Tag Archives: faith

Film released!

Today I am giving a shout out to an awesome documentary that you have to see to believe.  I mentioned it several months ago in a blog post when we saw the premiere in June, but the film wasn’t released until October.

I highly recommend this film, Father of Lights.  It is the 3rd in a trilogy, but each film stands on its own.  Click here for the link.

It is less expensive to buy it via Wanderlust Production’s site (founded by Darren Wilson) versus Amazon, surprisingly enough!

This film is family-friendly for middle schoolers and up (in my opinion).  View trailer here.

If you want to see with your own eyes the power of God move in people’s lives – all over the world – and witness what only He can do, check out this film!  There are 2 versions – a 90 minute for $20 and a deluxe edition for $45 which includes over 11 hrs of outtakes.  There are also options for digital downloads that are discounted as well as buying the music for the film.

My only reason for promoting this film is because it was extremely encouraging so see God moving mightily in this world despite all of the news of world problems.  I walked away with a revived hope and fresh faith that no matter what the headlines may say, and who thinks they are in charge of what, God is most definitely still on the throne and He is sovereign above all, and I want the same encouragement for you!

Father of Lights is a great way to begin the new year.  A word of caution…you will never be the same again after seeing this film.  Are you in?

photo courtesy via Robby Dawkins

The Last Gift

A couple of years ago, I attended a Christmas party for my Bible study.  These ladies are fun!  This night was no exception. We laughed, ate and laughed some more.

Time came for the white elephant gift exchange.  Under my friend’s Christmas tree were the most beautifully wrapped presents you’ve ever seen.  The gift wrap was so pretty, one could only imagine what it was keeping inside.  Vintage paper, giant bows and shiny tie-on’s made these gift sparkle in our eyes.

We pulled numbers and the game began.  Cute, seasonal dish towels, a serving platter, a few ornaments, a scarf – everything was very nice.  Someone “stole” the gift I received, thus I was the very last person to choose.

However, there wasn’t really a choice as there was only one present left.  It had been overlooked the entire time, because under the tree sat a small, purple gift bag.  It looked as though it had been re-gifted at least a couple of times judging by the dents and wrinkles in it.  The tissue paper looked as tired as the bag.

I didn’t mind, because to me this was just a game.  I was more concerned about the embarrassment one of the ladies must have felt that her humble gift bag had been neglected the entire game, so I made sure to express my enthusiasm for this little surprise.

The room was quiet.  Lovely gifts rested on the ladies’ laps.  Stomachs were full and souls were content…until I opened the bag.

I gently pulled out the tattered tissue paper and set it carefully on the ground.

It seemed there was nothing in the bag at all.  I reached my hand into the bag and there was a small folded piece of tissue paper.  I pulled it out and placed it on my lap.

It was weightless.  Formless.  I was puzzled.  All eyes were on this mystery.

Slowly, I unfolded the tissue paper, and as I gazed upon the gift my heart skipped a beat.

There, in my hand, was the most beautiful Chrismon ornament I have ever seen.  The shiny gold beads and pearls intertwined to make a fish with a cross.  It was stunning.

The room gasped!  Everyone knew instantly that I had received the best gift.

Indeed I had, and since I was the last one to pick, no one could steal it from me.  It was mine to keep.

Everyone wanted to know who brought this treasure.  The woman who made this Chrismon spoke up and said that, in fact she made it by hand.  She went on to tell us that she purposefully wrapped it in unassuming packaging, because that is how Christ entered the world.  Unassuming, but to those who had eyes to see – resplendent.

I looked around the room and saw the expressions on the ladies’ faces.  They were happy with their gifts, but longed to have the experience that I just had.  I felt so honored to receive this hand-crafted gift.

Although I wasn’t seeking this Chrismon out, it found me.

I was deeply moved by this experience.  With humble gratitude, I said a sincere Thank you and tucked it back into the lonely purple bag.  I could hardly wait to get home and share this with my family.

Now, every year, we place that same purple bag under the tree to remind us that the best Gift in the world is not of this world.

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The feelings I had in this extraordinary experience seemed oddly familiar.  It wasn’t until I was driving home that God related this to my own love story with Him.

His appearance in my life was quite unassuming.  His presence has been with me since I was a child.  I can’t explain it and don’t deserve it.  One time my mother, sister and I were taking a walk when I was a small child.  We strolled down the tree-lined street hand-in-hand.  I was on one end, and with my left hand I held my mom’s hand, but I held my right hand out as if grasping another’s hand.

My mom saw this and playfully asked, Whose hand are you holding?

Without hesitation and surprised at her question, I answered matter-of-factly, Well, Jesus’ of course!  

God came to me as Friend first.  He was my safe place in a home that was dark and scary to a little girl.  Then, He was my Companion as I spent endless latchkey hours in the afternoons at home alone after school.

He came to me as full-on God when I was 14 years old.  When He revealed Himself to me in His Godship, I couldn’t speak.  It was the first time I heard His voice in my spirit.

Although I have a lifetime of sin He could audit me on, His Son’s blood sacrifice negated every last one I’ve ever done or will do.  His radical love is mystifying.  Audacious. Addictive.

I heard a sermon recently where the pastor told us to close our eyes and imagine what life would feel like without God in it.  I can’t tell you what that does to me.  I immediately welled up with tears.  My chest heaved in distress.  I wanted to scream.  My spirit lost all joy and hope – if only for a split second.  There isn’t a breath I can take without Him.

Just as this Chrismon found me, God sought me, pursued me, and bought me with His Son’s blood.  He is doing the same for you.

Jesus came into this world very unassuming.

Isaiah 53:2 – He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

Jesus, for some, is their last resort.  When all else has failed and all options have been exhausted, they default to what is left – much like the only gift left for me to open.

He is so much more than that!  He is our prize, our jewel, our salvation.  He is God’s only Son.  Rather than making Him a last-ditch effort at happiness in this life, He is eternal joy for those who choose Him as Savior.

The Jewish people of Jesus’ day expected a King to appear to them strong, powerful, wealthy and intimidating to all who opposed him.  However, Jesus was denied even a birthplace and came to all people as a poor baby born in scandal among the animals.

Isaiah 53:3 – He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.  Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 

Sometime’s life’s packaging is deceiving.  The best-wrapped things turn out to be mere moments of pleasure.  Christ, however, is more and more beautiful to us the more time we spend with Him and get to know Him.

The gifts that were opened, stolen and kept at the Christmas party are only a memory today.  But, the impact the Chrismon ornament experience had on me will last a lifetime – and the impact Jesus’ saving grace has on me will last for eternity.

Like the Chrismon ornament, salvation is ours to keep.  Unlike anything this world offers, no one can ever steal salvation from us.  We can’t lose it.  We can’t lend it or borrow it. Once it’s ours, it’s ours forever.  And, out of all of the gifts we could receive for Christmas, Jesus is the best gift.  He is eternal and His kingdom never ends.

If your house looks like mine post-Christmas, the Christmas tree is sagging, garland and bows are drooping, shreds of wrapping paper and candy wrappers hide under the couch, with pine needles stuck in the carpet, and evidence of celebration is scattered from room to room.  If you have never chosen to receive Christ as your personal Savior, one last gift remains under your tree.  It’s an unassuming package with a radically life-changing gift inside.  The gift of eternal life.  I encourage you to open it. Believe it.  Receive it.  Embrace it.

Christmas Day may be tucked into the history books, but a hope and a future lay waiting (Jeremiah 29:11).  The choice is yours to accept this free gift.  As the last present of the season, I pray all of the mystery, joy, curiosity and power it holds will be irresistible to you.  Go ahead – it’s got your name on it. 🙂

Romans 10:9 –That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

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A Different Silent Night

Christmas.  A time that comes once a year.  We decorate our homes, exchange gifts, dance to familiar tunes, watch It’s a Wonderful Life and enjoy tasty treats, but there is something else paralleling this season…it is reality.

Reality is often far from the picture-perfect Hallmark cards we mail to family and friends.

There is one Christmas I’d like to share. Years after my mom’s death, on Christmas Eve, I was a young bride enjoying my modest kitchen while preparing food for the family Christmas dinner always held at my grandparent’s home.  Vegetables simmered on the stove and a pie bubbled in the oven.  Without realizing it, I let my guard down.

See, I have this wall.  It’s a wall that was created when my life as a teenager was annihilated by reality.  Forced to grow up far too soon, my coping/defense mechanism was to build a fortress around my heart.  Walls so thick that nothing – absolutely nothing – could penetrate them and ever destroy me like I had already been.

