Tag Archives: faith

Is it okay to be angry with God?

Recently, we stood helplessly by as we watched a dear family tragically lose their husband/father.  He had so many years left, but an accident took this hero’s life.  I’ve hugged his wife and children, and looked deeply into the eyes of his father – an older gentleman who said to me, He survived Afghanistan, but gets killed at home.  He died in action, serving his country, but where does that leave his family?  I held his father’s hand in both of mine and told him how sorry I was.  I assured him we were praying for strength and peace during this difficult time.  He looked into my eyes and said,  I’m trying to be as strong as I can.

There are so many circumstances in this world that bring us pain, sorrow and hurt.  Sometimes, the outcome is evident through long-suffering.  Sometimes, it comes in one phone call.  Whether it is divorce, unemployment, rejection of endless degrees, a wayward child, victimization, losing a house, suffering from an illness or watching someone we love suffer, there are scores of reasons why this world is unfair.

When unfair comes knocking on our door, where can we hide?  Nowhere.  It finds us – try as we may to run.

God designed our bodies, minds, hearts and spirits with buffers.  In most times, if the enormity of a situation came at us 100% full-on, we probably couldn’t survive it.  As I spoke to my teen friend whose father died, I thought to myself (having suffered parent loss as a teen myself) You have no idea how this will affect your life – for the rest of your life.

To absorb the implications of what has happened all at once would overtake us, and we would wash away like a footprint in the sand.  Although God designed a perfect world, in His omnipotent knowledge He knew Adam and Eve would sin.  He knew before He created time that this world would need a Savior, and He knew that Savior would be His only Son.

Our spirits have eternal life through Christ when we accept Him as our Lord and receive forgiveness for our sins.  But, many of us still have lives to lead, unlike the thief on the cross who asked Jesus to remember him, and Jesus reassured the man he would be with Him in Paradise.  We, for better or worse, must still wrestle the 24/7 bestowed upon us.  It is at this point that brought me to write this post…the wrestling.

My family has prayed for our friends every day since their husband/father died.  However, one prayer caught my full attention.  One of my children prayed, Lord, please help them not to be angry. Being angry at You is wrong.  Please help them not sin by being angry.

Hmm. I wonder what train of thought brought this up?   God gave us a gift by allowing us to feel anger.

Anger is an emotion.  A feeling.  It is a release valve to the pressure, tension, and even confusion, we may feel during emotional or intense situations.  Anger is as normal as feeling happy or sad.  Our bodies physically feel the effects of circumstances, and like lightening, our anger is a channel in which to release adrenaline and chemicals in the brain so we don’t explode (well, not literally, but we may feel like we can sometimes!).

Emotionally, anger helps keeps feelings flowing.  It’s like a lubricant to gears.  When we stuff our natural emotion of anger down inside us, it rots.  When it rots, it becomes bitter and hardens our hearts.  Anger gives us the emotional courage to confront the situation, say what needs to be said, or do what needs to be done, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with the world and with ourselves.

I think what my child was getting at is something, I believe, is often misunderstood about the Bible.  Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

The first part of this passage, “In your anger do not sin” comes from Psalm 4:4, “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.  Selah”

David may simply be saying here, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  After all, it’s better to be silent than say something we will regret.  And that is Paul’s point in Ephesians.  Anger is not the sin.  It’s what we do with it that gets us into trouble.  In action, word or thought, we have the choice to allow ourselves to be angry for a time, letting our physical bodies release, our minds decompress, and our emotions ride the waves – or act upon it in a sinful way albeit passively or aggressively.  Passively – by way of withholding communication (the silent treatment), withholding forgiveness when someone asks us for it of themselves, or any refusal on our part that denies progress in the situation because of bitterness, unforgiveness, hate, etc.  This doesn’t apply when people simply need time.  Of course, we are not vending machines that can produce upon demand.  We need time to heal.  It is when sin stands in the way of our progress that needs to be held accountable.

Take James 1:19-20.  It admonishes us, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

Before we cry foul, let’s look at what the anger means in this particular passage.  In Strong’s Greek Hebrew Dictionary (via www.mystudybible.com), the word anger comes from the Hebrew word orge and means “violent passion (ire, or [justifiable] abhorrence); by implication punishment :- anger, indignation, vengeance, wrath.”

But, the word anger in Psalm 4:4 is different. The Hebrew word orgizo comes from the word orge and means “to provoke or enrage; become exasperated.”

Holman New Testament Commentary Vol. 8 explains, “Sometimes a Christian may legitimately become angry.  Jesus became angry at times. In those times we must be extra careful how we act, for anger gives no excuse to sin.”

The Matthew Henry Concise Bible Commentary phrases Ephesians 4:26-27 this way, “Take heed of anger and ungoverned passions. If there is just occasion to express displeasure at what is wrong, and to reprove, see that it be without sin. We give place to the devil, when the first motions of sin are not grievous to our souls; when we consent to them; and when we repeat an evil deed. This teaches that as sin, if yielded unto, lets in the devil upon us, we are to resist it, keeping from all appearance of evil.”

Let’s compare two situations – Jonah and Lazarus.  Jonah was called by God to do something he didn’t want to do, with people he didn’t want to be anywhere near. He was stoking mad that God had compassion on this brood of ignorant souls.  Jonah was judgmental and hard-hearted and thought he knew better than God.  I’ll skip the story in its entirety for the sake of time, but it is fascinating.  This is the so-called dramatic ending of the four short chapters that make up the entire book…

Jonah chapter 4, “But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry. 2 He prayed to the Lord, “O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. 3 Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”

4 But the Lord replied, “Have you any right to be angry?”

5 Jonah went out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. 6 Then the Lord God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine. 7 But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. 8 When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, “It would be better for me to die than to live.”

