Author Archives: Kristi

Respect: Cost versus benefit for parents and children

Yesterday we discussed respect and why children need to learn it.  Today, I want to touch on two main issues that can make or break respect – for children and adults.

Self-control and pride.

These are the muscles that either work for or against respect.  When we take away the drama of disrespect and peek underneath at what motivates someone to be disrespectful, typically there is a lack of self-control and an overload of pride.

Disrespect can be shown in any number of ways.  Anyone can do it.  It’s easy!  We just say what we feel with no filter on our mouths.  Or, we do what we feel like with no thought or concern of the repercussions to our actions.  Disrespect is easy.  It’s also very costly.  Once a word leaves our mouth, we can never ever retract it.  We can say we are sorry a hundred times, but it doesn’t make the word(s) disappear.  Sticks and stones – yeah, right.  We all know words hurt.  It’s why we use them against people-to hurt them.  Whoever first coined this phrase was spot on: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.  If everyone lived according to that the world would be a better place.

Disrespect can be shown in many ways without ever physically touching the other person.  Deliberate defiance, foot stomping, walking away, eyes rolling and rude body language screams disrespect without uttering a word or producing physical harm.  Oh, we are good.  We know exactly how to show disrespect if we want to.  After all, it comes naturally!  And for those who are closest to us, we know precisely the hottest buttons to push to show it.

When parents let a word from a child go here and there, they are in essence telling them what is acceptable behavior.  If the child says something out of line either by way of subject matter or foul language, and the parent turns a blind eye to disrespectful behavior, they have just told the child it is perfectly okay to say or do it.  A non-response is a response nonetheless.

Parents can, and should, only deal with so much at time.  Rome wasn’t built in a day, and if heavy subject matter is being addressed, it is ineffective to try to correct every single thing the child has done wrong right then and there.  But, it must be addressed at some point.  After conflict, parents just want peace and quiet in their homes, so who wants to dredge up more issues?  However, if the issue isn’t addressed, rest assured it will come up again and again.  And, every time it comes up, a precedent has been set that whatever the child has said or done is permissible.

Children remember.  They remember it was okay to say it, or do it, last time and they are thinking, So who’s the hypocrite now?  I could get away with it before and not this time?  Who’s the double standard now?

They are right.  One thing I often tell my tween and teens regarding peer pressure is this – you have to have already made up your mind how you will respond to a situation.  It’s far too much pressure to try to sort it all out in the heat of the moment.  You have to have already determined your boundaries, that way, when the moment of decision comes you can simply fall back on what you previously decided.

It’s much the same with parenting.  We have to have a plan.  We must have boundaries.  We must gather the courage to stick to them.  Waiting until something comes up in the middle of conflict to determine how you feel about it is not the time to debate within ourselves what we should do.  We should already know what we’re are going to do.  It takes a lot of pressure off of ourselves to simply follow through with our standard, rather than create one on the spot.

Additionally, standards created on the spot are not reliable.  Factors that affect said standard are: the offense committed by the child/teen, how angry the parent is, how volatile the conflict gets, the kind of day the parent has had (what Mom or Dad’s mood is going into the conflict), and likewise what kind of mood and day the child/teen has had.  All of those are centered around emotions, and emotions are fleeting and are extremely temperamental (pardon the pun).

Decisions about what a parent will allow the child/teen to say must be predetermined when there is no conflict and the parent is in control of himself or herself.  It is so much easier to parent with a plan, rather than make it up as we go.

(Tip – kids see right through a spontaneous plan, and they know how to use it against us.  I think they can smell it or see it or feel its vibe (just kidding), but they know us well enough to tell the difference when we are readily prepared and when we are winging it.)

Disrespect is a lack of self-control.  We just can’t help ourselves!  We know we are right, or even when we know we are wrong – we’re gonna be heard – and whatever it takes to make us feel heard, well, so be it.  Yikes.  This philosophy will land the growing child grounded and the adult child unemployed and most likely alone.

Self-control and pride.  When I think about these two character traits, I see with my mind’s eye, the silly image we’ve all seen before.  A person standing with a little angel that looks like the person on one shoulder and a little devil that looks like the person on the other shoulder.  They are both debating their point-of-view into the person’s ear.

Self-control is one of the hardest virtues!  A lack of it wages war against our better judgement, only sees the moment, and could care less about long-term effects of the situation.

Pride is truly the root, the seed, of a lack of self-control – which leads to disrespect.  We don’t want to admit we are wrong, and we certainly don’t want anyone to tell us we are wrong!  A heaping dose of pride inhibits us from letting the other person finish speaking, choosing not to slam the door, choosing not to jump in the car and drive off, choosing not to say something we will deeply regret later.

For children of all ages, they are trying to figure this all out.  They do not have the life experience of say, getting fired from a job for yelling at the boss, or having security come remove them from the classroom for refusing to participate.

They are in a season of life of testing boundaries.  It’s not necessarily always about how “bad” they are behaving.  Sometimes, whether they realize it or not, they are trying to find civilized boundaries.  When parents don’t teach them boundaries, how do kids know when to stop?  If parents don’t have a plan, and therefore are constantly moving the boundary lines, then unnecessary confusion is created and no one is going to come out of that successfully.

There once was a study done with a group of children.  They placed the children in a fenced-in yard with tons of fun things to do: swings, toys, slides, you know, fun stuff.  The kids had a blast!  They were as busy as ants at a picnic.  Then, they took the fence away, but left the toys.  The same group of kids meandered aimlessly around as if they were lost.  They didn’t play with the toys.  They just…wandered around.  Fascinating!  The conclusion was that when the fence was there, the kids knew they were free to do everything inside the fence.  When the fence was removed, the kids didn’t know what they could do because they didn’t know how far they could roam or what else around them was fair game to play with.