But, in this particular holiday season, I wanted so badly to enjoy the experience of Christmas with all of the happiness it entails.  I let my guard down while standing at the stove, with flickering twinkle lights on the tree in the living room and stockings hung with care beside it.

This would be the Christmas I would actually let myself enjoy as I tended to my baking and cooking.

The phone rang.

It was my sister.

Granddad’s been taken to the hospital.  Meet us there.

I felt sucker-punched.  Breath flew out of my body and I couldn’t inhale.  I dropped the large, wooden spoon I was using and immediately turned off the burners and oven.

A cold, prickly sensation felt like an electrical shock all over my body.

My first response?  The wall came up.

My husband and I raced to the hospital.  Memories of just a few days before of my granddad throwing up blood from his lung cancer, and how my husband was the hands and feet in that crisis, replayed over and over and over.

The sound of my grandmother crying out in reflexive, desperate prayer in the panic, Jesus!  Lord Jesus! haunted my mind.

We reached the hospital and found him in ICU.  The prognosis – grim.

After being there for hours, taking our one-person turn in visitation with him, we were told to go home for the night and get some rest because there was nothing anyone could do.

I sat in the ICU waiting room feeling numb and helpless.  It was Christmas Eve.  My only prayer was this – Dear God, please do not let Granddad die on Christmas day.  Please.  I beg You.  After everything our family has been through, we couldn’t handle this.  Please don’t let his death overshadow Christ’s birth for the rest of our lives.

I was the peace-maker in the family.  This time would be no different.  My husband and I went home to gather a few things.  I grabbed the Christmas-printed napkins I bought earlier that week, some muffins I had baked, the music cassette recorder/player and a Christmas cassette, and my Bible.

We dashed back up to the hospital and I laid these things on the coffee table in the ICU waiting room.  It was a cold, sterile room.  The pleather furniture was stiff and squeaked, white walls void of warmth, no windows, the florescent lighting stung my eyes, and the stale air made me sick to my stomach.

The clock struck midnight and it was now Christmas – and we would celebrate it in remembrance of Christ and in honor of my granddad.

While we took turns checking on Granddad, I played the music very softly and offered muffins on the Christmas napkins to my grandmother, husband, sister and her husband.  I read Christ’s birth in Luke.

Every hour that passed, I never stopped begging and pleading with God not to take Granddad on Christmas day.

After a very long 24 hours, the clock struck midnight again.  It was December 26th. At 10am, the nurse came into the waiting room and said two words, It’s time.

All 5 of us jumped up and ran down the hall, holding my grandmother’s hands as we hurried.

The nurse tried to explain what was physically happening to Granddad, and that he wasn’t in any pain, but I couldn’t understand any of it.  There was something much more pressing on my mind.

I wasn’t sure if my granddad was saved.

He was a good man.  A great man.  Loving.  Kind.  Respectful.  Generous.  Funny.  Never missed church.  Tithed.  Blessed every meal.  Read the devotional, The Upper Room, every day of his life.

But still, I never, ever heard him profess a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

He did all of the things a Christian would do, but never having heard him share his personal faith in any way, I didn’t know for sure where he would spend eternity.  It is impossible to earn our way to heaven.  If that were the case, none of us would ever be enough, or do enough, to be good enough to make it there.

I stood beside Granddad’s bed and looked deep into his face.

The Holy Spirit prompted me to ask him about his faith.

Oh no.  No way.  I was the baby of the family.  My family already thought I was way too involved in my faith.  It was a touchy subject and I was a bit of the black sheep in this area.

No.  I can’t.  I just can’t.  I’m not going to stir up anything while he is dying.  I can’t do it in front my family.  It will upset them to hear me questioning his faith.  No.  Just no.

Do it.  You don’t have much time, the Holy Spirit urged me.

I just can’t!!!!!  I screamed in my heart in frustration, fear and anxiety.

Do it now, He pushed back.

There we were.  My granddad, my husband and me.  The other family members mysteriously stepped out of the room – I believe God miraculously led them out so we could have this moment.

I looked at Granddad, unable to speak, and thought about how crystal blue and beautiful his eyes were.  I rested my hand gently on his arm, careful not to disturb the I.V.’s sticking out in all directions.

Taking in a huge breath, the air caught in my throat.  I swallowed it down hard.  With hands shaking and the back of my neck sweating, I didn’t know how to ask a man of such character if he had accepted Christ in his heart as Lord and Savior.

Give me the words, God, please, I begged.

I tried again.  Granddad, I have to ask you something, I began as my heart pounded in my chest.  Would you like to dedicate your life to Christ?  I know you cannot speak, so just nod your head if you would like to.

With wide eyes, I watched for the slightest movement of his weary body.

He never took his eyes off of me, and to my utter shock and surprise, he ever-so-slightly nodded his head yes.  I couldn’t believe it!

Um, I said trying to remain calm having never been in this situation before, I will say the prayer for you, and you nod your head in agreement, okay Granddad?

He gently nodded again.

I said a prayer of salvation as if I were him, and when finished, he nodded in agreement.

Just a couple of minutes later – he died.

I stood by his bed stunned in bewildering belief that he nearly missed his chance to enter an eternity of life and blessing.

He was just a moment or two away from eternal separation from God.

Had I given into the tremendous fear of our family’s dynamics, or fear of presenting the Gospel, or any of the multitude of fears I felt at that moment, it would have cost him eternity.

It was a near miss and it terrified me.

I have no recollection of opening any gifts that year, but the best gift I received is knowing exactly where he is now.  With Jesus.  Perfect.  Healed.  Whole. Enjoying his daughter’s (my mom’s) company once again – never to say goodbye.

I am forever grateful that God honored my request and kept Christmas day about Jesus’ birth, and not my granddad’s death.

Christmas Eve and Christmas night were silent indeed.  But, they weren’t silent as in all is calm, all is bright.

All was very frantic.  Panicked.  Anxiety-filled.  All was dark.  Grim.  Hopeless for a happy ending this side of heaven.

This time of year, people are torn between trying to celebrate the season as best they can as loved ones lay dying in hospitals, husbands leave their wives, children rebel against their parents, threats against world peace fracture peace of mind, children are ruthlessly murdered at school, drunk drivers rob families of their precious ones, thieves break into homes and steal Christmas presents, companies lay people off two weeks before Christmas, medical reports come back positive, houses burn down from Christmas trees, and personal debt keeps on racking up.

It’s no wonder that depression and suicide rates leap this time of year.  Still, as I drove the streets of my city late last night picking up my child from a friend’s house, lights twinkle, inflatable snowmen wave, wreaths are hung and even a manger can be seen in some yards.

Why?

Why do all of this?  Go through all of this?  Play the role of Christmas?  No one can financially afford it anyway.  More homes are broken than not, so why try to pretend otherwise?  Marriage beds are defiled while jewelry companies advertise their diamonds as the perfect gift.  Friends aren’t speaking to each other, yet Christmas cards are exchanged between them.  People are desperately lonely and hide behind busyness to try to prove otherwise.

There are silent nights alright.  But, not all is calm and not all is bright.  The silence is deafening.  Behind closed doors parents cry themselves to sleep and husbands and wives give up and families settle for less, friends adapt to chilly relations, people avoid the credit companies’ phone calls, and most are wondering why they are even left on this planet.

Why have Christmas?

In the midst of the festivities all around me, even sharing it with my husband and children, today I stood in church singing Christmas songs while tears streamed down my cheeks.

Christmas, in America at least, has become so much about what we want that we have forgotten what we’ve already been given.

For me, my tears were because yesterday we went to a Christmas exhibit at a hotel, and I wasn’t prepared for how busy the hotel would be with guests.  It was packed with families reuniting.  Cousins, grandparents, in-laws, etc.  The little children were in their Christmas best.  One mom wanted to take her daughter’s picture by some pretty garland, and just as the mom snapped the camera, the beautiful little girl, wearing a plaid dress and hair pulled up in curls, stuck her finger up her nose.

Walking around the hotel, I felt a wave of grief hit me all over again of what I’ve lost over my lifetime.  Death, sickness, death, abandonment, death.  My heart sank.

Today in church, it was so crowded I’m not sure everyone found a seat.  Again, multiple generations sat together with grandpa’s holding babies while tired parents held each others’ hands.

So, my wishlist isn’t tangible.  Never has been.  Stuff is stuff and we can’t take any of it with us.  I miss my mom, grandparents, great-grandmother,  dad and father-in-law who are all waiting for me in heaven. I miss my husband’s family who is spread out across states, and my dad’s wife’s family who is also spread out across multiple states.