9 But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?”

“I do,” he said. “I am angry enough to die.”

10 But the Lord said, “You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. 11 But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?”

The word anger used in this passage is from the Greek word hara.  Strong’s defines it as to glow or grow warm; figurative (usually) to blaze up, of anger, zeal, jealousy :- be angry, burn, be displeased, earnestly, fret self, grieve, be (wax) hot, be incensed, kindle, very, be wroth.”

I have always wondered what happened to Jonah.  We, by default, want a happy ending.  We look for it in movies, plays, books, and in our own lives.  We need closure and peace, and our moral bookends of the good guy wins and the bad guy gets what’s coming to him are what makes the story in between tolerable.  Here, Jonah’s account just fades off.  His last words recorded in the most complete account of history ever written were, “I am angry enough to die.” (verse 9)

That does not sound at all like Psalm 4:4 or Ephesians 4:26-27.  In fact, it sounds more like the Israelites in Hosea 7:6, “Their hearts are like an oven; they approach him with intrigue. Their passion smolders all night; in the morning it blazes like a flaming fire.”

Then there is Lazarus.  Brother of the well-known sisters, Mary and Martha.  In John 11, Lazarus died.  Jesus knows exactly what has happened and what will happen, but the details of this account twinge my heart because most, if not all of us, have either been Mary or Martha or both at some point in our lives when pain overcame us.

John 11 tells us that basically Jesus had more than enough time to get to Lazarus before Lazarus finally died.  Verses 18-19 even tell us this, “Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother.”

What would be Jesus’ reason for His delay?  Verse 4 answers, “When he heard this, Jesus said, ‘This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.’” And in verses 14-15, “So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.’”

Okay…are you hanging with me?  We are at the heart of the point of this post. Read verses 20-21 slowly, “When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.  “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

These two women are famous for their account of Martha being too busy to listen to Jesus, while Mary sat at His feet. Many of us can relate.  But, we can also relate to them now.

Mary, knowing full-well Jesus has arrived, doesn’t go out to meet Him.  The same woman who poured expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet and wiped them with her hair.  Did she love Jesus?  Yes.  So, why the silence now?

Martha, more spirited than her sister, met Jesus and confronted Him, if I may.

We’re going deeper now.  Jesus called for Mary personally.  Martha went to Mary and told her Jesus was asking for her.

Verses 29-32, “When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there. 32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

Once she knew Jesus was asking for her, she ran to Him and was able to speak from her heart.

So how does this account relate to Jonah’s because nowhere does it say the words anger or angry.  Or does it?

How would you feel if Jesus were walking this earth today and your loved one needed life-or-death healing, and you texted, emailed and left a voicemail on Jesus’ iPhone asking Him to immediately come only a short distance – and He is a no-show.  Not only that, He doesn’t return your text, email or voicemail, and stays 2 more days where He is – just a short distance away. Then, your loved one dies.  He or she actually dies.  There is, at this point, no happy ending, the good guy (your loved one a.k.a. Lazarus) didn’t win and the bad guy (death) got his way.

How would we feel?

If we are gut-wrenchingly honest, we’d be angry at Jesus.  Right?  He knows us.  He knows the need.  He knows He can help.  But, He didn’t show up.  He didn’t heal.  He didn’t even return our phone call.

Mary sinks into herself and stays inside.  She can’t find it in herself to go meet Jesus.  We can probably fill in the adjectives she is feeling as we relate.

Martha makes no bones about it.  She didn’t even let Jesus get into the village.  On the contrary, she met Him outside the village and told Him outright how she felt.  However, she did with respect and reverence.  She never forgot who He is – Lord.  She followed up her emotional outburst with, “But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” (Verse 22)

Mary, once told Jesus wanted to see her, ran to Him and told Him the same exact emotional eruption except she did it on her knees. Both women were thinking the same thing, but they went about it in different ways depending on their personalities.

How did Jesus react?  Did He shun them?  Did He smite them and banish them from heaven?  Did He lecture them on how to behave in their time of deepest grief?  Did He reject them and walk away?  Did He ignore them? Did He grow furious at them, point His finger at them, and call on God’s angels to punish them? Did He stop loving them?

How did Jesus feel over their words?  “When Jesus saw (Mary) weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” (Verse 33)

How did Jesus react?  What did He do? “Jesus wept.” (Verse 35)

He wept.  He felt their pain.  Jesus was 100% man and 100% God.  He knew how the story would end, but in that moment, He willingly climbed down into their emotional pit and felt their pain with them.

Indeed, Jesus climbs down into our emotional pits so He can bring us out of them.

God is a gracious, loving God.  Jesus knows our sorrows – He’s been there.  He lived on this earth and felt natural emotions including happiness, sadness and yes, anger.

Hebrews 4:14-16 is one of the most comforting Scriptures in the Bible. “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are —yet was without sin. 16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Anger.  It is one of the 5 responses in crisis and grief.  It is a God-given gift to be angry so we can channel the physical strain (headaches, digestive issues, heart issues, teeth clinching, nail biting, eyelash plucking, comfort eating, deliberate starving) pressure that happens when life deals us pain and suffering. Anger channels our adrenaline so we can sleep at night, keep our heads from spinning off into orbit, and gives us courage for self-preservation in overwhelming times.  It keeps emotions flowing as we wrestle with shock & denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance of a situation beyond our control.