The same principle applies to parenting in regards to respect.  Parents must show children what is acceptable and what is not.  They must use the same fence every time.  Don’t move the fence around – that won’t help and will only confuse the child.

Is the child allowed to cuss at the parent?  Yes or no.  Is the child allowed to yell at the parent?  Yes or no. Is the child allowed to tell the parent to shut-up?  Yes or no.

Is the child allowed to storm off in an argument?  Yes or no.  Is the child allowed to slam doors, throw objects or turn away from the parent when being spoken to?  Yes or no.  Is the child allowed to roll their eyes or show other similar body language?  Yes or no.

These are the kinds of boundaries that need to be predetermined – preferably before the child is born, but it’s never too late to begin healthy, CONSISTENT boundaries.

Here’s a tough word…any of the above mentioned that the child/teen is permitted to do to parents, he or she will do the same things to their future boss and spouse.  How’s that going to work for them?  It won’t end well.  And, for parents who are still trying to be their child’s best friend in the growing years, allowing the child/teen to get away with these things through rationalizing or justifying in the parent’s mind (oh, they’ve had a bad day, they’ve had a hard life, etc.) is going to result in the child resenting the parent.  Why? Because the parent, in either spoken or unspoken terms, told the child it was okay to behave like this, but when the grown child tries to pull this stuff on the world, he or she will quickly find out the hard way the world won’t tolerate it and there is a price to be paid for such behavior.  The grown child will, in essence, be baffled as to why the parent didn’t warn them.  Why did the parent lead them on in something that is not reality?  Why didn’t the parent better prepare the child for the real world?  What will the parent say then?

Self-control, pride and respect are a threesome that cannot be separated.  A parent cannot deal with one without knowing the other two are in cahoots with it.  Again, a moment of conflict is probably not the best time to address every single last issue.  The child is not in a position to hear and process all that at once.  But, when tempers have cooled down and everyone is thinking clearly and in a receptive mood to listen, boundaries must be reaffirmed and appropriate consequences given for breaking through the fence.

We are not born knowing boundaries.  We are born trying to buck them.  Take advantage of the little amount of time we have to set up our children for a successful future.  It may mean rough waters for now, but the end result is a healthy family who knows their rules and children know their place.  The end result will, hopefully, be mature, respectful children who will esteem their parent for better preparing them for the real world.

Bottom line – a parent will count the cost for how they parent now or later.  The parent must choose whether to work through the rough spots now, even though they are tired, have hard jobs, have hard marriages, or feel too inadequate to effectively parent, or the parent can choose to turn a blind eye, remove the fence for the sake of a moment of peace and not invest in a plan, but wind up with a grown child who has trouble with work and relationships – including with the parent.

We must decide today – today – how we will parent.  There are many great books about parenting available.  Invest now and enjoy the payoff later.

<<Check out a great book recommendation on my Books page!>>

What’s the big deal about teaching children respect?

Exodus 20:12, Honor your father and your mother…

Scenario #1 – As I sat on the football field this weekend watching my youngest’s team play football, I noticed an interaction between another mother and son.  It was something I’ve seen happen many times.  Too many.

It’s halftime, and Mom notices her tween son might be thirsty, so she jumps up and begins walking toward her son with a bottle of Gatorade.  He meets her more than halfway and, in front of all of the other parents of both teams, he chastises her to stay off of the field.  She quickly submits to his request and retreats off of the field with subservient speed.

As she holds out the Gatorade and tells him she thought he might be thirsty, he snaps, Where’s my water.  I wanted water.

Oh, your dad is supposed to bring that but he isn’t here yet, she says smiling.

I wanted water, he demands.

Okay.  I’m sure he’ll be here soon.  Would you like some Gatorade for now? she asks, looking longingly at him.

Pfft, he said with obvious disapproval.  He snatched the bottle out of her hand and walked away.

Have fun! she called to him as she sheepishly smiled at the parents sitting nearby and took her seat.

I wanted to say to him, Go thank you mother.  You never said, please, or thanks for the Gatorade, or I appreciate it.  Nothing.  Zippo.  It was the same attitude of entitlement and disrespect that is so common no one bats an eye anymore.

Whose fault is it?  Parent or child?  My opinion is that it’s both – at least at this age.  What happened to a society where children honored their fathers and mothers?  Where bare-bones politeness was common courtesy.  Where parents received respect for the little and big things they did for their children.

Okay.  Pause.  I am not addressing abusive or neglectful parents. I am not talking about dysfunctional homes (though many are in some manner) or anything that needs professional help.  I’m talking about every day moments in life when who the person really is on the inside shows on the outside.

Scenario #2 – I was at the dentist office waiting for my child’s checkup to finish.  It’s a very kid-friendly place and has all kinds of things to do to keep little ones entertained while older siblings have their appointment.  A little girl, no older than four, quietly played with the office’s toys.  Mom and Dad watched nearby.  It was time to go back to see the older sibling, and so the dad asked his young daughter to pick up the toys she had taken out.  She just stood there and stared at him.  Then ignored him.  He repeated his request.  This time she said, No.  He asked her a third time, and she simply turned around and walked away with the mom and left Dad and the toys behind.

I was very curious how he would respond and held my breath as he stood there looking at the mess she had made.  I said (to him) to myself, Don’t do it.  Don’t do it.  Then…he did it.  With drooping shoulders, and donning not an ounce of dignity, he began picking up the toys for her.  He picked up every last toy, in front of a full room of women, and then disappeared into the hall to find his family.

My children learned something interesting in school.  In early America, children did not eat with their parents.  Not only that, they were not allowed to talk during dinner.  Not only that, they waited on their parents while the parents ate.  Not only that, the children stood and ate, they didn’t even get a seat when it was their turn.  This was our country once upon a time.