I mourn the loss of my childhood that was prematurely taken from me.  I miss the idea of having fond memories of growing up – of which there are very few.  I miss the loud homes filled with close and distant relatives and all of the craziness that brings.  It makes me want to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding again.

However, if I allow myself to stay in that dark place, I will miss Christmas this year as well.

God reminded me that I am, indeed, missing 2 important truths.

One, the day will come when I will have exactly what I have longed for my entire life – a huge family reunion.  It won’t be in this lifetime, but once it begins it will never end.  A party for eternity.  That’s worth waiting for.

Second, we’ve already been given the opportunity to make this reunion party possible.  Still, every year I almost miss the real meaning of Christmas.  I am so quick to be sad that my life doesn’t look like a Norman Rockwell painting, or Hallmark movie, that I get hung up on what I don’t have.

What I do have is a Savior that made an eternity with my Abba Father possible.  Without Christ’s birth, He wouldn’t have been able to die in my place for my sins.  I would be cursed forever to separation from Him.  But, because Christ robed Himself in flesh and became 100% man while still being 100% God, He lived a life that led to the cross.  Every day He traversed this earth was a day closer to bearing the worst punishment of all history – and He willingly did this for you and for me because God loves the world that much.

The first silent night of Christmas 2,000 years ago wasn’t filled with world peace and perfection.  Rather, it was tainted with Roman oppression.  A crazy Herod ruled and reigned.  There was political turmoil.  Community turmoil.  Family turmoil. Personal crisis.  Christ came to us anyway.

As I stood in church today singing, my tears of sadness were replaced with a peace that I don’t understand.  My husband had his arm around me, but Jesus’ hands were holding my heart.

Without shame or guilt, He gently nudged me back to the Father’s side so I could rest in the shadow of His wings (Psalm 91).  As I let Him peel away layers of hurt from my broken heart, He gave me new eyes to see the heart of Christmas.  God’s heart.  I was caught in a moment where everything was okay.  All of it.

Why?

Because Jesus reminded me He is in all of it with me.  There is nothing that separates us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:38-39).  And, He is enough.  Every blessing in life is icing on the cake.  What we are not given, He is still sufficient for us.

This Christmas, I am choosing to look not at what is missing from my life, but what has been given – a lifetime walking with God and a future with Him that will outlast time.

And, I will appreciate those blessings – like celebrating His birth with friends who are family to us.

May I challenge you as I challenge myself?  Will you place your wishlist in the hands of the Father and enjoy this Christmas simply for what it is?  Whether our lists are made up of jobs, good health, a baby, better finances, mended relationships, a mate, a home, a meal or presents for our children, can you join with me in knowing that the gift of Christ is enough?  More than enough?  That if nothing else in our worlds change by Christmas, or into next year, we will still thank Jesus for being the best gift of all?

It’s audacious alright.  Some may even call it ridiculous.

God gave up His only Son because He loves us that much.  We can come to Him with empty hands, even if they are stained with pain, and receive His love overflowing once again.

The best part is His love isn’t only given once a year like the presents under the tree.  It’s available 24/7/365.

I wish I could’ve ended this post with a big, happy finish and tied a virtual red bow around it.  But, life doesn’t always work like that.  However, just like my granddad who is now enjoying paradise, our happy ending is something believers can look forward to because Jesus defeated death and opened the only Way to eternal life.  Until that day comes, we can be grateful and thankful for the blessings, big and small, that God gives to make the journey’s load a little lighter and rest in the promise that we are never in it alone.

Peace to you today,

Kristi

The Bake Sale Lesson

2012 8th annual samaritan's purse bake sale

Eight years ago, a gift catalog appeared in our stack of December mail.  This one was unlike any I’d ever seen.  It was from Samaritan’s Purse.  In it, gifts could be purchased for people all over the world.  However, the gifts surprised us.  No jewelry, trendy clothes or home decor items.  The catalog offered basic needs that much of the world goes without every day.  Water, dairy animals, blankets, mosquito nets, medical supplies…you name it.  Our family was instantly captivated.

Sitting at the kitchen table after school, I showed our children (then ages 4, 6, and 8) the catalog and told them they could each pick out an item.  Their three items equaled $39.  Just then, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, Make this a teachable moment.  

How? I replied.

He sort of just spilled the words out of my mouth when I asked the kids, How are you going to pay for this?

All three of them pointed their fingers at me and said, You?

Ah!  Now I understood the teachable lesson part.

If I pay for these things, then the gifts are from me.  Giving a gift has to cost you something – time, energy, or money.  So, how are you going to pay for these?

They decided on a lemonade stand.  Great!  So we mixed 2 pitchers of lemonade and a couple dozen chocolate chip cookies, set up a cardboard table and sat on the corner of our yard and waited for passers by. By the end of the afternoon, our goal of $39 was blown away with a grand total of $370!

Fast forward 7 years.

Each year the bake sale has grown as more people want to be involved.  Every year is filled with heartfelt stories, and how I wish I could write forever and tell them all. However, this year was different than any other.

We love hosting this bake sale.  And, we are extremely grateful for the whopping 29 bakers that contributed to it this year.  We are thankful for Starbucks and Great Harvest Bread Co. who generously donated to the cause.

In the early planning stages, people who visit the sale every year began to show their excitement, asking when it would be and if we needed any help.  I was home recovering from foot surgery, so I had much free time to spare while stuck on the couch so plans kept rolling on.

This sale has become such a beautiful event.  People bring their children, their dogs, and their donations, and we love serving them with a smile as 100% of their money goes to purchase items from the Samaritan’s Purse gift catalog.  Even Samaritan’s Purse calls us each year, once they receive the grand total, and chat about how the bake sale went.  God’s blessing on this sale is apparent.  But, this year there was a problem…

The problem was me.

Here at RealDeepStuff, everything written is real whether it’s deep or just stuff.  My problem was real and it is deep.

It is the main sin I struggle with on a daily basis.  Everyone has them.  Sin that seems nearly impossible to separate from who we are.  They are our weaknesses.  Chinks in the armor.  Achilles’ heel.  For me, this major player is the sin of self sufficiency.

It is a daily struggle in my prayer life, personal life, marriage, parenting, relationships with friends, work, etc.  This two-headed dragon seems to creep up everywhere.  I know the Scriptures about God must be more and we must be less and how we should rely on Him, but honestly the familiar Philippians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, somehow became I can do all things through Christ – period!  

This year, I felt pressure to get my foot healed up (which it still isn’t) so I hit the ground running twice as fast.  After all, it’s a good event for a good cause to expand the kingdom, help others, glorify God, and teach our children it is better to give than receive.  So when the Holy Spirit reminded me that we needed to pray about the bake sale, and seek God’s will for it, I remember the moment as if it were yesterday.

I stood in my kitchen at the sink when His words came to me.  My sinful response?  Eh, it’s not really necessary, and I continued my work.

Whoa.  Why did I say that?  Easy – because I’ve put this sale together for 7 years.  It’s practically on auto-pilot.  We tweak it every year with what we learn, but planning it in general is second nature.

I actually found myself wondering what there could be to prayer about other than wanting His desired items being ordered from the catalog.

I had fallen hook, line and sinker for the enemy’s trap of self-reliance.  It’s as though I said to God, It’s okay, I got this.

How dare I leave His voice out.  It’s like throwing a birthday party and not inviting the guest of honor.  I broke His heart in that moment, and He began a teachable lesson for me this time.

Plans continued, but it seemed so flat.  Buy the correct permit – check.  Arrange for parking signs – check.  Notify a friend who is a police officer of the sale – check.  Make sure all bakers have what they need – check.  Borrow tables, cabanas, and buy cabanas – check.  Run a ton of electrical – check.  And so on and so on.  However, no one else knew this, but preparations were dry to me.  Numb.  Same ‘ol same ‘ol.  And, the bread company didn’t return my 4 calls, 2 personal visits or the 1 flyer we left with them.  I just couldn’t understand it.  They’ve partnered with us for 3 years.  What changed?  I found the planning to be frustrating and unfulfilling.

God had not left the bake sale.  This is His baby!  He was definitely in it, but He was silent.  When I ignored praying to Him because I had the audacity to think we could do this on our own, but for His glory, He said, So be it.  And let me be.

His silence was deafening.

One day, while running errands, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.  The guilt   The shame.  The sin.  Tears welled in my eyes as He let me experience His broken heart.  My heart nearly burst from the overwhelming sadness He allowed me to feel.

Oh God, I am so sorry.  I left You out of the plans because I thought I can handle it.  But You want to be a part of this.  This event thrills Your heart, and I’ve denied Your voice, opinions and direction out of relying on myself.  I am so sorry.  I can see now what it’s like to serve You without You, and I don’t want to do it this way anymore.  Will You forgive me, God?  Will You be the focus of this bake sale in guiding, directing and planning every part of it?  I need You and can feel how much You want to be in this.  God…I’m really sorry.