Why would God create the emotion of anger for our physical, emotional and mental selves, but forbid it for our sprits which are eternal?  I believe the answer is in Psalm 4:4 – in your anger do not sin.  It never said not to be angry. It doesn’t promise we won’t ever be angry.  It says WHEN we are angry do not sin.

So why don’t we bring our anger to God?  Wow, that’s a whole other post, but suffice it to say our upbringing, personalities, life experience, and how we view God all affects how we interact with Him.

For me, I grew up in a house with a step father who did not tolerate anything from me and dictated a very unhealthy fear of male authority.  Is it easy for me to come to God with my anger?  No way!  It has taken me years to get to a point of God convincing me (through reading the Bible, His faithfulness to me and the testimonies of others) that I come before the throne and pour all of me out to Him – the good, the bad and the ugly.  The confidence Hebrews 11 speaks of is a work in progress in me, but God is a patient God who loves us with an everlasting love.

Do we think He can’t handle our anger?  That He isn’t strong enough?  That He doesn’t understand or care about our pain?  That we will be punished for being honest with Him?

Quite the opposite, Jesus intercedes on our behalf.  He could have gone to Bethany and healed Lazarus and left.  But, not only did He listen to Martha, but he called for Mary.  They were important to Him.  How they were doing was important to Him.  So are you.

Once, I was so upset about something, all the way home, as I drove alone, I yelled and cried and yelled some more to God.  Not at, but to Him (there is a difference).  I told Him how I felt and the whole nine yards.  I was ready to implode.  It was only after that did He bring a peace that passes my understanding about the circumstance.  He knew I needed to flush, to vent, to purge – and He allowed me grace and room and privacy to do so.  I did not sin in my anger, but I fully released how I was feeling.  It was one of the most healing experiences I’ve ever felt and that peace remains with me today.

God knows what we need, and He gave us a tool belt full of emotional equipment to help us survive, and thrive, in this broken world.  Anger is a tool, and used properly, it can bring us to closer intimacy with God.  Anger, managed properly and without sinning, keeps communication open.  Whether we are Martha who has no problem stating the issue, or Mary, who needs reassurance it’s okay, Jesus wants a close relationship with us – and He knows by personal experience how hard life on earth can be.

It’s our choice to be hard-hearted and bitter like Jonah and the Israelites in Hosea 7:6, but sure enough, circumstances in life will continue to make us angry.  Perhaps like Moses when he was asked by God to lead the Israelites although he had a speech impediment and felt like he couldn’t do the job; like Naomi when her husband and sons died leaving her no plan for provision; like Samuel when Israel demanded a king from him; like Nehemiah when he gazed upon the broken walls of his home – Jerusalem; like Dinah’s brothers when she was raped by a foreigner; like Joseph when his marriage plans to Mary took a left turn; or like Elijah as he, literally, ran for his life from Jezebel.

God looks at our hearts, our whole person.  He knows if we are shaking an angry, sinful fist at Him or using the tool of appropriate anger to uncover our hurt and pain that we desperately need healed.  He is gracious, but He is holy.  He deserves our respect, holy fear and reverence.  He is…God.

He is also Abba Father – Daddy.  He knows when we just can’t take it anymore and need a safe place to vent, to purge, to release.  He is a good listener. The best. He catches our tears of frustration in His hands and doesn’t use them against us. He is mercy. He is peace. He is rest.

1 Samuel 16:7, “…The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Chronicles 28:9, “…acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you…”

Anger.  It’s a tricky thing.  It can be helpful or hurtful.  Hindering or healing.  Understanding why we feel we can or cannot bring God our anger is a step closer to Him in itself.  Just keep walking.  Seek Him, and He will show you the way.

I Have to Tell You What Happened!

Okay, remember my post Really? written before taking our mission trip to Ukraine?  I read back through it today, and feel compelled to tell you the sequel to the saga.  If you haven’t read that post, I encourage you to or today’s post may not make much sense.

It’s been a month, and here we are teetering on the cliffhanger…what happened when I spoke to the ladies?  This is absolutely not about me, rather it’s about what God did.  This was a ladies-only event, but He bucked the system and showed up!   I am so glad He did.

It was time to face my Goliath in the privacy of just God, me and the issue at hand only hours before the event.  In an arm-wrestling battle with this giant that I’ve never won against, this time God grabbed my hand and slammed that monster’s knuckles to the table.  I was the winner, hands-down (pardon the pun).

What was different about this time, versus the thousands of other times I walked away from the table in defeat?  It’s so simple it’s complicated.  It’s so complicated it’s simple.  Ready?  I listened.

That’s it!  That’s all I did.

Listened to who?  God.

Who was I listening to before?  The world, the enemy and myself.

We are creatures of habit.  Habits produce patterns.  Patterns affect our way of thinking.  The way we think affects our beliefs – positively or negatively.  For 25 years, everything about me was negative in this area.  Reading back over the post Really?, I see a person so sick and tired of being defeated in an area of her life, that she would rather admit final defeat and taboo it from her life than allow herself to be vulnerable to what God had to say about it.