Now for me, that seems extreme.  On the contrary, my family loves our family dinners – something we make a priority in our home.  I’m not suggesting we take away our children’s seats and forbid them to speak, but how in the world did we get from there to here where kids sit at the proverbial head-of-the-table and parents ask their permission to speak?  This blog is far too short to answer that question.  Much research has gone into family roles & dynamics, American history and the changes it’s seen and how that affects the individual.  It’s a black hole of information, unfortunately, because although we clearly see patterns of a downward spiral in our society in regards to respect, manners, and courtesy, few seem to want to do anything about it!

Why do parents allow their children to captain the ship? Rule the roost? What good do they think will come from it?  Oh, I know.  They will gain their child’s respect and friendship.  Um.  Bad news…that philosophy won’t work.  And, shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Why do parents need their children’s approval on their job as a parent?

Who is the leader of the family?

Why are parents afraid to parent?

Why are they afraid of their children? (children who abuse their parents notwithstanding)

When did parents relinquish their power and surrender authority to their children?

How do they think this will ever help the child as an adult?  I have so many questions.

We are all born selfish.  It’s our human nature.  But, unless we are going to live in solitary confinement on a deserted island, we have to act as a society, and family is the cornerstone to any society.  It is the parent’s job to set boundaries and rules for their kids (and follow through on them).  But, kids who are at the age of accountability to accept the appropriate consequences of their behavior must answer for themselves.

When I look at families where the child has the parent wrapped around their little finger at age 7, 9, and 11, I think what fun that house will be when hormones rage in the teen years.  The battles parents and kids have now when they are young, battles where the parents ultimately give in to whatever the topic du jour is, will be more fierce, more intense and create more problems in the teen years than young parents can ever imagine.

Godly authority exercised by the parent, and godly respect given by the children, is how families were divinely designed.  The precious gift of mutual friendship comes later when the children are no longer children and are no longer under the authority of the parents.

Until then, it’s not an even playing field.  Children don’t have equal say, equal voice, in a matter.  It’s not their job because they aren’t qualified for the job as an adult at their ripe, young age.

Some reasons parents cave is because they are either: too tired, too frustrated, too weak, too afraid, have no parenting plan, don’t care, or have become stuck in an unhealthy pattern with their children like a fly stuck to flypaper.

One thing I remind myself of when we address respect in our home is this – how my child treats me now is how they will treat me when I am old.  In other words, how I allow my child to treat me now, is how they are naturally going to relationship with me when I am old and need their help.  It’s something to think about.

Kids who are allowed to say anything, do anything, to their parents will be adults who could care less about their aging parents’ needs.  After all, life is all about them, and that’s the way it’s always been for them…so why is the parent shocked decades later when the grown child shows no concern for them?

I have personally witnessed a boy hit his mother in the head when she said No to something he wanted.  She gave in.  What will happen when he is bigger and stronger than her and she says No again – and maybe means it this time?

The formula is simple: selfish child = selfish adult; demanding child = demanding adult; bossy, disrespectful child = bossy, disrespectful adult.  How will that fair for them in the workplace? In marriage?  In friendships when Mom no longer arranges the play dates?

What I see is parents want to skip the teaching, training, and tough love and jump right to the parent/adult child friendship.  This plan will fail.

Scenario #3 – My friend told me that once she, her kids and her adult sister were in a store in the checkout line.  My friend’s daughter (very young at the time) wanted something from the impulse aisle.  My friend said, No.  Her daughter proceeded to throw the biggest tantrum ever.  Resolving to not give in, my friend looked at her visiting sister and said, Can you handle it?  Her sister replied, Yep.  Well, okay, then, my friend said.  And they stood there ignoring the tantrum that had caught everyone’s attention. They were resolute, and guess what?  The daughter wasn’t permanently scarred!  Actually, she grew a little more as a person that day, and she is a very lovely young lady today.

Perhaps maintaining an image is why parents cave.  What will people think of me if my toddler screams their head off over me not buying this toy they want?  I can tell you what some are thinking, Been there.  Done that.  Stay strong.  I’d much rather see a little child throw an obnoxious fit over not getting a toy, then an obnoxious adult throwing a fit over anything!

If parents are hoping that some shift in respectful maturity will magically happen between childhood and adulthood without intentional training, they will be sorely disappointed.  Maturity eventually happens, most of the time, but that doesn’t guarantee a respectful adult.  Just look at the statistics in our country from crime to divorce to prescription drug use to alcohol abuse and so on.  Look at the television shows that are “supposed” to have a pulse on the heartbeat of America.  I’ve never seen so many disrespectful people on the small screen – from mouthy children on kids shows to R-rated reality adult shows.  Really?  This is a portrait of us?

Parenting, especially parenting in the early years, is like the game Risk.  There must be a strategy.  There must be intentional moves on the parent’s part.  There must be a goal to work towards.  There must be diligent work on the parent’s part.

No one said parenting was easy, and we need to put our big girl panties on and accept it.

Laying a foundation of who’s in charge and how things will role will pay off later.  I remember once on a bad day of behavior in our home, I looked my children in the eye and said, I’ll do the hard thing, every time, because it’s the right thing.  Even if that means Mom needs a time out first.  In the moment, it is extremely easy to take the quick way out and give in to the demands of kids.  It’s so understandable that Mom or Dad has had a long day and they are tired.  I completely empathize with being physically, mentally and emotionally drained.  But, losing small battles leads up to losing the war.  No, we don’t want to be at war with our children, but our carnal natures sure are.  It’s how we are wired.  One will win.  One will lose.  Which will it be?