In an instant He forgave me, faithful to Himself and His covenant to us, even when we are unfaithful to Him.  It’s like He rolled up his sleeves with a wide grin and said, Alright then.  Let’s get to work!  

From that moment on, this bake sale was unlike any we’ve ever had.  He breathed life into the sale and into me.  He was all over it, and the joy He ignited in my heart was uncontainable.  Such enthusiasm I have not felt in a long time.  He blessed this day with so much love, compassion and excitement it was all I could do to stand and soak it in.  I can still barely talk about it without emotion.  Perhaps in my flesh I could have prepared a bake sale.  But, by God’s power, people’s lives were changed.  His Spirit was so present, I could barely find words to speak throughout the entire 8 hour sale.

In my next post, I will share some of the stories of the people who were a part of the sale.  I invite you back here to read them, and know you, too, will be changed.

For now, I will once again offer the prayer that I’ve said a thousand times, but at first neglected to do this year – and my sin nearly made me miss the blessing of this bake sale.  Whatever ministry you are a part of, whether it be personal toward family and friends, in your job or in volunteering, don’t make the mistake I made thinking I could do it on my own.  It is a sin that America has believed for far too long.

May we never be found guilty of refusing God’s help because of self-reliance, pride, ignorance, callousness or indifference to what He wants.  May what He wants be what we pursue.

In the words of Moses, we pray… Then Moses said to (the LORD), “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.  How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”  And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.” Exodus 33:15-17

Would you like to know how He made these verses real to me?  Tangibly real?  Two days before the bake sale, in a last-ditch effort, I called the bread company again – just to see.  The manager ever-so-casually told me that they indeed had been preparing for our sale and I could come pick everything up.  I was shocked!  But not really.  I believe with all my heart that God intentionally let me sweat it out.  A good parent appropriately disciplines his child, and God is a good Father.  I think He allowed the silence to draw me to Him, but in the moment I was too tangled up in the details and missed His cue.

However, I was totally unprepared for what met me at the store when I went to pick up their donations.  There they were…bags and bags and bags and bags of delicious treats.  My breathe caught in my chest as I stood utterly speechless, fighting a tear trickling down my cheek.  It took 2 trips to the store to collect it all.  They had, all along, been in communication with the other store location, and had agreed to combine their efforts and gave us a massive amount of beautiful baked goods.

I…I don’t know what to say, I stuttered to the owner.

It’s just so much more than I ever thought, I said, staring at the counters full of bags.

The owner simply smiled and gave me a hug and wished our bake sale well.

I got in the van and rested my hands on the steering wheel.  Pausing before I turned on the ignition, I said to God with a tearful smile, You did this. You had this planned all along.  I was so worried.  So stressed out.  So anxious.  And here You are.  You delivered and You delivered big.  Thank You, Lord.  And God, I get Your point.

Ephesians 3:20-21 immediately came to mind, Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

It was a great day that God just blew the doors off of.  I can’t wait to share with you in my next post the fingerprints He left on this bake sale and on the hearts who were touched by His vision…

A New Advent

Is it okay to break away from tradition at Christmas?  Perhaps that depends on which tradition.  For our family, it was time to step out and try something new with advent candles.

When the vision of a new advent candle scene came to mind, I felt a little guilty, like I was breaking a rule or something.  It felt legalistic.  Sacrilegious.  Freeing!

Earlier this month, I had an unexpected and disgusting surprise in our attic (via post Christmas Shocker!).  One thing we couldn’t keep was our advent candle wreath, so we started from scratch.

I could have bought a pretty or ornate one, but when I stopped and thought about it, after all the years of my life, I still cannot recall the 4 meanings/Sundays of advent (in order nonetheless).  I asked my husband if he could – and he couldn’t.  Somehow this left a hole in our holidays.

What have we been doing wrong all these years that traditional advent doesn’t stick?

Will it be the same for our children when they have their own homes to decorate when they are grown?

God is far more interested in a relationship with us rather than religious observances for the sake of tradition, so I asked Him what we could do as a family to make advent more real to us.  Reading back through Luke, and contemplating what God was revealing to me, I focused on the aspects of Christmas that were just as raw back then as they are now.

This is the product of a precious journey with Him…

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Here’s what it all means to our family –

The first Sunday is the black candle and black candle holder.  This is for TRUST.  Looking at Scripture, there were many people involved in the birth of Christ who were asked to trust God when it was scary and downright dangerous.  Joseph, Mary, Zechariah, Elizabeth, shepherds, wise men, and all of the prophets who announced Jesus’ coming centuries before.

The enemy of trust is fear.  It’s no wonder the angels who spoke to Joseph, Zechariah and Mary each said, Do not be afraid.  Fear paralyzes us.  Trust frees us.  Fear pushes us away from God.  Trust draws us to Him.  Each person surrounding the birth of Christ was asked to believe the unbelievable. To trust the impossible.  We, too, are asked to trust God when the way is dark.  Lonely.  Unknown.  Trust forces us to give up control.  That can be very hard to do.  But with trust comes peace.  Peaces musters up the courage we need to take a deep breath and utter the words, I trust You, God.  Your will be done.  

Mary could have been legally stoned to death for being an unwed mother.  Joseph risked his reputation, Mary’s reputation and the reputation of his family.  Zechariah had long lived with disgrace of his wife being barren.  He was old.  She was old.  His doubt caused him to live the remainder of Elizabeth’s pregnancy being mute.  I suppose that gave him a great deal of time to contemplate things.

The shepherds forfeited their flocks and sleep to trust there was a stable that housed a young, poor family whose baby is the Christ child.  They risked being shunned by anyone they may have met along the way because of their filthy state and humble status.  The wise men risked their community reputation as they set off to seek the Messiah.  They, who studied stars for a living, held a very high rank in their communities.  Can you imagine what people must have thought as they left their families, packing extremely expensive gifts, to set off for an unknown destination, for an unknown length of time, following a star hung in the sky?  I’m sure some where amazed at their quest, but surely others thought this was a risky, if not crazy, idea.  A black candle and holder seemed the most appropriate color for trust as we follow God wherever He heads even when we can’t see His end plan.

Psalm 56:3-4 – When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Psalm 20:7 – Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

Luke 1:38 – “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Then the angel left her.

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The second Sunday is the blue candle with an ivory holder.  This is for HOPE and FAITH.  Once we took a deeper look at what it means to trust God, even when we can’t see His plan, the next step is to act on it.  Thus, with hope, we live out faith.  The ivory holder and twine remind me of what they may have worn back then.  Simple.  Unassuming.  The blue candle represents the days they had to walk putting one foot in front of the other in sheer faith that God was leading them on the path He planned.

Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Psalm 62:5 – Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;  my hope comes from him.

Isaiah 40:30-31 – Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

2 Corinthians 5:7 – We live by faith, no by sight.

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The third Sunday is the white candle and glass holder.  This is for JOY!  When the angels proclaimed the news of Christ’s birth to the shepherds, and Jesus had drawn His first breath in this world, holy joy was breathed into the world as fresh as when life was breathed into Adam’s body and Noah’s dove returned with a dry branch in its beak.  Even a multitude of angels transcended through the spiritual realm into the earthly atmosphere to proclaim this good news.  However, this small family of 3 was in the dark.  In a cave.  Surrounded by animals.  Rejected by people.  Shepherds didn’t win the lottery and buy a new car.  They had jobs to go back to after witnessing the Messiah.  Lonely, smelly, lowly jobs.  They were – the outcasts still.  Wise men merely set out that night on their quest to seek the Savior by the light of the brightest star.  They didn’t reach Him by daybreak.  In fact, Scripture tells us they found Jesus, by then a toddler, in a house.  Think of how long their journey must have been!  Then, after beholding the Christ as a child, they set off for home.  They had jobs to return to.  Families.  Community responsibilities…and a long journey back.

Despite, the appearance of circumstance, unspeakable joy ignited in all of their hearts because their hearts were forever changed by Christ!

We, too, can have that same unmovable, unshakable, unchanging joy – even if our present circumstances don’t change.  Even if we are stuck in dead-end jobs, are praying for wayward children, are suffering silently in a lonely marriage, are overwhelmed in school or aren’t sure how to pay the car loan.  Joy, true joy, is a gift from God.  It is not the same as happiness.  Happiness is a feeling – an emotion – that changes like the wind.  God’s joy is of another world, and thus this world cannot steal, squash or snuff it out.

Luke 2:10 – But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.