I had beat myself up so badly with negative thoughts and behavior, and allowed the enemy to do the same, that I became hypersensitive to the touch of my heart and couldn’t even fathom letting the hand of God heal me.   Self-hate set in.  A longtime battle that left me utterly exhausted.  This is not the same as self pity.  With self-hate comes a level of despising that is hard to describe into words.  However, the enemy found lots of words to speak in my ear to keep the hate spinning like a top in my head.

Because of God’s perfect will and timing, He chose this year to be the final, epic battle over me.  Why?  I don’t know.

He knows us best and knew it was time. I have been so humiliated for so long about this pattern of self-hate in my life, that my own embarrassment was easy harassment for the enemy.

It’s as though God stepped down from heaven, met me right where I was – in a dorm room in Ukraine – alone with only my Bible, and said to me, Just give me a chance.  You’ve been dooped for so long by so many people, including yourself, you’ve forgotten who you really are; who I made you to be; and most importantly, you’ve forgotten how I see you.  You see yourself as hopeless. I see you as helpless.  You see yourself as defeated.  I see you as wounded.  You see yourself as beyond the point of help.  I see you on the brink of a new beginning.  One thing we can both agree on is that you cannot do this alone.  But, can you trust Me that we can do this together?

That was the moment.  If a soundtrack had been running in tandem to the movie of my life, a simple heartbeat on the drum would have pounded.  It was a physical moment of spiritual decision.  I sat on the edge of the bed next to my closed Bible, and felt God literally wait on me for a  response.

I looked around the quiet room, fidgeted with my hands and shuffled my feet.  On the outside I was silent.  On the inside, I watched a flashback of all my years from the time my issue began.  I heard all of the hurtful words people have said to me about this over the years.  I saw their faces and felt the sting of pain as if it were the first time all over again.  I heard everything the enemy every told me about myself and I felt myself beginning to fold.

My chest was heavy and it was heard to breathe.  Palms sweating, the back of my neck prickly, and my heart beating fast, I was in a war over who to side with.  This was God’s work, but He required one thing from me.  An answer.

How did I get to that answer?  The ONLY thing that persuaded me to side with Him that day was this question God prompted within my heart…Who has God been to you, Kristi?  Over all of these years, who has He proven Himself to be to you?

When I began to recall His sovereignty, His power, His grace, His mercy, His love, His faithfulness, His tenderness, His discipline, His consistency, and His miraculous presence in every moment of my life, the tall, thick walls around my heart (which stay heavily guarded by the way), began to fracture.  A 25-year old wound is very sensitive.  It’s never stopped bleeding the pain of my issue.  I had built such heavy defenses around it that I didn’t even realize I had shut God out until that day I told my friend I didn’t want His redemption in this area of my life.  My plan was just to privately, secretly nurse this wound until I died.

I sat on the edge of the bed in a quandary.  Do I trust God, who has been completely faithful and loving my entire life, even through the darkest of times, or do I continue in a self-destructive pattern that I know is harming me inside and out?

Could I take that first step and say to God, Alright.  You can have a go at my heart.  I trust You.  Or, do I tell my mission teammates I cannot speak to the ladies and retreat further into myself than I ever had before – this time with the strong possibility of never following my bread crumb trail back to the surface.

Sometimes, when we are at our weakest, our darkest, and in our deepest pain, all God is asking of us is to trust Him.  We get tangled up thinking we have to do something courageous or smart or skillful.  We live in a world that tells us we are only what we can produce.  Well, when we cannot produce anything beneficial, then who are we?  Nothing.  And I had felt like that for 25 years.

God knows this.  In Psalm 103:13-14, David understood.  He said, As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

Even if our pit is one we dug ourselves, God will still search for us and reach down His hand to pull us out.  Will we take it?

Part of the difficulty I faced in that moment was realizing that a new pattern would be established.  Great, but I didn’t know how to do that.  I didn’t have the strength to push back this giant.  Again, trust.  Perhaps God will help me? I thought to myself.  After all, He promised to help Moses lead the exodus out of Egypt.  He promised to fight for the Israelites time and again from Joshua at Jericho to Nehemiah rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem to Mary & Joseph, Paul & Silas, Peter and so on.

Why would God help?  Isn’t He as frustrated about this as I am?  Hasn’t His patience run out?

2 Chronicles 16:9 – For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him… 

So God is actually searching for His children who lost their way be it in one area or many.  He searched for me and found me in a room alone in Ukraine.  He traversed the world and caught up to me.  I can almost see it.  Just as I am deciding whether or not to cancel the ladies event, a knock on the door.  I’m not expecting anyone.  Who could it be? I wonder to myself.  I stand up and slowly walk to the door.

Who is it? I ask.

It’s Me, comes a reply from the other side.  I gasp!  There is only One who sounds like that.  He is my Groom.  My Savior.  I turn the key and pull down on the handle.

What are you doing here? I ask in wonder.  Jesus’ face lights up when He sees me.  I just stand there, jaw agape in awe that He is actually here, on my doorstep in Ukraine.

May I come in? He asks with a broad smile, slightly out of breath from running up the 3 flights of stairs.

Oh, I’m sorry.  Yes!  Come in!  

Thanks, He replies.  I’m glad I caught up to you.

Why?

Because you are about to make a really big decision, and I want to be part of it if you’ll let Me.

But, why is this so important to You?

You are important to Me.

Why?

Because I love you.

But, I keep failing in this area.  How is that lovable?

You are lovable.  God the Father made you, and He made you lovely.