Even the Apostle Paul, a full-grown adult, couldn’t understand it.  His words are some of the most confusing in the Bible…

Romans 7: 14-21

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

Whew.  If even he struggled with how to behave and what to do, a former flawless Pharisee and completely committed ambassador for Christ, then how confused must children be, who have much less life experience, to understand about how to live?

I love my children with all my heart.  And because of this, I love them enough to do the hard thing (i.e., calling them out every single time disrespect rears its ugly head – which is rare, by the way, because my husband and I have set the foundation mention above) in order to keep peace in our home and to set them up for success now and as they grow.  Teachers won’t tolerate rude students.  Employers won’t tolerate disrespectful employees.  In this economy there are ten people lined up waiting for that job!  In a marriage – well – just look at the divorce rates.  They speak for themselves.

Allowing disrespect by way of physical or verbal communication stunts children’s emotional growth. Eventually, if parents want their children to be employable and marriable, children have to learn respect – and this begins at home.

Teaching them this truth now will save them much heartache later.  It may also save their marriage, their job and their friendships.  And, it may give parents what they hope for one day – a healthy friendship with their adult child.  In moments of conflict, think long-term goals.  Parenting is not a sprint.  It’s a marathon.  A strong finish is possible.  Don’t give in or give up.  Your children are counting on you to show them the way – even if they don’t act like it or say it.  Run strong. Lead the way.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

So glad to cross the finish line of this week’s amazing race!  How about you?

Our family accomplished some tough goals this week and are stronger for it. Praise God!  Now we’re ready to simply enjoy the Sabbath – the day of rest blessed by God.

Here is Scripture to help all of us embrace the fullness of what we at RealDeepStuff like to call “Selah Day,”

Psalm 46:10 – Be still and know that I am God…

Can’t wait to meet back here tomorrow.  Now go rest! 🙂

~ Kristi

Culinary Quest #3 – Lemon Orzo Salad

Dean & Deluca is one of my all-time favorite eateries.  They have incredible food – good food that’s good for you.  I love to treat my family, friends and myself there, however, I don’t always have the time nor the budget that comes with shopping and eating at this upscale joint (as much as I wish I could!). So, in order to enjoy the same great tastes at home, I began creating my own version of their dishes.

Once I nailed the lemon vinaigrette, I found it is a wonderful base for many dishes.  Sometimes we want a savory dressing without too many herbs because they can easily overpower the salad ingredients. This vinaigrette is light and flavorful, not too strong, and with just the right amount of zest.

Today we’re serving up…

Lemon Orzo Salad

(Serves 8)

16oz       orzo pasta – cooked al dente in salted water *do not overcook *

1             red pepper; finely diced

1/2 -1c   medium red onion; finely diced

1c           spinach leaves or field greens; chopped (measured after chopped)

1 1/2c    feta cheese; cubed

½-3/4c   Kalamata olives; pitted & finely diced (to taste)

Lemon vinaigrette (see below)

Directions:

While orzo is cooking, make the vinaigrette in a bowl or a bottle with a lid. Mix/shake vinaigrette until sugar is dissolved.

Drain orzo, then while it is hot (this is important!!) toss with the vinaigrette in a mixing bowl so the pasta soaks up the liquid while it cools. (It also avoids the vinaigrette pooling at the bottom of the bowl.) Toss every now and then to make sure liquid is evenly absorbing into the orzo.

Once the orzo has cooled to room temperature, mix in remaining ingredients. Cover and refrigerate until well chilled. Toss again before serving.

Lemon Vinaigrette

1/3c   plain rice vinegar

1/2c   fresh squeezed lemon juice

1/3c   canola oil

1/4c   granular sugar

1/2t   salt

Enjoy it as an entree or side dish.  It’s a great way to beat the summer heat! ~ Kristi

Torn in two

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. ~ Micah 6:8

I was picking up the house recently when something stopped me dead in my tracks.  Literally, I took one step forward and froze.  Looking down at our coffee table, I saw some mailers that have sat for over a week.  Each one was complimentary and was delivered to my home – ironically arriving within a day of each other.  When they arrived, I placed them on my coffee table like I do with current mailers and never gave it another thought.

This time, my heart skipped a beat as I gazed, with fresh eyes, at the dichotomy of these things. See for yourself…

Do you see what I see?  Contradiction.  Two worlds clashing.

Both of those reflect me, and I am frustrated!  On one hand, my heart is passionate for all people and want no one to suffer.  I want everyone to know the love of Jesus and have all of their needs met; for everyone to realize their goals and dreams; and for peace and provisions worldwide.

On the other hand, I get stuck in what I know as normal.  I like Restoration Hardware (though I can’t afford most of what they sell).  I like their style, ideas, and clean lines.  It’s not just Restoration Hardware, but this is the mailer that happened to be sent at the same time as PrayerPoint.  I’m not picking on it, but I am confused with where it all stands with me.

I think I’ve spent my life like most people in America.  I have not been blind to the world around me, but honestly, it didn’t directly affect my daily 24/7.  The needs and injustices of this world have always made me want to help, and we do what we can, but within the longitutde and latitude of my life in America, there is a whole different normal.

I’m not saying there is not hardship and suffering here. There is. But, comparatively, we do not live in a war-torn land; we have freedom of speech & religion; we have basic things like paved roads, clean water and electricity;  we have sanitation systems that keep infection and disease down; we have laws (albeit not perfect!) against child labor, for safe working conditions, to monitor sanitation levels in restaurants, hospitals, etc.; truancy laws to keep kids in school; laws against child abuse, parent abuse and spousal abuse; and we have legal rights in the justice system.  Take away the tangible things and America is still, by far, a very rich place in which to live.