Isaiah 51:11 – The ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads.  Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Nehemiah 8:10 – Nehemiah said, “…Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

1 Peter 1:8-9 – Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

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The fourth Sunday is the red candle and wooden candle holder.  This candle symbolizes the love that God has for us.  John 3:16.  Jesus was love wrapped in flesh – His love and the love of the Father.  The wooden holder represents the manger, or feeding trough, that was Jesus’ first bassinet.  It still takes my breath away that Someone so beautiful, resplendent, and perfect could be cradled by such a humble abode.

Psalm 36:5 – Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.

John 3:16-17 – For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

Psalm 119:76 – May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.

Romans 5:8 – But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

1 John 4:16 – God is love.

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The fifth candle is lit on Christmas day.  It is majestic gold and symbolizes Christ Himself!  I was on a search for just the right candle and holder to represent the glory of the Lord.  Turns out, it took 2 holders!  They were different colors, so I spray painted them gold.  The candle is gold as well.  Together, all 3 elements signify the reason Christ was born…it was so that He could die in our place on the cross.

Luke 1:30-33 – But the angel said to (Mary), “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”

Phil 2:6-11 – Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself  and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

John 14:6 – Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

Hebrews 9:27-28 – Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.

Isaiah 9:6 – For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,     Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

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So, what has this new advent candle set up done for our family?  It has changed everything!  Whereas before we simply read the designated Scripture and the definition of the candle (which we can’t recite).  Now, all 5 of us can tell you 5 elements of Christmas both for those who lived it then and those who believe it now.

All 5 of these components: Trust, hope & faith, joy, love and salvation are completely relatable to our lives.

As a family, we talk about these and give examples of both those in the Bible and in our lives.  It has been utterly amazing how rich the conversation has been!  I have learned things about my children’s lives I never knew before about how God has worked in their lives to strengthen their walk with Him.  This alone was worth the change in how we participate in the advent season.

I am sure there are purists who would disagree with our candles, holders, and some of the spiritual elements, and that’s okay.  Traditions have their place.  For our family, we needed something that helped us draw closer to Christ in a season of life that is crowded with work, homework, and commitments that taunt us to tell Jesus there is no room for Him in our present-day Christmas.

When He knocks on the door of my heart, I don’t want to be so busy with the “stuff” of Christmas that I don’t recognize His voice.  I don’t want to be so tired that I don’t answer the door.  I don’t want to find too much value wrapped up in things either under the tree or on my calendar that I miss the opportunity to invite Jesus into my Christmas.

Is there room for Christ in your Christmas?

If you need a change, feel free to use our advent ideas for your home.  After all, it’s not the glow from the candle that counts.  It’s the fire in our hearts for Jesus that illuminates the dark world around us.

Let His light shine in you this Christmas!

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Post note – I thought I would include information about the things pictured in the photo in case you’re interested.

  • The tablecloth is from Crate & Barrel (Last year’s after-Christmas clearance).
  • Chargers are from the Dollar Store.  (99 cents each)
  • The nativity figures are from Hobby Lobby.  They were 50% off.  They look like wood, but are resin which are easy to clean and will last a long time.
  • The black, ivory, and wooden candle holders are from Michael’s. (Using coupons!)
  • The glass candle holder and unscented white pillar candle are from WalMart.
  • The black, blue, red and golden cross unscented candles are from Hobby Lobby. (On sale!)
  • The two candle holders spray painted gold are from Hobby Lobby.  The smaller one actually looks just like a crown with crosses on the sides of it.

The gift of peace

As I scurried around the house yesterday, I raced the clock to pick everything up.  Have you ever reached a point when life must stop for a moment and reset?  That was my moment.  I couldn’t take the clutter anymore.  So I began trying to handle every detail in life (as if it were possible to have every detail completely tied up at one time!) and went room to room picking up the house, making it once again look like a home.

Once finished, I walked back into our family room and beheld a surprising sight…the Christmas peace pillow!

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Instantly, I began to chuckle to myself.  There I was, frantically picking up stuff, checking email, checking voicemail, checking the food simmering on the stove, making appointments, picking up an ornament that fell off the Christmas tree, reminding myself of the gifts I need to wrap and mail – busy, busy, busy.

Of all the Christmas decor, it was the peace pillow that was turned upside down.

What an ah-ha! moment that God orchestrated.  As I stared at the pillow, haphazardly tossed upside down by any member of my family, God asked me, So, how’s your peace doing?

He reminded me in this nano-moment that a clutter-free home doesn’t offer guaranteed peace.  Neither does a made bed, clean dishes, empty inbox, zero voicemail messages, a full tank of gas, dinner waiting, children on time to school, or a good hair day.

All of those things are great and help lighten our load.  But all of those things can change. They depend on us to continuously oversee, tend, work and re-work their condtion.

As I picked up the pillow and set it in its rightful position, I took a deep breath, relaxed my tense shoulders and replied, Better now, thanks.

We can have a perfect-looking life on the outside, but be void of peace and joy and love on the inside.  Peace, true peace, comes from the heart because it is a gift from Jesus.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ~ John  14:27

Jesus gave us a present!  Have you unwrapped your gift of peace?  Even when our life is messy, frazzled, unkempt or unorganized, we can still enjoy peace this Christmas season – and always.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  He came to bring peace on earth.  He left us perfect peace as a tether to Himself and our citizenship in heaven.

We’re all trying hard this season to be all to all.  In the process, don’t let the peace that Jesus gave you get tossed upside down when life gets deshelved.

In the words of Jude 2, may mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance today, and every day, as we prepare to celebrate the birth of our Christ.

Peace out! 🙂

Christmas Joy

This season, I’ve been acutely aware of the blessings in life.  Perhaps it’s the season’s Spirit of joy, but oftentimes there is also a lot of stress associated with Christmas – unfortunately.  I don’t want to forget the recent moments that have brought a smile or a laugh to the day, so I decided to write them down and will continue to throughout the month.  Share a smile with me…

* Standing in our front yard with my man as he laughs at my attempt to assemble and inflate the inflatable snowman in our front yard.  I’m not a huge fan of lawn ornamentation, but Frosty found us and so he stays.  Anyway, in an effort to streamline decorating, I put Frost up myself this year.  I guess I couldn’t have done it any more wrong.  Hey, that’s why I married an engineer – because I’m not one!

* Enjoying the show the Salvation Army bell ringers put on in NYC.  Wow!  These people love their jobs!  Singing, dancing, grooving…it was quite a show and made everyone’s day a little brighter.

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* Came home the other day to find the nicest surprise!  My neighbor has a lawn service, but we don’t.  When their lawn guy came this week and did their lawn, he also blew off our leaf-covered driveway.  What a treat!

* Sitting around the dinner table, the meal long since finished, and just listening to our kids tell jokes and recite movie lines.  My man looked at me from across the table and I knew what he said to me with his eyes – and I agree…Yes, this IS what it’s all about, Honey.

* Dressing up our dog in her Mrs. Claus outfit to pick out our Christmas tree at the hardware store.  A red satin dress, velvet ruffled collar and hat with wig.  Oh it’s just too much. 🙂  She loves a car ride, and going to get the tree was a special treat.

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* Wrapping presents with my oldest for precious boys and girls in our community, and laughing with my boy at how he’s always had a hard time with, in his words, crafts.  Hey, it took me years of practice to get curling ribbon down.

* Spontaneously having a family sing-a-long while our baby girl played the Christmas music she’s learned on the piano.

* The smell of pine tree-scented candles.

* Our annual quest to find the perfect egg nog.  Nothing beats the Farm Stores brand I grew up with, but we’ll keep suffering through the samples. 😉

* Serving with my family and friends at Operation Christmas Child.  It is an amazing ministry that we are blessed to be a part of every year.  I love taking people for the first time and watching them be overwhelmed with joy at the work and the generosity of humankind on the behalf of God’s love love for the world.  What a great night!

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* Watching an elderly couple walk in front of me into an office building.  Although they were very old, and walked slowly, they held hands as they went.  What a picture it was.  He was in his twill coat and scarf.  She donned her long coat and knitted hat.  One walked with a cane.  Both were still in love.  They held hands tightly as they entered the building, discussing which elevator button to push.  It was a fleeting moment I am so glad I didn’t miss.  They personified beautiful, committed, tender love.  I think about all they must have seen in their lifetimes: the wars, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, homes, jobs, etc. and yet they still walk together – holding hands.  May all of us be so blessed.