But, I’ve failed so many times before.  I have no confidence in myself with this anymore.

That’s okay.  Put your confidence in Me.

But, I am tired, Jesus.  I don’t want to, can’t, fight this anymore.

He takes my hands in His and sits down with me.  He looks at me with eyes that make time stop, heartbeats still, and breath shallow.  His love permeates the room.  I cannot hear anything else, see anything else, feel anything else, but his warm, tender, and gentle hands holding mine.

I love you with an everlasting love.  Don’t you see, it’s not about what you can or cannot do.  It’s not about who anyone, including yourself, has told you who you are.  Isn’t not about your track record.  It’s about who you are in Me.  I complete you.  When you asked me into your heart, I made you whole.  I make you strong.  I heal your hurts.  I am your breath.  I am life living in you.  You have, for so long, lived in defeat.  But, like every other time in your life when you leaned on Me, will you do it this time?  I’ve got your best interest at heart.  Our Father is always working for the good of those who love Him.  You are tired of listening to everyone else, including yourself, tell you who you are not.  Will you listen to Me tell you who you are?

A lump swells in my throat.  Tears stream down my face and my nose begins to run.  Eyes sting from salty tears, my bottom lip quivers at the thought of perhaps listening to my Savior, my best friend, my groom.

I furrow my brow in deep decision.  This is not easy.  Every ounce of self-hate has risen to the surface.  Every hurtful word is screaming at me.  The enemy is beside himself that Jesus has locked him out of the room.  I hear him furiously pounding on the door.

Christ leans and whispers so close I feel His breath.  His hands holding mine.  Will you listen to Me tell you who you are?

My head drops, and through stinging tears and a runny nose, I ever-so-slightly nod and utter beneath my sobbing, Yes.

He leans toward me even more, resting His forehead on mine, noses almost touching, and through tears of His own, He smiles and says, You are…My beloved.

I fall into His arms.  It is enough.  It is more than enough.  I breathed in those two words and they entered my body.  They shot straight to my heart, my spirit, and began their healing work.  Like a physician’s hands performing delicate surgery, those two words healed my heart from the inside out.

Did that encounter physically happen?  Yes and no.  No, Jesus did not come in tangible human form, but He did come by way of the Bible.  As I sat on the edge of the bed, I came to an answer.

Yes.  I would listen.  Yes.  I would open myself up, become vulnerable, and listen to what He had to say.  He led me to Scripture after Scripture telling me who I am to Him and in Him.  It was one of the most precious hours of my entire life.  With every verse, scars disappeared from my heart.  The voice of Truth eradicated the lies that have plagued me for over two decades.

No other god would, or could, do this.

I stood that night, before beautiful women and shared.  I shared from the depth of my soul words He had for them…and for me.  Their tears were my tears.  Their Truth was my Truth.

I returned from Ukraine a different person.  God asked me to leave all the hurt and pain with Him, and I did.  I left the self-hate, too.  I physically felt the weight of this lift from me.  Physically.  Crazy, huh?  I feel a peace from the inside out.  Peace that is not of this world.  My good moments before were only that – moments.  This is 24/7.  He healed me.  I am at peace with Him and with myself.  His words of who I am are the only sound I hear in this issue that no longer has a hold on me. I am free.

I am whole.  I am at rest.  I am victorious.  Because of Christ’s victory over death, we who follow Him are invited to have victory in our lives.  Our entire lives – every area.

I am eternally grateful He didn’t leave me in the pit in which I was trapped.  I am so humbled He sought me and deemed my problem worthy of His time and effort.  He did a mighty work in me and all He asked of me was to let Him do it.  I didn’t have to prove anything, be of eloquent speech or show my own strength.  I simply chose to trust Him.

God is on our side.  He is a good God.  He is faithful.  God is love.  Jesus, indeed You are the Prince of Peace.  Thank You.  I love You.

Psalm 139…Amish-Country Style

Psalm 139 has been my life Scripture.  While in Ukraine, I relied heavily on God’s message in this Psalm for courage and strength.  For instance, I don’t mind flying, but it’s not on my list of favorites by far.  When I fly, I always recite verses 9-10, and it helps me remember who is in control of the plane and the journey.  Or, when I walked 32 flights of stairs to visit with some precious Ukrainian people in their apartment because the building’s elevator was iffy, I heard verses 2-3 roll around in my mind.  God continues to speak to me through this collection of verses, so thought I would share this post again and hope it speaks to you, too! 🙂

This passage has shared mountain-top highs with me and pulled my soul out of the pit.  It is a joy to offer a visual perspective of David’s incredible, tender heart seen through the eyes of the Amish country.

Psalm 139: 1-18, 23-24

Oh LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit

and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out

and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in – behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Really?

After taking two days to “fly away to the desert” as David wrote, my heart is heavy over something I want desperately to avoid.  Prayer, tears and good friends’ shoulders have gotten me this far, but time is ticking and I need to face things.

I’ve been speaking to groups for years.  However, recently I was asked to speak on a topic I am uncomfortable with.  Don’t ask me how, as it’s all a blur, but somehow I got through it.  Although, I feel I did a terrible job.  Every time I think about it, I want to run and lock myself in my room.  Well, I’ve almost gotten past that experience, mainly because I vowed I would never ever speak on it again.