Most people in the world have far fewer rights and protections and live on $1 or less per day.  26,000 people, including children, die every day from preventable diseases and illnesses.  The rate of human trafficking, starvation, drought and political conflict is mind-boggling.  Does it affect where my kids go to school?  Where I buy my groceries? Where I go to church? I must admit, for many years I kept the two dichotomies separated.  We help locally and globally, but my daily grind did not know the physical hardships of most people in the world.

In the last few years, however, God has awoken me from a hazy sleep.  He broadened my narrow vision in a whole new way.  With the organizations we volunteer for, God has given us more work and responsibilities.  With our church, God has given us more opportunities to serve.

It’s a whole different story to know orphans that I call by name and pray for every day.  Whose faces are on the walls of my daughter’s bedroom and who are smiling at me every time I close my eyes wondering how they are doing in Kenya.  Children we’ve met, played with and held.  Teens who have dreams and hopes and goals, but little to no help to achieve them.

No one is less important than anyone else, but “here” and “there” have felt light years apart for years.

I’ve always been a huge advocate for water conservation because I grew up in an area where there was a constant threat of drought.  I try to do my part by taking very short showers; turning off the water when brushing my teeth; dumping boiled vegetable water on my outdoor potted plants; watering indoor plants with leftover cups of water; using large shade trees to cool the grass instead of a sprinkler system; and using water-saving car washes (only when truly needed) versus the hose water running down the gutter.  Very little water goes to waste in our house.  Even still, I feel so guilty for using any of it because I saw the miles people walk, barefoot and carrying plastic jugs, to fetch their daily water supply.  The water I wash my dishes with is far cleaner than the only water many people have to drink.

And, we have a house.  It’s not the biggest, it’s not the smallest.  We do, however, use every square inch of it – none of it wasted space.  One could look at the daily messes in it to know that it is true!  But, how many people in the world have a house?  Not many.   Every night when we say prayers with the kids, we thank God for a bed to sleep in and a roof over our heads.  But, we also pray for those who don’t have such luxuries.

That’s my point.  Why do some people call them luxuries and some call it a normal standard of living?  It’s all what we’re used to.

My life has been used to one way of living.  My heart has always known better.  As I experience more of this planet, the gap between the two dichotomies is only growing wider and it’s tearing me in two.

How do I enjoy things like flipping through a Restoration Hardware catalog and dreaming of the what-ifs, while I know children are dying because they don’t have simple vaccines or enough food to survive?

How do I serve those who need help, but still be thankful for what God has blessed me with like a full belly, shoes on my feet, and a home with doors to lock and a van to drive?

I can’t figure this out.  Part of me wants to sell everything and move to a faraway land.  Part of me feels called to stay put and continue the ministries that we do stateside that help people all over the world because of the resources we have here.

The summer before God called our family to short-term mission, we put a pool in the backyard of our home that we’ve lived in for 15 years.  It’s not a huge pool, but it fits the size of our motley crew.  We saved for a very, very long time and made sacrifices in other areas to make it happen.  It has been a great tool to strengthen our family time, and we love to have extended family and friends over to enjoy it with us.   But, the next summer we surprisingly found ourselves in Africa, and this summer we are preparing for another mission to a different part of the world, and my husband and I wonder if we did the right thing with the pool.  We are deeply thankful God allowed us to save the money to do it, but I also now know a lot better now how far that money could go to help people simply survive.  If we had the same choice to make all over again, would we build it?  And is this a contradiction to my water conservation awareness?

Ug.

I may never find a balance within my heart with these two parts of me.  The world itself is not balanced.  It does bother me, however, to not even notice the two vastly different mailers sitting right next to each other on my coffee table as if they were equal reading.  They are not.

One thing I can do is this:

  • Continue to teach my children the difference between need and want (Matthew 6: 25-33)
  • Teach them the value of serving others (Matthew 20:26-28)
  • Teach them to consider others more highly than they consider themselves (Philippians 2:3)
  • Teach them not to be afraid of hard work (2 Thessalonians 3:7-12)
  • Teach them to be grateful for what they have, not to have too much of it, and be willing to share it (Philippians 3:12-13; Acts 2:44-45)
  • Teach them the value of money and its proper place in our lives (1 Timothy 6:6-10)
  • Teach them to tithe (Leviticus 27:30; Matthew 22:21)
  • Teach them to work as unto the Lord and not for the glory of people or ourselves (Ephesians 6:7-8; Colossians 3:23-24)
  • Talk with them about ways they can use their gifts and talents to make a difference in this world (Ephesians 2:10)
  • Talk with them about what lasts in this world – and what doesn’t (Matthew 6:19-21)
  • Talk with them about love and who deserves our whole heart (Deuteronomy 6:5)
  • Encourage them to always look for good to do…and do it (1 Timothy 6:18)
  • Example all of this in my own life first.

Children truly imitate their parents – for better or worse.  If we want to play a role in helping this world survive for generations to come, change needs to begin with us.

Decades ago, my mom clipped a poem by Charles Kingsley and pinned it to our kitchen corkboard.  This little piece of paper is one of the only (and most beloved) treasures I have left from losing everything in catastrophic loss when I was a teen.  Below is a scan of the original.

Every time I try to wrap my head around the dichotomy of my world and the world, I end up with more questions than answers.  Returning from Africa, I feel like I have no home.  Like I told a friend, I’m not comfortable living in this society because we have so much, but I’m not sure I could handle living there with its unrelenting hardships.

I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.

I think that’s exactly where God wants our hearts.  As Christians, we are citizens of another world.  A world our eyes cannot see, but one our hearts are drawn to.  This isn’t where we belong.  It shouldn’t be comfortable.  Pardon the double negative, but it shouldn’t be a place that we wouldn’t want to leave if the Lord called us home.

