive (her) thoughts from afar.
3 You discern (her) going out and (her) lying down;
you are familiar with all (her) ways.
4 Before a word is on (her) tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem (Salli) in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon (her).
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can (Salli) go from your Spirit?
Where can (she) flee from your presence?
8 If (she) goes up to the heavens, you are there;
if (she) makes (her) bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If (she) rises on the wings of the dawn,
if (she) settles on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide (her),
your right hand will hold (her) fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide (her)
and the light become night around (her),”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created (Salli’s) inmost being;
you knit (her) together in (her) mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because (she) is fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 (Her) frame was not hidden from you
when (she) was made in the secret place.
When (she) was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw (her) unformed body.
All the days ordained for (her)
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to (us) are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were (we) to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When (Salli) awakes,  (she) is still with you.