Last week, a group of people, completely separate from the first, asked me to speak on the exact same subject!  Arg!  I tried to back-peddle my way out.  I tried to solicit others to step up to the plate to no avail.  I may have kept my composure on the outside, but inside I was throwing an absolute fit!

The subject matter is irrelevant to this post, because it’s more a problem with me.  The subject is fine.  I am not.  Why?  Because I wrestle with the issue at hand myself.  I am not a polished authority on this issue by any means!  In fact, my entire life I have been crippled by this issue.  Why, oh why, did God put me in this position?

I’ll be completely honest and share with you what I confided in my dear friends.  I feel like God has turned a blind eye to my issue with this issue.  I feel a little thrown under the bus.  Neglected.  Ignored.  It feels like life is playing a cruel joke on me by backing me in this corner.  I have been asked to speak to a group of women I have never met, in Europe, with a language barrier, on a topic that I just want to sit down and cry about.  This makes no sense to me.

Everyone has tender spots on their hearts.  Things they’d rather not discuss.  Parts of their lives they want to keep private.  This is mine.  Yet, I am being asked to stand up in front of people and go to the mat over this.  Ug.  My stomach turns and palms sweat.  It’s not the speaking…it’s the subject matter.

We all know what it is like to feel kicked when we are down.  Well, after a lifetime of wrestling this monster, then believing I totally failed in front of the first group of people, why in the world would God even consider me for this task again?  The exact same task!

When I lamented to my friends about this, some very raw feelings came out that I didn’t expect to say because I didn’t know they were in me until they spontaneously spilled out of my mouth.  I blurted out, You know, in every way in my life I want the redemption of Christ.  I want it for my spirit for eternal salvation, I want it for the forgiveness of my daily sins,  I desire re-dos in areas I have messed up.  BUT, this area?  I don’t want redemption.  I don’t want another second chance.  I know people sometimes feel like they’d give anything to rewind time and re-do, or be given another chance, but I don’t want it in this area.  I want the whole thing to just go away!  

Honestly, I’ve never said that before.  It made me so sad to hear myself reject God’s redemption.  Who am I to say any of that?  How dare I.  But, I did.  Does God still love me?  Yes.  Will He ever leave me?  No.  Can He handle such audacious words?  Yes.  Why?  Because He knows.

He knows that the reason I am running from His redemption in this area is because I feel both inadequate and sick of the whole thing.  I want it to go away and never be brought back up.  But, God also knows that in order to honor that wish, it would mean I am left broken in this area.  I amdit defeat.  I quit.  I have been overcome.

That’s not the way God rolls.  We, as believers, are overcomers.

This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4 for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. ~ 1 John 5:3-4

Greater is He in us than the enemy.

You, dear children,are from God and have overcome them,because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. ~ 1 John 4:4

My mind believes all of the lies the world and the enemy tells me.  I believe my own lies, too.  But, my heart yearns to be able to believe what God says about this.  Why can’t I trust Him?

I know, deep down, God keeps bringing me this so I can finally, once and for all, get past this issue.  My head and heart war against each other.  So, with time running out, who am I going to listen to?  God, the world, the enemy or myself?  Ug.

To answer that question, all I can do is go to Scripture for solid Truth.  John 10: 2-4…

“2 The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. 3 The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 

He calls us by name.  Did you catch that?  We are all unique individuals, fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).  Yes, He knows all of our names and calls us to His heart.  He goes ahead of us that we may follow Him.  I will follow Him across the world and do as I have been asked.  But, Paul said it better than I ever could have dreamed of expressing my angst.  1 Corinthians 2:1-5

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. 2 For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3 I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. 4 My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, 5 so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power. 

I choose to trust God that He is, in fact, in control of this situation and is working out His perfect will in my life and in the lives I will speak to.  I will try my hardest to not look backwards, rather listen to His voice and follow where He leads.

One thing is for sure.  The glory will be all His for what He will do.  He’s moving me forward and requires I bring no baggage. Easier said than done.  But, with God all things are possible.  Even this task.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”  Mark 10:27

Okay, God.  Lead on…

The House in The Desert

Yesterday, we looked at Psalm 27 and talked about David’s pause, mid-thought, of a place where there are no worries, fears or sadness.  Guess I’m still in that moment today.  Life is good.  Life is hard.  I can count 100 blessings, but it’s the struggles that drain me.  We muddle through moments of angst, and do what we have to do, but I also relate to David in letting my mind wander to a place where it’s just God and me.

Only there can I shed my coat, like a weary traveler, set my bags down and exhale.  Only there can I take off all of the hats I wear every day and wipe the sweat from my brow.  Only there can I slump into a chair and rest my head on the table, knowing God will meet me at the table with a glass of cold water and a warm smile.  Only there can I sit in utter silence with no worries of filling in conversation.  Only there the dirt my shoes tracked in doesn’t matter, and the familiar smells of home infuse my thinking.  I’m only His child there.  Not wife, mother, friend or worker. I am His child and sit in His house.  It’s safe.  Quiet.  Peaceful.

Everything I need is there.  Moreover, who I am there is enough.  I’m not responsible for anyone else’s happiness there; I’m not a problem-solver; I’m not a worker bee.  I’m just me, and evidently God is okay with that because He hasn’t asked me to be anyone else, nor has He made me feel inadequate for my shortcomings.