John 18:36 – Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place.” 

Philippians 3:20-21 –  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

1 Peter 2:11 – Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul.

I can relate as someone who finds herself a nomad at heart, a stranger passing through this life.

God wants us to enjoy His gift of life, to enjoy the tangible and intangible blessings of life, and be thankful for what He has given us (not which was attained by selfish desire).  But, He never meant for us to keep it all to ourselves.  I’m not only referring to money and physical resources, He also wants us to share our time, talents and energy; our love, friendship and humor; everything that makes us unique that He inspired in us for His purposes.  Most of all, He wants us to share the good news of salvation in Jesus Christ, the free gift of eternal life that the world cannot take away.

As the world economy and our American economy both feel the tremble of emerging fault lines beneath our feet, serious thought and prayer need to play a major part in how we spend every dollar and donate every hour of our time & resources.  Time is short.  Life is precious.  God help us.

Chicks in my nest

Yesterday was a good day.  A busy day.  A day especially fulfilling as a mom.  We’ve had a lot going on (like most people) and I’ve felt quite pulled in many directions.  However, I got to check some important boxes on my “mom list.”  I got the laundry caught up, took care of some things at home, and was out most of the day shopping for basic needs. We are blessed to live where food is available. I never take that for granted – especially after having been to Africa last year.  Some things in life seem so unfair, and so I try to be a good steward of our money and what it buys.

I love cooking and baking.  There is something gratifying about starting with nothing and ending up with a creation that makes others happy and satisfied.  We’ve been pantry-pullin’ (meaning eating out of the freezer, pantry and fridge) for quite some time to stretch the budget and eat what we already have.  But, there comes a point when a restock is necessary.  This was yesterday.  I asked my family what they would like and I made a list.

First, I went to one superstore to get the dry stuff.  After running carpool, going to the post office, etc. I made another trip to my local grocer to get the fresh stuff.  Both were long trips and I was ready to be done (but thankful I could do it in the first place).

As the kids and I unloaded the van and were putting the food away together, my daughter called me to the backyard.  We’ve been tracking the progress of a Robin’s nest for a while now.  The babies finally hatched (featured in yesterday’s post) and they are growing more restless by the day.  Their routine has been: sit quietly for a while, then frantically call for their mom who comes swooping in with a huge worm clutched in her beak.  She hoovers in the air, wings rapidly flailing, while she gives each baby bird part of the worm.  Then, in an instant, she flies off in search for more.  She’s extremely shy, and no matter how many times I quietly race out there with my camera, she’s gone in a flash.

In the middle of unloading everything, my daughter called to me that Mamma is back again with yet another worm to settle their veracious appetites.  I got there just in time to see her in action.  She was so quick, I couldn’t even focus my lens before she vanished.  But, for a brief moment, I watched her do her thing.  It touched me in a special way.  I stood silently and watched those babies rustle their feathers and squirm about in the nest.  They won’t be there much longer.  One baby hopped up onto the side of the nest and peered over the edge several times out of curiosity.

It was then I made the connection to Mamma Robin.  She and I, oddly, live similar lives.  She built a strong nest to hatch her babies.  The walls are unusally high, and even on the top step of a ladder (yeah, I know, what was I thinking!) I still could not see into the nest.  Indeed, she built a humble home for her little ones up under the roof of the house to protect them from the hawks that are common here.  She sat with them while they were very young, and now spends most of her time and energy caring for their needs.

Oh how I can relate!  Ironically, her flying to and fro made me chuckle as I had done the exact same thing yesterday, except I drove from store-to-store.

All three birds comfy and cozy yesterday.

Baby Robin #1 left home yesterday afternoon…and landed right into our pool.  My daughter didn’t hesitate to jump in after it.

It’s so scared!  But it’ll be fine.  It’s in good hands (literally!)

Wet, but safe!  It shakes off the water, as well as the whole experience, and runs under a bush.

Yesterday, two were left.

We can tell #2 is getting ready to leave by the way it paces and hops around.

<<Baby Robin #2 left sometime last night or early this morning.>>  We were excited to see her hopping around this morning.

The elusive mamma captured in a rare (albeit fuzzy) photo.

Baby Robin #3 is the only one left this morning.

While writing this post this morning, my kids called to me to come quickly.  I arrived just in time to see #3.  After perching on the edge and pacing back and forth, he finally gathered the courage and took flight.

Oops!  Trying to learn to fly, he landed in the pool, just like Baby #1.  My daughter rescued him as well.  Here is is wet and flustered.

The empty nest.

My mom’s heartstrings pulled as I gazed at this quiet nest.  For many days it was a time of anticipation and excitement.  The eggs hatched, and three adorable babies entered the world.  They grew a little each day.  Mamma Robin faithfully attended their needs.  They began to wriggle around in the nest, jockeying for position to receive the most food.  They discovered there is an edge to the nest.  And beyond the edge, there is something mysterious – a ledge of sorts.  On that ledge, they are able to see down to the ground and out into the horizon.  They curiously looked around, rustling their feathers and boasting their chests.  Mamma bird called and they jumped back into the nest.  There she found them waiting for another meal.  She left to hunt again, and they hopped back out onto the ledge, each time with a little more boldness and courage than the time before.

Then it happened.  The first one flew away.  The second one flew away.  The third one flew away.  The nest is quiet.  Mamma’s job tending the nest is finished.  She follows them on the ground for a while, still bringing them food, but no longer do they fly back to the safety of the nest.  They are on their own.  This is, indeed, the story of our children.

What seemed like forever waiting for these baby chicks to grow into cute, fuzzy birds, is now a mere memory recorded in pictures.

