After taking two days to “fly away to the desert” as David wrote, my heart is heavy over something I want desperately to avoid.  Prayer, tears and good friends’ shoulders have gotten me this far, but time is ticking and I need to face things.

I’ve been speaking to groups for years.  However, recently I was asked to speak on a topic I am uncomfortable with.  Don’t ask me how, as it’s all a blur, but somehow I got through it.  Although, I feel I did a terrible job.  Every time I think about it, I want to run and lock myself in my room.  Well, I’ve almost gotten past that experience, mainly because I vowed I would never ever speak on it again.

Last week, a group of people, completely separate from the first, asked me to speak on the exact same subject!  Arg!  I tried to back-peddle my way out.  I tried to solicit others to step up to the plate to no avail.  I may have kept my composure on the outside, but inside I was throwing an absolute fit!

The subject matter is irrelevant to this post, because it’s more a problem with me.  The subject is fine.  I am not.  Why?  Because I wrestle with the issue at hand myself.  I am not a polished authority on this issue by any means!  In fact, my entire life I have been crippled by this issue.  Why, oh why, did God put me in this position?

I’ll be completely honest and share with you what I confided in my dear friends.  I feel like God has turned a blind eye to my issue with this issue.  I feel a little thrown under the bus.  Neglected.  Ignored.  It feels like life is playing a cruel joke on me by backing me in this corner.  I have been asked to speak to a group of women I have never met, in Europe, with a language barrier, on a topic that I just want to sit down and cry about.  This makes no sense to me.

Everyone has tender spots on their hearts.  Things they’d rather not discuss.  Parts of their lives they want to keep private.  This is mine.  Yet, I am being asked to stand up in front of people and go to the mat over this.  Ug.  My stomach turns and palms sweat.  It’s not the speaking…it’s the subject matter.

We all know what it is like to feel kicked when we are down.  Well, after a lifetime of wrestling this monster, then believing I totally failed in front of the first group of people, why in the world would God even consider me for this task again?  The exact same task!

When I lamented to my friends about this, some very raw feelings came out that I didn’t expect to say because I didn’t know they were in me until they spontaneously spilled out of my mouth.  I blurted out, You know, in every way in my life I want the redemption of Christ.  I want it for my spirit for eternal salvation, I want it for the forgiveness of my daily sins,  I desire re-dos in areas I have messed up.  BUT, this area?  I don’t want redemption.  I don’t want another second chance.  I know people sometimes feel like they’d give anything to rewind time and re-do, or be given another chance, but I don’t want it in this area.  I want the whole thing to just go away!  

Honestly, I’ve never said that before.  It made me so sad to hear myself reject God’s redemption.  Who am I to say any of that?  How dare I.  But, I did.  Does God still love me?  Yes.  Will He ever leave me?  No.  Can He handle such audacious words?  Yes.  Why?  Because He knows.

He knows that the reason I am running from His redemption in this area is because I feel both inadequate and sick of the whole thing.  I want it to go away and never be brought back up.  But, God also knows that in order to honor that wish, it would mean I am left broken in this area.  I amdit defeat.  I quit.  I have been overcome.

That’s not the way God rolls.  We, as believers, are overcomers.

This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. ~ 1 John 5:3-4

Greater is He in us than the enemy.

You, dear children,are from God and have overcome them,because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. ~ 1 John 4:4

My mind believes all of the lies the world and the enemy tells me.  I believe my own lies, too.  But, my heart yearns to be able to believe what God says about this.  Why can’t I trust Him?

I know, deep down, God keeps bringing me this so I can finally, once and for all, get past this issue.  My head and heart war against each other.  So, with time running out, who am I going to listen to?  God, the world, the enemy or myself?  Ug.

To answer that question, all I can do is go to Scripture for solid Truth.  John 10: 2-4…

The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 

He calls us by name.  Did you catch that?  We are all unique individuals, fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).  Yes, He knows all of our names and calls us to His heart.  He goes ahead of us that we may follow Him.  I will follow Him across the world and do as I have been asked.  But, Paul said it better than I ever could have dreamed of expressing my angst.  1 Corinthians 2:1-5

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power. 

I choose to trust God that He is, in fact, in control of this situation and is working out His perfect will in my life and in the lives I will speak to.  I will try my hardest to not look backwards, rather listen to His voice and follow where He leads.

One thing is for sure.  The glory will be all His for what He will do.  He’s moving me forward and requires I bring no baggage. Easier said than done.  But, with God all things are possible.  Even this task.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”  Mark 10:27

Okay, God.  Lead on…

One thought on “Really?

  1. Pingback: I Have to Tell You What Happened! | Real. Deep. Stuff.

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