* The silly elf hat my man bought our baby girl at the grocery store.  It’s really cute on her!  When they walked into the house, I said to her (wearing the hat) with a smile, So, what did you talk your dad into buying?  She smiled back, Oh, nothing.  Bruce and I do not have a problem saying no to our kids – they would agree!  It makes me smile to imagine what their conversation must have been somewhere between the produce and milk aisles about this green and red striped hat with sewn-on pointed ears.  He caved.  She’s adorable!  It’s all good.

* Thinking about my mother-in-law, whom I love dearly.  We spent Thanksgiving with her and extended family.  This year, we sat down to give thanks – including her being a new breast cancer survivor.  In the spring, when this news hit the whole family hard, I wondered what the fall would look like.  It surpasses my hopes!  She went with us to NYC and, little did we know, she got to fulfill a lifelong dream of seeing the giant Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center.  She still talks about it, and I am so touched to have been able to be there with her when she saw it in person for the first time. ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

* At church, there was a volunteer pushing a 6-seater buggy filled with some of the cutest toddlers you’ve ever seen.  This kind woman could have just walked them around, but she saw it as a teachable moment.  They stopped at a table with the manger scene on it.  She pointed out all of the people and what their role was in the stable that night.  These little ones can’t even say complete sentences yet, but this woman patiently went through each one.  She wasn’t telling it to them like a bedtime story…she was writing it on their hearts.  What a blessing it was for me to stand back and watch. ~ Deuteronomy 6:4-9

* I was at urgent care yesterday and am touched by seeing family and friends willing to risk catching all of the yuck going around in order to take, and sit with, their sick loved one.  Every seat was filled and every other person had a box of tissue on their laps.  Still, those healthy stayed by the side of those too sick to care for themselves.  ~ Matthew 25:34-40

* I don’t eat many desserts like cakes, pies – you know, the big hitters (chocolate notwithstanding).  For a special treat this weekend, I baked a Razzleberry pie (bought, not made!) for a kickoff to the Christmas season in our house.  To know my man is to know he LOVES pie!  His affection for pie is a joke, actually, in our family.  Razzleberry is his favorite tied with apple.  For 22 years, I have always saved the last slice for him, because it’s a way to show him I love him because I know how much he loves his pie.  Well, I was alone in the house, and one piece remained in the fridge.  Twenty-two years I left that last slice alone, but licking my wounds from being sick, I did it.  I ate the last slice!  I even sprayed whipped cream on top.  Not only that, I lost myself in a quiet moment on my sofa with the Christmas tree in the corner and stockings hung over the fireplace, and I…well, I…I sort of…licked the plate!  Not since I was a mere child have a licked any plate.  I even giggled as I did it as if I was breaking some adult rule.  I was good.  So very good.

* Listening to Barbara Streisand’s rendition of Jingle Bells!  Streisand was one of my mom’s all-time favorite singers, and hearing this song makes me feel close to Mom again.

* The P.A. who helped me at a clinic yesterday was so incredibly nice!  After leaving an urgent care filled with very sick people and the stench of Lysol in the air, I didn’t know what to do.  Finding a clinic, this woman was friendly, kind and attentive.  She went above and beyond her duties and showed that she genuinely cared.  I wasn’t a number or a bother.  I was a person she wanted to help.  And with that, she gave me meds for a severe sinus infection…finally I’ll get some relief.  God bless her!

* Reading “The Smells of Christmas” with my youngest.  It’s a scratch & sniff picture book exactly like the one I had growing up.  Although we are both a bit old for picture books, if you can’t enjoy a child’s classic at Christmas, then when can you? 🙂

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* Running into a store the other night, a Salvation Army bell ringer was outside.  I simply cannot pass by one without putting something in the pot.  However, I don’t carry cash ever since my car was stolen – with my purse inside which was stolen by a 2nd set of thieves who found it thrown away by the joy riders who totaled my car (long story).  I literally didn’t have a dime on me and felt terrible.  Upon exiting, I looked at him and said, I’m so sorry I don’t have anything to give tonight.  Instead of making me feel worse, he said with a smile, That’s alright Ma’am, you have yourself a good night.  Grace!  I love it. 🙂  It’s better to give than receive, yes, but that night I loved receiving his grace!

* Hanging mistletoe and getting caught under it.

* Hearing my very favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night.  To me , it is Christmas worship and reminds me every time in 2 Chronicles 7:1-3 when the priests could not enter the temple, and all the Israelites “knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground” and worshiped, when the train of the LORD filled the temple.  All they could do, instead of their tasks, was worship.  May our Christmas be the same.  May we be overtaken by the presence and holiness of God that we stop our tasks, fall on our knees…and worship.  Some of the most spontaneous moments for worship for me have been doing the dishes, driving in the car, and doing the mundane things of the day.  Worship can happen anytime a heart draws near the Lord, and O Holy Night helps me do just that.

* Anticipating decorating our gingerbread house, and the fact that my kids are looking forward to it as much as I am.  I buy one early every season, when they are on sale, and it patiently waits until they are out of school for Christmas break.  Decorating the gingerbread house is just good ol’ fashioned fun, and makes all of us feel like little kids again!

* Trimming the tree.  Out of the whole Christmas tree process, I most enjoy reminiscing over the ornaments with my family.

*It all goes!  I’ve been on a purging binge for days now.  Before another Christmas goes by, we are purging everything we don’t need (thanks to the invasion I wrote about in Christmas Shocker).  It feels really good to know that items we no longer need will help another family have a wonderful holiday.  Toys and coats that are in great shape will make good presents.  It is indeed better to give than receive.

* Designing our Christmas card.  Even though I grumble about the to-do’s on the list, I love looking back at the year and the many ways God has moved, worked, healed and blessed our family.  It’s not all been rosy, but it’s all passed through the hands of our sovereign God who loves and works on our behalf.

Many of these Christmas blessings are very unassuming.  They would be easily missed if not intentionally sought.  Christmas isn’t necessarily made up of peak moments, rather it is weaved together with blessings that almost camouflage with life.  And, these blessings are often taken for granted.

The first Christmas, in Bethlehem, was much the same.  Unassuming.  Unnoticed by most.  Never a thought of looking for our Savior – much less have any room for His presence.  Christmas began in the Old Testament with hundreds of prophecies regarding Christ’s coming.  It continued into the New Testament with the birth of John the Baptist and Mary’s virgin conception and a never-before census which took Joseph and Mary to Bethlehem – just like the prophecies said.  A long journey, probably filled with many silent moments interrupted only by the hooves of the donkey carrying Mary.

We may have come a long way with our modern Christmas festivities, but I can’t help but notice all of the very personal ways God’s love is still reaching.  Drawing.  Loving.

This season, for every beautiful moment that brings a smile to your heart, thank God for the gift that it is.  Seek Him in the large and small moments of the season (Deuteronomy 4:29).  He is in them all.  The best gifts need no bows or colorful wrapping paper.  After all, the very best gift was wrapped in cloth and laid in a feeding trough – for you and for me.

Christmas shocker!

I’ll just say it…I’m a sap.  I love traditions, romantic movies, flowers, family time and greeting cards that make me laugh or cry.

Every year, I have in my mind an idea of how Christmas should go – beginning the day after Thanksgiving until New Year’s Eve.  Anticipating the season is almost more fun for me than the season itself.  I think it’s because in anticipating, anything is possible!

As we began this Christmas season, I made my usual trek to the attic to pull out our Christmas boxes.  Let me just say I love having a teenage son who can help my husband and I with this.  He is such a blessing!  As my boy and I were digging out boxes, I imagined what decorating the house would look like.  It’s the same picture in my mind every year…

Our whole family sets a day aside to work together as a team.  Loading up the van, we pile in with coats and gloves and hats – and a camera! – and head to the mountains to cut down the perfect tree.  Once home, we relive fond memories together of the treasures we pull from the holly-printed cardboard boxes, while hot cocoa simmers on the stove and Christmas music joyfully plays in the background.  We finish everything in one day, then end this magical experience with jammies, popcorn and a Christmas movie snuggled under our Santa-printed fleece blanket.

I wanted a Hallmark movie moment.  Not!

This is how it really went…our son pulled all of the boxes down.  However, as I opened them, I was horrified at what we found.  In all my life, and especially in the last 15 years of living in the same ol’ house, I have never seen this.  Sometime over the last 11 months, an invasion occurred.  An infestation of a disgusting kind.  Roaches.  Without us knowing it, those creatures made their way into every last holly-printed cardboard box (the same busted up cardboard boxes we’ve used for literally 20 years because I am cheap frugal). By the time I got my hands on the boxes the roaches were gone, but they had left plenty of evidence behind.

I could have screamed or cried or thrown up!

We’re talking about our family’s compilation of Christmas treasures.  Twenty-two years worth!  I felt like wind had been knocked out of me.