In my family, I have one chick perched on the edge, one rustling her feathers, and one pretty comfortable snuggled in the nest.  I can provide.  I can watch over them.  I can tend the nest.  But, I cannot stop time and nature from taking its course.

A bird can only appreciate her job so much.  She is, after all, a bird.  But, we are made differently.  We are made in the image of God – with thoughts, feelings and responses.  We have the ability to embrace the task of mothering that God has given us and do it to the best of our abilities.  I never once heard Mamma Robin squawking and complaining to the other mammas about her job.  I never saw her make the babies feel guilty for having needs.  We can learn a lot from this mamma.  Do we take our jobs to heart and show our gratitude for the blessing of our children?  Do we enjoy the time we have with them or wish it would hurry up and end?

I once overheard a mother in a store talking to a friend.  The mother’s middle school daughter was standing right beside her when the mother said, with great enthusiasm, “Yes!  I just have a few more years and then I am FREE!  I won’t have any of this anymore and I will be FREE!”  Oh how my heart broke for that beautiful young lady who stood there with her shoulders down and face to the ground.  That was several years ago.  I wonder how that mom is enjoying her freedom now, because I can’t imagine the daughter ever wanting to revisit her nest.

It’s a cliche, but time is short.  Make the most of it.  Most mothers wanted their children when they had them.  Do we truly act like it?  These are harsh words, but it’s the raw reality that in a self-centered society such as ours, the kingdom of mothers can quickly turn into a whiny parade of women who can’t let life be about anyone but themselves.

Our children will grow up and fly with or without us.  We have the responsibility to provide for their needs.  But, we have also been given the privilege to enjoy the journey along the way.  I lost my mom when I was 16.  I know time is short.  None of us know how long we have on this earth.  But, you have today.  I encourage you to enjoy it.  Enjoy tending the nest.  Enjoy providing.  Enjoy protecting.  Enjoy your children – while they are still children. And be thankful.

Deep in the garden…

It’s always an amazing sight when winter gives way to spring. All kinds of activity begins to pop up in our backyard! I thought I’d share some highlights. Like fishermen and their stories of the one that got away, I can’t seem to catch the super fast chipmunks! They are so cute, but quick! If I ever capture one on camera, I’ll share it in Deep in The Garden II.

One of the best things about all of the hullabaloo going on back there is the friends that share our passion. The kids love to romp and stomp and explore. Our friends have a family of foxes living under their shed that we hope to see before the pups grow up. It’s just so fun to watch the children appreciate God’s creation. I hope they never outgrow a love for nature.  I haven’t!

He thought he fooled us hiding on the green leaves. Nope – we spotted him!  Gotcha!

One of my all-time favorite flowers. Wish they bloomed year round!

This little bunny eats our weeds – yeah! But, she also eats our strawberries and some flowers. Hopefully the blackberries are out of reach.

These baby Robins are so cute! Their mama takes great care of them constantly flying to and from with lots of juicy worms.

A creative way to experience an earth worm. No worms were harmed in the making of this photo 🙂

A good rain is a welcome friend to any garden.

Meet Big Bull. He is a huge green frog that has taken up residence in our small pond. He cracks us up! All day he sits with his head peeking out croaking and calling and strutting his bad little stuff. Then, the minute we get even remotely close, his chicken self comes out and he dives into the water. It took me many tries to get this photo. A zoom lens did the trick, finally.

This little friend was relaxing under grey clouds and a cool breeze. It wasn’t afraid of us at all!  Beautiful.

Baby Robins!

Can’t enough juicy worms!

Okay, overlook the gross factor and this is pretty cool. I captured a snail laying eggs on the pond pump. We don’t see that every day!

The little booger!

Meet Percy and Mr. Toady. They were indoor pets until we couldn’t keep up with their huge appetites! Once, we had a cricket fiasco where a fresh batch got loose in the house. Oh my! They are a local species, so we set them free in our pond and they’ve been there ever since – and much happier being free I’m sure.

I got a little creative with the praying mantis hanging around one day.

A nest of Robin’s eggs

I look forward to these blooming every year

Trying my hand at growing tulips

An inchworm, affectionately named “Inchy” that the kids caught on camera.  Just cruisin’ along doing its thing.

Have a great day discovering God’s mysteries!

Is change really possible?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~ Isaiah 55:8-9

Today, I write with a full heart. A heart of overwhelming gratefulness for what God has done. I had an opportunity recently to be vividly reminded of a particular situation several years ago. As my memory was refreshed, the pain, sorrow, frustration and anxiety all came rushing back like a powerful tsunami sweeping over me. My physical heart felt physical pain over this issue by the mere mention of its memories.

Before I could drown in those horrible feelings, God swooped in and reminded me of all He has done through the situation to bring entirely different result.

If there was to be a positive result of any kind, His ways demanded open minds, strong hearts and radical change. How does one find the energy to participate in something so far off our normal path? Aren’t we already exhausted from daily life plus dealing with the issue at hand?

We could have simply sat down on the path and admitted defeat; or we could have turned and gone in our own direction out of anger; or we could have become frozen in a state of indecisiveness. This particular journey could have easily had any of those outcomes. In fact, I had moments of all of those on the path God was leading. Thankfully, He carefully drew me back each time, setting my feet on sure ground when they began to slip.

My question today is, do we really believe something that is uncertain & scary can be tamed to be something beautiful and beneficial in our lives? Do we believe change is really possible? After all, change is the most stubborn thing I know.

The answer to a problem isn’t that we pretend the problem never existed. But, wouldn’t that be great? Like a fairy godmother, a magic wand is waved and-poof!-the issue never happened. However, we don’t live in a land far, far away with stone castles and dense, towering forests. Nope. That ain’t reality – though most days I wish it were.