In His house, I find my special room.  It’s simple.  A bed, a nightstand and soft linens.  A window for light and a door for privacy.  There, I crawl under the covers and rest my head on the pillow.  I close my eyes knowing He watches out for me.  I sleep while He spreads His wings over me and shelters me with the mere palm of His hand.  There is nowhere else on earth I can go to rest like in God’s house.   He intercepts all that calls for my attention.  I am untouchable and unreachable.

God travels with us in our lives.  Therefore, His house is never far away.  I can find it at the beach, in my own house, in the city, the country, on the Mara, on the subway, under an old tree and on the river.  I can also find it in the desert.

People often associate the desert as a harsh, barren, cursed plot of ground.  It offers neither shelter nor basic needs easily and seems to delight in making accommodations as unpleasant as possible.

Spiritually, people associate the desert with dry times in their life.  Whether it’s not hearing God, not feeling the Christian life or feeling alone, the desert is what our mind’s eye goes to, to describe what we feel.

I think there is yet another way to look at the desert, and David does, too.

He is all over the map in Psalm 55.  He begs God to hear and answer his prayer (v1).  His thoughts trouble him (v2), the enemy and wicked taunt him (v3).  His heart is in anguish (v4). Fear and trembling overwhelm him (v5).  Then verses 6-8 appear. Like a break in a storm, where the rain and wind stop and the sun shines – even if briefly –

I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest—
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;

(Selah)
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm. ”

What a beautiful metaphor!  In the desert, where is the storm and tempest?  In the desert, we can be alone.  Therefore, we can rest.  Our place of shelter is God’s house, right in the middle of nothing.  When we are walking in our desert and view endless miles of nothingness, it is very easy to spot God’s house.  It sticks out against the monochromatic backdrop of sand and sun.

His house is harder to find in lush jungles, crowded cities or bustling suburbs – whether these are tangible obstacles we face or intangible only in our hearts and minds.

Perhaps the desert is just the landscape we need to find God’s house.  It is not a mirage, rather it is a promise to His children.

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11:28

Are you a weary traveler?  Do you need rest?  Look for God’s house.  It’s never farther than a prayer away.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2 In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-4


Sunday Selah

One thing I ask of the Lord,
    this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.

Psalm 27:4

In Psalm 27, David reminds himself of God’s strongarm against his enemies.  He reiterates God’s mercy, goodness and safety.  Yet, in the middle of wrestling with fear, weakness and unstable circumstances, David breaks away in his heart and seems to pause mid-thought.

He is in crisis.  He feels unsafe of where he is and unsure of what the future holds in the hands of his enemies.  However, I can almost see David stop his heart’s plea and set his gaze on the horizon.  Although his feet stand on a place of longitutde and latitude, his heart escapes to another place and time.  There it is peaceful, quiet and restful.  Indeed, God’s house is a respite, a place of refuge.

Until God calls His chidlren home, we are called to seek Him now – every day.  Where do you find rest in God?

One place I find Him is at the beach.  I am reminded of His greatness of strength, creativity and control.  The rythmic waves crashing on the shore slow my own racing heart, and I come to a place of surrender.

I’m not at the beach today, but I can still find my way to God’s house – in my heart.  His children are His temple, and He dwells in us.  When I surrender myself to Him, I find rest, peace and stillness not found anywhere on this earth.

I encourage you, also, to look and listen for God today whever you are.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. ~ Psalm 29:11

Lord willing, I’ll see you tomorrow back here for more real…deep…stuff.

Have a wonderful Sabbath,

Kristi

Sunday Driver!!

Hello!  I’ve missed writing the past two days.  They have been crazy busy, but very productive!  Today I am simply basking in the goodness of God. There are times in life when it’s hurried and harried.  That has been my normal for a while.  Today, not so.  Just relaxing and enjoying the scenery.  As I catch my breath, thought I’d write a thank-you list to God.  The Giver of all good things…

I am thankful today for:

* God’s attention to detail.  Everything really does matter to Him.

* A husband who is looking forward to dinner with me tonight – even after 22 years.

* My dear friend who gave us a dinner date tonight by wanting all of my kids for the evening!

* Children who love their mamma.  🙂

* Friends who have my back, and I theirs.

* Sleep. (It is far underrated!)

* Fun!  So enjoyed having a house full last night for a good time.

* Answered prayer.  Miracles still happen!

* Redemption – yes, of my spirit through Christ, but also in ways only God knows about and tends to…happened just yesterday.

* Hard work.  It feels good to sweat and flex my muscles.

* Laughter.  A good, long laugh cleanses the soul.

* The thousands of ways God has shown me today He loves me and knows my name.

His blessings are all around us.  Are we looking for them?

When I slow down, I notice more of His abundant blessings, because like barreling down the highway, when racing through life our peripheral is blurred.  But, the slower the car, the more clearly we see everything.  So glad to slow down and notice His presence, His peace and His care.  It’s a beautiful sight.  Today, I’m the Sunday driver who is fine to let other cars pass by, and maybe even honk at me.  I’ll let the wind mess up my hair, the sun shine on my face, and the radio drown out the honking.  Ha!

That’s Not Me This Time

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  Psalm 62:5

Yeah!  It’s Sunday!  So happy to rest today.  Right now, there are birds outside my window jockeying for the best position on the bird feeder.  They are fluttering, singing and racing to see who gets what.  I say, Go for it.  I’m too tired to be that today in my life.

What a week.  A good week, but an exhausting one.  Thanking God for the Sabbath.

Hope to see you back here tomorrow for more real…deep…stuff!