Then, why I ever thought we could drive to the mountains AND do everything else in one day I have no idea.  It’s physically impossible.  So, off we trekked to the local hardware store – like the past 5 years – for our tree.  We donned our coats and camera, and drove up only to find the “outside garden” locked up.  We really didn’t have a thought about the time when we got in the van, but evidentially we arrived 10 minutes before the store was closing.  I jumped out and went inside to ask if we could still pick our perfect tree in under 10 minutes.

I can’t describe the look the woman at the return counter gave me.  Her reply of, I guess so, was accompanied with a life-draining sigh and a look as if I had just asked her to clean out my roach-infested boxes. Clearly, she wanted to go home, and my party of 5 stood in her way.

Not ideal, but we’ll take it.  We thought we could speed shop so off to the trees we went. To our utter amazement, there were like 6 trees there.  Not kidding!  I stood wide-eyed and frozen in disbelief, with the camera hung around my neck, while the kids tried to play their annual game of hide & seek in the 6 pathetic trees.  Seriously.

A woman who worked there appeared and told us that these trees were weeks old and well, we could buy if we want but there’d be a new shipment the next day.

By the time Bruce parked the van and met us, the only decision had been made.  We left empty-handed.

The only light moment was when, on our way out, I played a trick on my tween son who didn’t like a life-size, creepy animated Santa.  I waited for my boy, and when he passed by me, I acted like the freaky-looking, singing and dancing Santa was grabbing me.  My son hit the floor!  I guess I have a sadistic sense of humor as I chuckled all the way out the store with him latched onto my arm. 😉

Okay, so we can still decorate the next day, right?  Nope.  Homework for the kids and a heavy workload for Bruce proved to be too much.  I had to face a decision.  Either I decorate alone or it simply won’t happen this year.

This meant single-handedly dealing with the you-know-what issue…the invasion.

I could have thrown a fit.  I could have gotten angry.  Sad.  Bitter.  After all, doing this alone meant not only a lot of work for me (currently sick and still dealing with my dumb scar-tissued toe), but also giving up the dream of cocoa, music, popcorn and a family movie.  The possibility of the perfect day would be forever deleted from our digital scrapbook.

Was I disappointed?  Yes.  Was I frustrated?  Yes.  Did it mean the holidays (or holy days as in the original meaning) would be ruined?  No.

Somewhere among the boxes, I unpacked my proverbial big-girl panties and went to work.  Why?

I realized that everyone is doing the best they can right now.  My husband isn’t out late at night with the guys, sluffing off his husbandry duties.  My kids aren’t playing hours (or any!) video games and ignoring my requests.  We are arm-wrestling life for a mere 5 hours of sleep a night for crying out loud.

Perspective.  That’s what I unpacked next to my big-girl panties.

I saw this as an opportunity to give an early Christmas present to my family.  It is the gift of keeping Christmas alive despite the attempts to suffocate it beneath the demanding 24/7.

Box by box, I went through each and every item.  Sadly, most everything had to go.  (sigh)

Thank goodness my washer has a sanitize option so I could wash all of the textiles.  Saved, yeah!  And our Christmas dishes are kept inside the house so those were okay.  But every little trinket (minus ornaments in a closed up box) was affected.

Disheartened, I began to take it all out of the house.

However, as I washed, Cloroxed, and tossed, something odd occurred to me.  The Holy Spirit showed me this was an opportunity to let go of the past and cling to the new work God is doing in my life – the healing I’ve been writing about since September.  The healing that begins with brokenness.

I never imagined how many ways I could be broken – or healed.

God reminded me as I went through each box, and every time I pass by the empty tree stand with lights still rolled up and ornaments still in the box, that Christmas is so much more than what we make it.  I’ve been to some beautiful homes, and I mean gorgeous, decorated for Christmas.  But, look past the decor and those homes were void of the love and intimacy God wants for every family.

I’m not a materialistic person, but I am 100% guilty of setting unrealistic expectations of how things should be.  More than the loss of our Christmas decor, I had to let go of the ideal I had in my mind of how this season would look for our family.

Where God allows brokenness He simultaneously begins to heal.

Our family doesn’t have the budget to simply go out and replace everything we lost.  But, God did put me in the right stores that are already offering 50% off their Christmas decor, and I was able to buy a couple of things.

In fact, He made a huge teachable moment for me at the checkout in one craft store.  I placed what I was buying on the counter.  The last item I was deciding on was this adorable little Santa figure.  His facial expression was precious and he was cheap!  The young cashier grew restless as I wrestled with whether or not to buy it.

Why was I struggling?  He was 50% off and really cute!   God showed up and whispered to me, You are at a crossroads.  Do you continue with how you’ve always done things at Christmas, or do you use the loss as the beginning of a new season?

Hmm.  We’ve never made a big deal about Santa, but we’ve participated in tradition. Nevertheless, God is pushing us to a new level – one closer to Him.  As the cashier, and a growing line of people, waited (impatiently) on me, I said to her, I can’t understand why I am having a hard time deciding on this.

However, I really did understand.  It was my carnal nature struggling against my spirit.  I knew what I had to do.

Okay.  I’m not going to get this, I told the cashier as I handed it back to her.

I’m not a scrooge when it comes to Christmas traditions, but clearly God is trying to do a new work in our family, and I’ve learned enough times that when He wants to move, it’s in our best interest to let Him.

Even Bruce said the moment we saw the invasion that he felt it was God saying, Get rid of what you don’t need.

Honestly, we don’t need more Santa at Christmas.  We need more Christ.

Back home, as I continued to unpack and toss, one item was missing and it really upset me.  I couldn’t find our nativity.  It’s not just any nativity.  It’s the one I had as a child.  It’s old, beaten down and weathered, but it’s the one I used to set up every year and sit by the glow of its nightlight bulb with my dog as I gazed at the ceramic figures with their chips, nicks and missing parts.  To think the roaches had taken that too was heart-breaking.

I found one plastic box, not cardboard like the others.  I opened it, and to my astonishment, there was the nativity!  Last year, out of all of the boxes, I unknowingly packed the nativity in the plastic box where it was kept safe.  God did that for me.

It’s ironic, really, that the Santas and snowmen were affected by the invasion, but not our nativity.

No, it’s not ironic.  It is an object lesson for Truth.  Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

People, me included, can make Christmas about a lot of things: expectations, money, parties, stuff, indulging, people, etc.  Christmas is about Christ.  It took me losing so much of our traditional things to reset my heart on Him.

Pushing through the gag reflex of how disgusting it was to clean out those boxes, I can honestly say I am glad it happened.  Bringing me back to the Truth of Christmas made me able to decorate alone and be okay with that because I am giving my family the gift of my time and service, being mindful to give thanks that I have a family to do this for.

We’ll, Lord willing, eventually get around to buying a tree, popping popcorn and watching Christmas movies, but they are no longer held to my expectations.  They will be gifts.

The Grench may have almost stolen our Christmas (literally and figuratively), but he didn’t.  What God allowed to be taken away, He replaced with fresh, beautiful peace and joy that nothing, not even those nasty little creatures, can take away.

And, God gave me a brand new vision for advent candles.  I am working on it, and when it’s finished I’ll post a picture.  I am so excited about this!

God is so good.  Life can be hard, and even gross at times, but God is merciful and He is always working in our best interest.  This whole season so far has been a blessing: The loss of Christmas treasures, me sick, heavy workloads and homework, the fact that our Santa-printed blanket doesn’t even cover all of us, the missing Christmas tree and having to wait to enjoy our family traditions.

All of these are blessings because they once again remind us that Christ didn’t come into a perfect world.  The perfect Christ came into our world.  He came to redeem.  Repair.  Replace. Restore.

Whatever your Christmas season looks like so far, be it the best or the worst, keep your eyes focused on Christ.  Circumstances are temperamental.   Emotions are conditional and opinions are fickle.  But, what Christ did for us, being 100% God and 100% man, never changes.  That alone is enough to light up, and lighten up, our holidays…and keep them holy.

Favorite Thanksgiving Moment

After a week full of Thanksgiving festivities, I am feeling quite bloated with great memories and good times.  Nuked leftovers cannot compare.  However, there is one moment that stands out as my all-time favorite.

I could tell you it was…

* Holding hands with my man while strolling through Rockefeller Center

* Playing games with the entire family clan

* The first snowflakes of the season dancing on our windshield

* Everyone gathering around to watch Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving

* Our trek to NYC and walking for hours upon hours despite foot surgery just 7 weeks ago

* Lots of laughs, smiles and hugs

* Enjoying my favorite pizza in the entire world – Lombardi’s!