Daily, we are confronted with the problems, and the after math of them, that a broken world suffers under with every sunrise and sunset. Is there a possible happily-ever-after in this troubled world? In this lifetime, all we have to work with is the here-and-now. But, this doesn’t have to mean a life of defeat and frustration.

We can experience immense joy smack dab in the middle of what life throws at us. Our hope is in Christ.  Everything here is temporary. Our hope is fixed on Christ who is eternal. He came to give us abundant life both now and in our happily-ever-after in the next life. This isn’t prosperity gospel, because frankly, Jesus promised us we would have problems. Like Sarah Young said in her devotional, Jesus Calling, “When things seem all wrong, trust God anyway. God is much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes our way.”

God doesn’t take sadistic pleasure in our suffering. However, He knows that there is growth in conflict.  Romans 5:3-5 tells us, “…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” With that, God has given us Scripture to encourage us along the journey.

Here are a few:

* Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17
* (Jesus said) “…Everything is possible for him who believes.” ~ Mark 9:23
* But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  ~ 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

* And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. ~ Hebrew 11:32-34

* (Jesus) must become greater; I must become less. ~ John 3:30

* But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

* (God speaking) My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them.  ~ Jeremiah 24:6

* …They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. ~ Isaiah 61:3

* This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls… ~ Jeremiah 6:16

* “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~ Matthew 11:28-30

* …The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him. ~ Psalm 34:22

*Matthew 5:3-12

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

We cannot lose heart. When I stand back and look at the amazing work God has done to redeem this situation, I can only stand in awe and know it was He who did it. Yes, it has taken a lot of hard work, courage I didn’t know I had, and a relentless pursuing of the impossible on my part. All of it. All of it was worth it.

This is what I am learning: give God room to work. He can make something from nothing. He’s strong enough, brave enough and smart enough to use whatever our life holds for His glory and our good. Isaiah 55:10-11, “As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

I stand amazed at how much progress has been made in this particular area. Truly, a beautiful planting for the display of His resplendent magnificence. I am so grateful that God never gives up on us. I take refuge that His ways are higher than ours. There is peace in knowing He knows it all. Sometimes, it’s good to look back and see just how far our journey has traveled. I can see the mountaintop-highs, valley-lows and never-ending plateaus of the in between that have brought us this far. His hand guiding every step. His hand diligently crafting something beautiful and beneficial for His glory and our redemption. Change is possible. God is good.

Favorite Fifteen! 15 things I love about being a wife

I had so much fun last week writing about the simple pleasures and pure joy of being a mom. Today, I want to give a shout out for some of the reasons I love being a wife.

15 things I love about being a wife

*  After 22 years of marriage, I am still learning new things about my husband and myself.  Life is never boring!

*  I can say anything to him, but because I love and respect him, I watch what I say and how I say it.

*  Wading through the sea of parenting together.  We pool our strengths and weaknesses together and, hopefully, create a pretty cool family experience.

(Our family)

*  I love going to the movies with my man.  He’s the best movie partner!  He willingly abides by my absurdly anal and strict movie standards – no talking, no cell phones, no texting, no crunching, no slurping, no snoring, no rustling of plastic candy bags during the show – oh, and have a great time! 😉 (Who else would tolerate this??)

*  Serving with him on mission.

*  Keeping the house quiet on Saturday mornings so he can sleep in after a long workweek.

*  We can agree to disagree on the small stuff and that’s okay.

*  I have freedom to be myself with him with no walls built around me.  He has seen me at my very best and very worst and still loves me. I can let my guard down and be who I am without the fear of being rejected.  He gets my weird sense of humor, respects my boundaries, understands my weaknesses…yet still accepts me.

*  Dreaming together.

* He brings me flowers just because, on special occasions, and in remembrance of my mom’s birthday – though he never had the opportunity to meet her.  We met exactly one month after she died.

( Happy Anniversary)

*  Sharing the journey of life with my man who has promised to walk every step of the way with me till death do us part.

*  He can convince me to try new things: Thai food (yum!); snow skiing (his passion, not mine); computers (yep, years ago, he’s the one who showed me how to befriend these little monsters); driving go karts so crazy they almost kick you off the track (Ha!); a wicked-scary, fast air boat ride to see alligators up close and perhaps a little too personal (so fun!) – the list goes on.

*  We laugh with, and at, each other.  Most times we know when to do which. Ha!

*  He tells me I am beautiful – even if I have a hard time believing it.

(From the Empire State Building)

*  As a little girl, my two biggest dreams were to be married and have children.  I had other dreams – some I’ve accomplished, like graduating from college, being a published writer and traveling to Africa; and some I haven’t, like working as a photographer for National Geographic. But, my heart has always been passionate for being a wife and mother. I am reminded every day that God heard my prayer and answered it in an incredible way.

Marriage is hard. It takes work. It requires dying to one’s self, seeking the spouse’s best interest and considering the other person’s needs before my own. Many people won’t give up the control, their wants or their ambitions. I used to be that person. But, the beauty of marriage is discovered when both people put each other first. Oftentimes, this means someone has to go first. It creates a peaceful, loving atmosphere rather than dog-eat-dog. Trust and vulnerability are not easily attained in our wary world, but when God has put a man and woman together, and each of them have resolved to live by His standard, it works. Needs and wants of both people are met. Fun and intimacy are a part of regular life. We can work with each other and not against each other.  After all, in a marriage, both people are on the same team.

So thankful for Selah Day!

My peeps and I are taking the Sabbath to rest and rejeuvenate from a wonderfully busy and blessed weekend. One of our family’s mantras is…

We do nothing really well!

Join us in enjoying doing nothing.  Monday will thank you. :)Tomorrow we will continue our Favorite Fifteen.  See you then!

Kristi