Enjoy this selah day,

Kristi

Dear God

Good morning God,

Wow.  It’s today.  The day.  A day that marks the end of a season – an era.  A time in which I’ve wanted nothing but to be obedient to You, but often wondered if I was doing a good job.  Wondering if I was measuring that “good job” against what the world says is good, or what You say.

I accepted this task with curiosity and a sense of adventure, and what an adventure it has been!  There were more precious memories made than I could have ever imagined.  I felt sky-highs and valley-lows.  There were times when I felt so capable and courageous, and other times I couldn’t find one thing right I did in the entire day.

You were there for all of it.  The challenging, the rewarding, the mundane and the wild ride these last years have been.  I have felt much angst and worry over the responsibilities I was given, but because You constantly reminded me that You were with me, I could pass the overwhelming emotions on to You so I could concentrate on the task at hand.  Thank You for having arms big enough to carry every single one of my concerns and fears.

The journey You have led me on has produced a different person within myself.  I have never felt more loved and accepted, but I have never been more aware of the weaknesses in me.  You blended both together to create someone who believes a little more that You do love me just as I am, and that You want to flesh out what is not of You, so that Your light can shine all the brighter.

There have been many laughs, some tears, and countless memories made.  I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything in the world.  Each moment – a step closer to You.  This year, in particular, stretched me farther than I thought I could without breaking.  However, I broke and am broken.  Losing my dad in the midst of the work You set before me, and my husband’s surgery, my mother-in-law’s cancer and my back injury and the necessary work on our home in the midst of the chaos, You heard every doubt I had about doing a good job with the task You gave me.  I came to the end of myself emotionally every single day, but not once did You leave me feeling alone.

You moved heaven and earth to show me, in small and large ways, that You see, You hear, You know – and You know how to meet the need.  Through the loving, kind words and deeds of others, You whispered to me, This is from Me, too.

The chapter on this season is closing.  I find myself wondering what is next?  I want to know, but then again, I am a little afraid to ask.  Ignorance is bliss, right?  Perhaps I won’t ask You, and find peace in You revealing it in Your time.

I will miss these days.  Terribly.  I will always doubt how well I did my job, but I will never doubt how well You did Yours.

I trust that Your checklist is complete, though mine isn’t.    But then again, mine will never be – perfectionist that I am.  You are Grace.  Mercy.  Love.  Those three truths about You cover what I feel are my failures.

I have learned so much about You, life and Your plan over the last three years.  Ephesians 3:17-19 have truly come to life in my life on this journey –

…And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 

I have learned that Your will really does precede mine, even when I push for what I want.  You work for our best interest, and sometimes that required trust to have faith in Your plan.  You taught me the depth of John 3:30 –

He must become greater; I must become less.

You even reiterated a Scripture many of us would like to skip over, Philippians 2:14 –

Do everything without complaining or arguing,

You kept Your promise in James 1:5 –

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 

I celebrate You, God, and that we made it to the finish line – together.  You have been my Coach, Manager, and Cheerleader.  The work You have done is amazing.  I sit and marvel at the beautiful finish You have given me the privilege to see.

I choose to rest in knowing that You will provide for me on the days when I want to run back to this race instead of the next one that waits for me.  When I stop and think about how much I will miss parts of this journey, my heart swells and a huge lump forms in my throat.  I think to myself, I can’t take the next step.  I want things to stay just as they are.  But they can’t because we are different people now and thus, You have a different race for us to run.

You are moving on to the next venture, and I must willingly pack up my memories, wrap them with tender heartstrings, and carry them as I follow You.

I choose to stay obedient to You, Lord.  It’s not easy sometimes, because my heart gets in the way.  I have such a hard time of letting go what I hold so dear, but You say to hold out an empty hand in expectancy of what next You will bring.  I guess it’s hard for me because moments like this remind me just how short life is and how fast it moves.

But then again, with that I am also reminded that this life is not all there is.  There is another place, another home, another life waiting for me.  One that will never end.  Thank You.

So, God, here we are.  A day of celebration of what You have done – and what we have done together.  Thank You for these years, months, days and moments.  Thank You for letting me keep the memories of them as I pack up what is no longer needed, to make room for what You are bringing next in this amazing race.

I choose to trust You.  You know the ways in which I need to feel Your presence most, and You are faithful.  Psalm 117:1-2 tells me so –

Praise the Lord, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples.  For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord.

Praise You, I will.  Gladly.  You have given me three of the best years of my life!  Not without hardship, heartache and a lot of hard work, but full of Your presence, joy, peace and faithfulness.  You are so good.

I give You this day of celebration.  You gave today to me, and I offer it back to You as an offering of these years.  May Your love shine bright, Your peace overflow and the magnificence of Your resplendent goodness be the energy of every moment, word and deed.

Precious Lord, the book of Jude says best what my heart feels, verses 24 & 25.  Thank You…for everything.

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.  

Psalm 139…Amish-Country Style

When I visited the Amish country, I had no idea I would ever write a blog.  I feel humbled and privileged that God had in mind to put some of my photos from this trip to Scripture and post them here.  Life really is a journey, and with Him it is never boring.

Psalm 139 has been my life Scripture.  This passage has shared mountain-top highs with me and pulled my soul out of the pit.  It is a joy to offer a visual perspective of David’s incredible, tender heart in a unique way. I hope it speaks to you, too.

Psalm 139: 1-18, 23-24

Oh LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit

and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out

and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in – behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake, I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.