* Going to church together

* Taking the traditional after-dinner walk with my kiddos and nephew

* Black Friday shopping with my sister-in-law who is one of my closest friends

* Cold turkey sandwich using only bread, turkey, mayo and pepper – don’t mess with a classic!

* Watching the kids ice skate

* Tucking in sleepy kids after a good day of playing

* Endless jokes!

* Going to a matinee with the whole crew – on a work/school day!

*  Traveling with my family of 5 plus the dog and a hedgehog.  Just being in the same place at the same time even if it’s stuck in a van from sun up to sundown.

* Watching how excited our dog gets to see that famous red chicken outline or those golden arches while traveling on the highway.  She gets grilled nuggets or a hamburger patty and loves to help with the drive-up window ordering.

* Saying grace before the Thanksgiving feast with everyone holding hands

* Admiring beautiful blue rocks the kids found in a nearby creek

* Having friends come over for Thanksgiving dessert to catch up

* Showing some family folks Pinterest for the first time!

* Long talks with everyone

* Football

* Macy’s Parade

* Not setting an alarm clock for an entire week

As much as all of these (and more) meant to me, there is one moment that will stay with me forever.  It was Thanksgiving morning and I had slept in a bit.  Sounds around the house told me I was one of the last to wake up.  I hustled through a shower and all that jazz – feeling like I needed to join everyone.  After all, the parade had already begun!

I knew my brother-in-law was preparing the turkey, bed-headed kids were sprawled on the floor playing games and adults were bustling about getting everything ready for a great day.

Feeling hurried to join in and help, I abruptly stopped.  One important step in my morning routine had been overlooked.  I had not said Good Morning to God.  Every morning I pray to God and tell Him I love Him.

I had packed my devotion, but honestly, with a house full of people and a calendar of fun to be had, it is difficult to squirrel away and have quiet time.  Nonetheless, I stopped and prayed and put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-19).

The clock was ticking, and because I overslept I felt like I needed to get moving.  But, I wanted to spend time with my Abba Father who gave me every reason to be thankful on Thanksgiving.  Torn between God, family and what I felt was my contribution to help out around the house, I literally stood frozen in the middle of the bedroom and didn’t know which way to turn.

In a quick moment, I turned, left the room and headed for the stairs.

As I walked toward the stairs, I felt a strong pull on my heart.  It was odd.  I took more steps toward the stairs, but with every one, I felt like I was pushing into a force that was stronger than me.  A hesitancy.  Lagging.  Drawing.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I was torn between being a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt…and child of the King.  I thought perhaps it was the guilt I felt for not spending longer with my God who deserves more.

Just as I stepped onto the top step, the morning sun brightly shining into my eyes, God spoke ever-so clearly.

He said, I love you, too.

My breath caught as I gripped the handrail.  In four words, He changed me.  In four words, He told me He understood.

Yes, God always deserves our best, our most.  We often fail to give that to Him.  I am guilty of putting others before Him, people-pleaser that I am.  Ug.  I get caught up in projects and deadlines and busyness.  Double ug.  But, this morning, it was my heart – not my head that was torn.

I wasn’t avoiding Him, hiding from Him, angry at Him or anything else that would keep me from staying with Him longer.  I just didn’t know how to be all to all and caved in thinking pleasing people was momentarily more pressing.

You know what God did?  He cut me some slack.  Gave me grace.  Met me where I was. He simply loved me.

An action we could apply to all of our relationships.

He read my mind and heard my heart.  He, God of the universe, time and space, turned His face toward me and spoke to me.  That was the draw.  His presence was almost tangible. That is what I sensed.  It was as though He stood on the step in front of me, gently placed His hand on my anxious heart, and made me stop to hear Him.  All that was missing was eye contact, and that I felt through the blazing sun shooting through the window.

It was a miraculous moment.  A private moment between the Almighty God and me. I was undeserving.  Lavished on.  Humbled.  Loved.

I love you, too played over and over in my heart for the rest of the day.  He knew I felt straddled between two worlds and instead of judging me – He joined me on the journey.

I will never forget the magnetism that drew me to Him on that stair.  The electricity of His presence.  How incredibly and deeply loved I felt.

This was my favorite moment of the whole week – and it will be one I carry with me for the rest of my life.

Thankful for it all

Have you ever felt so many things at once you don’t know how to feel?  That’s me tonight.  I am humbled beyond measure for my family who loves me.  I am forever grateful for friends who have become family to me.

Tonight, as family sat around the dinner table, I looked around and saw such beautiful people.  People that are in my life because my husband, 27 years ago, gave me the time when I asked.  Because of that moment, I sit with his family today, bloodline and in-law, and am in awe that I am here.

Not just in this moment with them, but in this place in life.  Loved.  Accepted.  Wanted – by people who have known me for decades and family who have only known me less than a year.

I miss my dad.  It’s the first Thanksgiving since he died, and I feel I am only beginning to come out of a daze that he is gone.  I will forever treasure my last conversation with him, when love finally overcame my stupid pride and I was able to tell him deep truth about us.  Maybe it was because he was physically unable to respond that made it easier to feel vulnerable and speak my mind.  Maybe it was because I knew we only had moments left together this side of heaven.  Either case, we made eye contact, real eye contact, for the first time ever.  I cried in front of him for the first time ever.  I touched his arm, with tubes coming out of many places in it, and was able to say goodbye.  I asked him to promise to do something in heaven for me – and he nodded his head yes.

I never got that opportunity with my mom.

As we watched our kids and cousins ice skate today, a little girl fell pretty hard on the ice.  Her mom quickly came to her rescue.  I said to my sister-in-law, Sometimes we all need our moms.  I felt the sting of loss prick my heart.  But as soon as I did, I felt the healing hand of God cover my heart with His palm until the pain subsided…again.

There is little I love more than sharing life with my family.  The holidays, the nothing days and every day in between.  I love hearing my kids laugh, watching my son and daughter walk arm in arm down the street, and enjoying warching my other son bust a move in the living room to Madden 2012’s music.

On the other hand, I can’t help but hear this giant clock ticking my head.  A countdown to when they will be grown and gone.  As much as I hate it, this clock taints even the best of moments.  Try as I might to ignore it and drown it out with today’s joys and blessings…the clock is there – counting down. Silly, I know, because we are not promised tomorrow – so why mourn something that hasn’t happened yet?  Ug.  I wish I had an answer.  Solution.  Resolution. Peace.

I have so many blessings for which to be thankful – and the whole picture tells the whole story.  I am thankful for wearing two running shoes that match.  Getting out of the boot and surgical shoe was such a relief!  But, had I not been in those awkward things would I still be thankful for matching shoes?

I am so thankful for my husband and children and extended family.  However, would I hold them so closely – never taking them for granted – if I had not ever known what it feels like to lose everyone in my life?

I am thankful for every sunrise, which holds a promise for a new day that God has granted, because I remember when I wished I would never wake up again.

I am thankful that I am going to bed miserably full from my family’s generous cooking, because I vividly remember what it felt like to be unsure of how I would find meals for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for friends who are not fair-weathered.  We are in this together for the long haul, because I definitely know what it feels like to be alone and am blessed God has joined our paths to journey life together.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for it all.  The good times and the bad, because it’s the low’s that make me that much more grateful for the high’s.  I am also thankful for the One who appoints all things.  God alone is sovereign, and He allows the difficult and blesses us with the easy.  With every step I traverse on this earth, I am acutely aware of how much I need Him.

Some may praise God in the good and curse Him in the bad, but I will worship Him in both.  Circumstances change, but God remains the same – faithful and on the throne.

I’m really glad a day is set aside to give thanks.  More than football, parades and feasts, it is a time for hearts to worship God, our Father.  I will worship with a full heart.  A grateful heart.  A thankful heart.  More than the bounty set at the table, I am thankful for the endless grace Christ bought for us with His own blood.

Whether I feel on top of the world or as if my heart if being torn in two, I can trust my Savior, rely on my God, and live the abundant life believers are called to.  This Thanksgiving will be a day of celebrating who God is and the eternal work Christ has done.  For that alone I will celebrate.  As for my family, friends, sunrises, improving health and endless blessings – my cup runneth over.

Philippians 4:12-13, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

For some, this is the best Thanksgiving you’ve ever had (like my family who is celebrating their first Thanksgiving with twins!).  For others, this is the worst (like my friends who just buried their teenage son and will spend this day without him).

I pray that in all circumstances, the strength of Christ will fill you and bless you; His grace will cover you; His peace will be with you; and His love will pour over your soul and spill over onto others.

Happy Thanksgiving!

~ Kristi